The music of my life
has changed
from jangling chords
to sweet melody…
the cacophony
has given way
to softer strains…
now a lullaby
of peace…
undercurrants of joy
instead of
discordant
disharmonized notes
of fear.
This is a melody
I can twirl to.
No longer cowering…
I fling out my arms
and dance!
It is amazing to me
how different
life can be,
how much can change
in two short years.
The summer heat
used to feel oppressive…
Now I feel kissed
by the sun.
Nights of fear
and suffocating tension
have given way
to peace..
and ecstatic joy.
“Home” felt like
a battlefield –
Now I am at home
in myself
and I find it a place
of grace…of peace.
Beauty that existed
only in moments
now whisper to me
constantly
singing me to sleep.
Each night I am
kissed by the wind
instead of
weathering the storm.
Alone…never lonely.
I have found
family
at last.
How strange
and wonderful
to find
-all these years later-
that there is love
that doesn’t hurt
doesn’t break you
doesn’t leave scars
on your soul.
There is a wistfulness
on the air
and the trees are dancing
to a symphony
…unheard…
yet I feel the notes
thrum through my soul
and settle on my skin
like a lover’s touch
inviting me to dance…
to take his hand
and trust…
so now I dance…
one with clouds
with treetops
with birdsong
and falling stars.
I dance to the symphony
I now call
freedom.
The dying light
all golden
turning trees
into shadows
wraps me in
a solmnenty
and I feel the weight
of the day
dropping down.
I feel the ripples
through my heart
pebbles in a pond
of memory
and I do not escape
unscathed.
Alone, my thoughts
drift to you…
awakened by love…
mind awash in hope.
Scared , but not defeated…
cold fingers of doubt cannot
overturn this joy…
this longing to be free…
thoughts of you careen… a
Juxtaposition of peace
and fear. Hope and longing.
never have I been so
alive and unafraid…
songs from the wind
invading my mind… give me
elusive joy…. surcease..
worry melting like snow..
intimacy beckons, and I answer the
call…hesitant…then full of a
zeal I did not know I could possess..
December has a
Sense of urgency…
Days flowing too fast
And I can’t find my footing…
Stumbling over these rocks
Of grief,
And falling down hard –
Body battered
Soul crying out for help
To an empty room
The wall’s silence
Screaming back at me…
Needles of that empty echo
Piercing my heart….
What is one more wound?
I sat tonight
Reading Frost
By the dim light
The taste of cranberry
Across my tongue
As I sipped my drink.
The cold November wind
Biting my neck and
Blowing my hair
In my face.
The soaring voice
Of a violin in my ears…
In this moment…
Content…
To let my spirit
Soar and plummet
With the notes,
Sad when the music fades…
Buoyed again
When mesmerized by
The dance of the trees…
The wind their
Loving partner.
For one so at home in the dark,
I often awake to find myself tormented…
plagued, harried
Utterly broken and
so. very. afraid.
Why is it so easy to breathe
At night, sitting alone in the dark
And in the early morning hours
Every breath is a
Ragged gasp…
Fighting for air…?
Why, when I should feel uneasy
Sitting in the night air
Listening to the wind
And the sounds from the city
Do I feel fearless?
Peaceful?
Yet in the breaking daylight
Peace gives way to
Turmoil…and
So much pain…
Every dark thought
Is a blade across my heart
Every shortcoming
A curse on my soul
And every tear shed
Feels like a shameful thing
Crying alone over coffee
Hating myself with a loathing
Beyond anything i have ever felt
For anyone else.
captivatingbitter 