I feel so much… My heart quakes within me. I feel so overwhelmed and afraid…I feel so sad and angry… I feel so much love and longing… I feel like I am going to either explode or fall apart… I feel like I am never going to stop crying… but then I will suddenly feel like laughing… I feel like yelling, raging, tearing things…I feel like screaming… I feel so very lost.
Archive for August, 2017
I foolishly assumed I would be good at marriage… I thought – through no fault or effort of my own – I would naturally be a good wife. I was so wrong. I have been so lost. I have been broken. I have been arrogant. I have failed so often I sometimes wonder why I try… I have believed lies… I have believed that I was helpless… I have believed that I did not have a choice in how I acted… no choice in how I gave/received love…. I have been so lost… I have been lazy and uncaring. I have been self absorbed. I have been numb. I have been just about the worst wife I could be. I have made my husband feel unseen, unheard, unloved… He has felt abandoned by me… He has felt unlovable and unlovely. I am so lost…
Do you ever have one of those times when it seems like the world is getting darker and darker and you can scarcely breathe? Do you ever feel like the universe is against you and you start to believe that there is no way out except death? I am so scared right now. So scared and feeling desperate.
I hate those nights when the fear creeps up on you… when you are settling in to sleep and suddenly you find your chest tightening and your thoughts racing… when you find your breath catching and you can’t get enough air into your lungs. 
captivatingbitter 