Tag Archive: fear


Thoughts on Mother’s Day


It is an odd thing

to live in the space

between…

I am a woman

mid-fourties.

I have no children.

I have no mother.

No one knows what

to do with me

on Mother’s Day.

Sometimes it feels

like the space between

is supposed to be shameful

or somehow

less than.

But I don’t feel ashamed

or lessened.

I feel loved by the wind

comforted by the dance

of leaves against

a moonlit sky

and I don’t shy away

from the lonely hours…

Songs of frogs

and night birds

bid me to dance

-barefoot-

among them…

I feel wild

and alive.

Don’t pity me.

I don’t pity myself.

Come…let me teach you

the dance of the dark

and the glory

of the night wind.

Heartbroken


Friendship was extended

with a knife

I could not see…

A false acceptance

hidden behind

an offer of family.

Such a beautiful trap.

One I fell into

so easily

having longed

so desperately

to belong.

Night Singing


Deep in my soul hums

the song of night creatures…

How I had missed

their singing…

After so many years

of pain

of fear

I began to believe

this horrible

breath-holding silence

was all I would have…

their voices silenced

by a predator. 

I am not sure when

they began to sing again…

tentative notes of hope

springing forth…

now a near-constant

song of joy…

unafraid and alive

at last.

Symphony


There is a wistfulness

on the air

and the trees are dancing

to a symphony 

…unheard…

yet I feel the notes

thrum through my soul

and settle on my skin

like a lover’s touch

inviting me to dance…

to take his hand

and trust…

so now I dance…

one with clouds

with treetops

with birdsong

and falling stars.

I dance to the symphony

I now call

freedom.

The Weight


The dying light

all golden

turning trees

into shadows

wraps me in

a solmnenty

and I feel the weight

of the day

dropping down.

I feel the ripples

through my heart

pebbles in a pond

of memory

and I do not escape

unscathed.

January Sun


The light of January

caresses my skin

warming me –

despite the bite

of the wind…

There is a hope in my heart

I hardly know how to navigate.

A loss I feel

but do not kneel to…

I will not be cowed

by grief –

will not bow to it…

I will, instead,

hold fast to the hope

brought by January sunlight…

a newness in the day

unshackled by old regrets…

untainted by this

old grief.

Alive.

The Invitation


Alone, my thoughts

drift to you…

awakened by love…

mind awash in hope.

Scared , but not defeated…

cold fingers of doubt cannot

overturn this joy…

this longing to be free…

thoughts of you careen… a

Juxtaposition of peace

and fear. Hope and longing.

never have I been so

alive and unafraid…

songs from the wind

invading my mind… give me

elusive joy…. surcease..

worry melting like snow..

intimacy beckons, and I answer the

call…hesitant…then full of a

zeal I did not know I could possess..

Answers in the Silence


I shout into the wind

the full volume of my pain

and listen for the answer

echoing back at me in silence…

my hands fisted at my side,

my soul reaching for hope.

Even on the most hope-

less days, the night wind

comforts, loves, caresses my side

and gently lifts my pain

offering me peace, silence

and hints at the answer

I have been searching for…answers

to my desperation…this subtle hope

sings to me in this silence,

accompanied by the whispering wind…

the balm to my soul’s pain..

wind’s fingers tracing the inside

of my open collar, along the side

of my neck.  What if the answer

to happiness, is embracing the pain?

Could that be our hope?

Pain danced away in the wind,

twirling in the dark silence?

Slowly the raging cacophony falls silent

and peace settles gently inside.

My mind still on the wind’s

Embrace, no longer looking for an answer

just awash in that elusive hope…

for the moment, a reprieve from pain.

I look into the eyes of pain

reflected in my mirror… silence

all around me… hope

slowly growing deep inside.

Questions forgotten, unanswered

for the moment, healed by the wind.

Despite the pain always inside

Despite the silence, years with no answer

I will forever find hope, waiting on the wind.

December Grief


December has a

Sense of urgency…

Days flowing too fast

And I can’t find my footing…

Stumbling over these rocks

Of grief,

And falling down hard – 

Body battered

Soul crying out for help

To an empty room

The wall’s silence

Screaming back at me…

Needles of that empty echo

Piercing my heart….

What is one more wound?

Morning Battle


For one so at home in the dark,

I often awake to find myself tormented…

plagued, harried

Utterly broken and 

so. very. afraid.

Why is it so easy to breathe

At night, sitting alone in the dark

And in the early morning hours

Every breath is a 

Ragged gasp…

Fighting for air…?

Why, when I should feel uneasy

Sitting in the night air

Listening to the wind 

And the sounds from the city

Do I feel fearless?

Peaceful?

Yet in the breaking daylight

Peace gives way to 

Turmoil…and 

So much pain…

Every dark thought

Is a blade across my heart

Every shortcoming

A curse on my soul

And every tear shed

Feels like a shameful thing

Crying alone over coffee

Hating myself with a loathing

Beyond anything i have ever felt

For anyone else.