I’m having one of those days… one of those days where my heart won’t stop pounding and I can scarcely breathe. My ears are ringing and I hate this feeling. Every little thing is getting under my skin. I feel defensive and easily offended… I feel like a bundle of raw nerve endings. Does this ever go away? Will there ever be a time when I experience my very last panic attack? Will I ever live day after day with no heart-pounding, chest-tightening, jumping at every sound, sweaty palms, can’t breathe intrusions into my psyche?? I don’t even know how to imagine this kind of life. How do I imagine being at home in my own skin? What would it feel like to be at rest in myself? What must it be like to simply sit down and read a good book? To get lost in music? To enjoy a cup of tea or a hot shower without feeling pressure to get up and pace, clean, fidget?? How do I get to the point where I can rest without feeling guilty? How do I kick this voice out of my head that tells me continually that I am not good enough, that I am lazy, that I am not doing enough and what I am doing I am not doing right? Perfection does not equal happiness… Part of me believes once I understand this I may find peace.
captivatingbitter 