I spent most of my life running away from my anger, afraid of it. I thought if I just was careful, if I just suppressed all the seething anger threatening to overtake me I would ‘win’. I thought it would prove that I made it out… prove that despite their best efforts they did not win… I was wrong! My anger only turned inward… poisoning me. It turned into cutting, addiction, apathy, defeat, depression. I am through. I am not doing this anymore. You know what you deserve? You- pretender- the one who tortured me, who abused me, who raped me, who molested me, who slapped me, who beat me… you know what you deserve…??>> You deserve this anger – you deserve this pain – you deserve to feel crazy and out of control! You deserve to be beaten, stoned, tortured. You deserve to be exposed and laid bare for all the world to see. You deserve to be reviled. You deserve to be seen as the disgusting, weak, pervert that you are! And don’t think that you are getting away with anything help-meet… Don’t think I don’t see you in the dark cowering…hiding in his shadow! You are just the same! You are just as bad! Do you think that not helping – that just watching and being the silent partner absolves you of guilt?!? Do you think your hands are any less dirty?! I am here to tell you, you are just as vile! You are just as poisonous! You are GUILTY!! I am DONE feeling crazy because of your choices! I am done twisting myself in knots trying to make sense of your lies! I am not crazy! It was not my fault ~ It is never a child’s fault for being abused and not having anyone to stand up for them! I am done taking the blame for the damage you caused! I am not playing this game anymore! You are nothing and you don’t get a say-so any more!
Tag Archive: murder
(Warning: Contents may be triggering and not appropriate for all readers)
Fear threatens to consume me again… just when I think I have a handle on things I feel that familiar threat rising up to consume me… I feel that self-doubt… that heart-pounding… that palm sweating… I feel intensely aware of my weaknesses and short-comings. I feel wholly inadequate. I feel so insecure and I avert my eyes in the mirror – too ashamed to meet my gaze. I hate this so much. I feel my heart break…
I was thinking the other day about one particular instance in my child-hood. I was forced by my father to kill my pet rabbits. In his mind I was not feeding them enough… or feeding them often enough… so he decided that since I was (supposedly) starving them that I should just have to kill them. He made me get them out of their hutch one at a time and hit them in the head with a piece of two-by-four and then skin them. There are not words to express how horrifying it was to do this… to hold something in your hands that you love and kill it. To be so ruled by fear that you obey without question. One of the rabbits came back to consciousness in my hands as it was being skinned and twitched and screamed… I can hear it to this day and I will never forget the terror in its eyes. My heart aches to recall it and I feel this terror and this shame rise up in me… I felt like a monster doing this… and that feeling lingers and sometimes I am afraid that I became a monster all those years ago. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I don’t know how to absolve this guilt or assuage this fear. I don’t want to go the rest of my life hating myself for this but I honestly don’t know how to ease this dark ache in my chest… this pit that opens up every time I remember.
captivatingbitter 