My grandmother is fiercely loyal to her favorite son. For reasons no one really knows she worships the ground he walks on. It is not unlike a cult, with Eddie the proclaimed prophet or savior. I will never understand where this unhealthy devotion comes from. Growing up in this family of 8 children, Eddie was the one who could do no wrong. He molested some and possibly all of his 5 sisters. When they came and told their mother, she told all of the children to keep it a secret and not tell their father. She was worried that if her husband found out he would kick Eddie out of the house. She was more willing to sacrifice all 5 of her daughters to this man than to save her daughters and put him away where he belonged.
Later, after the children grew up and some had girls of their own, the entire family gladly left their daughters alone with this man knowing full well what he was capable of. It was more important to save this “good man” this “man of God” than to be sure their children were safe. It was more important to preserve a reputation than any of the girl’s innocence. We were all disposable. Just something to be sacrificed at the Altar of Eddie.
If I live to be a hundred years old, I will never know where all of the contempt came from. Why were the girls in my family so despised? Why were we so worthless to so many people? Why were our lives not more important than the reputation and freedom of one man? Why was it ok for Eddie to molest and rape us?
I know it’s impossible to ever get answers to these questions, but I long to understand. There’s a part of me that believes if I could just understand this, my life would suddenly make sence. I know this is pure fantasy and will never happen, but I just long to categorize these experiences and make them fit into some form of sanity. I want to have simple explanations, even if they are painful ones. Instead I am stuck with this horrible feeling of worthless-ness. Of being a disposable object… a thing of contempt. I feel like I must be truly broken for an entire family to want to toss me to a monster, then protect the monster.
I know one day I will be beyond this in my healing and the quest for answers will not matter so much. I know that one day I will learn to accept that my family is just profoundly broken and twisted and wrong and completely unaware of what love actually is or what it means. But between now and then I have this gaping hole in my heart and a pain that permeates all I touch and a sadness that lingers behind my smile.
captivatingbitter 
captivatingbitter: The legions of violence and abuse horrible as they are as they may be, sometimes bear no witness; they are empowered by the “blind” eye. Those whom would pretend the horrors away, out of existence serve to uplift a THING that should be buried in its own puke.
Why would those previously abused surrender precious gifts, children, their children to the grips of such horror, the answer (possibly) lies within deeper recesses of human psychology; beyond the conscious mind. Whatever the reasons, the obvious harm is immediate and devastating. Thus, the cycle of violence abuse rape incest child lusting continues.
Perhaps true answers to such questions are found in a higher power. One must pray to God for resolution for HELP; to be embraced and lifted out and away from the ruins of evil and evil doings.
This surely you have done; and sometimes answers remain in question form. I know, many times it seemed that my questions had been left unanswered; so many times I would curse God, denying His existence, only to return to Him for comforting, soothing.
TRUST is difficult when one has suffered and for extreme periods.
Though we want never to disbelieve, we MUST and somehow LEARN to believe that one day the evil would no longer haunt us; that GOD would stand by us and wrap around us, shielding us from hurt of all types. That not only would HE destroy the evils that harmed us, but doom every evil to a merciless HELL.
Yes: one day you will overcome and the “the quest for answers will not matter so much.” Still: today you must persevere you must (continue to) be strong, NEVER turn away from engagement; look evil in its eyes, raising sword and shield, rushing forward into the fight.
FIGHT. WIN. DO IT NOW.
captivatingbitter: love embraces you though sometimes it is difficult to feel; though your family seemed to be without love, still love lives.
Sometimes in order to have something; to know and to feel something, one must reach for it.
MAKE IT REAL.
captivatingbitter: The hole in your heart; the pain permeating you; the sadness lingering behind your smile ONE DAY would disappear, rendering you a newly found happiness, restoring-truly-the JOY of SMILING.
BELIEVE.