My heart is racing… half fear, half excitement. I am on the cusp of a decision that will change our lives and I feel the weight of that. I feel the wonder of that… I feel so much. For the last few weeks I have been drenched in feelings. I am alive with them, I am overwhelmed and entranced by them. I have gone my whole life quenching every emotion… I have carefully controlled my facial expression because to live in my emotions and to let them clearly show on my face and body language felt so dangerous to me… felt suicidal. I lived so much of my life just … just surviving… not REALLY living. I have just waited for death, waited for it all to end. Now pure energy is coursing through my veins in the form of every emotion I have not allowed myself to feel in over 30 years. I am dreaming… I am hoping… I am not worried about every thing I do, I a not afraid to make mistakes any more. So I am going to go with my heart…. This huge decision – this is going to be all heart… Now I just have to figure out what my heart wants.