Sometimes my heart
becomes exhausted
by the tremendous
weight of this
– grief –
And every new
pebble of pain
hits the bottom
like a boulder
sending tidal waves
instead of ripples.
Thrown by the
destruction, I ache…
but I recover…
Now, sitting in the
night air…
peace finds me
once again…
hesitant,
tentative
but alive.
There is a white tree
in the woods
near my home.
Its skeletal bark
a stark contrast
amongst the
near blackness
surrounding it.
Its light leaves
screaming out
against the silence
of dark pine needles
all around.
It rises stubbornly
reaching bone-white
fingers toward the
sky…palms upward
full of an offering
of peridot…
kissed each night
by moon and stars.
You reach out to me
with claws…
those hooked talons
that once looked like home.
The fingers of my soul
still trace over and over
the road-map of scars
your “love” left
on my heart
…still flinching
at the ones
yet unhealed…
straining at the stitches
of grace and
tentative hope…
trying not to
reopen the wounds.
Deep in my soul hums
the song of night creatures…
How I had missed
their singing…
After so many years
of pain
of fear
I began to believe
this horrible
breath-holding silence
was all I would have…
their voices silenced
by a predator.
I am not sure when
they began to sing again…
tentative notes of hope
springing forth…
now a near-constant
song of joy…
unafraid and alive
at last.
I tried to read
The greats tonight
Leonard, Angelou,
Poe, Frost…
But it is my own voice
Too loud in my ear
That sets me
Quivering –
With loss, pain,
With fear remembered
And love…lost…
I tried to smile
Around this ache in my chest,
but each one
Shattered
Hurting my face.
The clouds are moving
Too fast tonight
Ghosts against
A black sky…
And the breeze
Doesn’t invite
Doesn’t caress…
Instead… alienates.
There is a wrongness
And I feel
Cornered
Not romanced –
Caged…silenced…
Grief-choked.
No song tonight
On the symphony
Of wind
Notes all soured
By this aching
…this pain…
This ground under
Boot-heel feeling
…abandoned…
Alone in the dark.
I still feel the
absence of that
small gold band
missing from my
finger – yet the
weight of it
is so heavy
carried in
my heart.
I am drowning in
the dreams I once
held dear. Hope
of happiness and
passion and a family
unbreakable… immutable…
yet… now utterly broken
shattered beyond
any hope, any trust
any love…
I have no hope
of you anymore…
This weight on my finger…
the absence of you..
now it feels like
freedom.
Cool invisbile
fingers of wind gently stroke
the tears from my face
All I see is you
your once familiar face
now ever pain-blurred
How to control this
deep ache felt with every beat
of a heart – once loved?
When I was held down,
Helpless in that dark place
Abused…
Tormented…
Yearning to be free
Only to feel shackled anew daily
Unable to think or
Dream of a future
Enveloped in despair
Shaking in fear, anger, loneliness… still
I hoped… I yearned… longed for
Release, rescue…seeking
Escape in the wrong hands
Desperate for safety…
Telling myself all the same
Old lies, whispering
Destruction to my own heart
Even while yearning for
Salvation.
Tired of living in chains
Relying on my
Own strength… a lie… only
Your strength can free me… can
Make me new. I struggle
Even now… but change is on the way…
Hope will not be denied
Eternity is housed in the faintest
Whisper of His voice.
I am nothing… but Him? He is
Love, Passion, Power… Freedom
Lies in His embrace… He will
Make me new… In Him
Alone lies the answer… and I
Know He will provide.
Even though I fail, even though I
Stumble… even in my shame I won’t stop
Trying to move forward
Reaching out for the Throne of Grace.
Only then will I be free,
New in heart, mind and soul
Given a new heart
A new name
Named HIS for eternity, my
Desires met in HIM
Bowing before the throne of
Eternity, humbly loved, forever
Amazed by HIS beauty and grace
Unable to imageine or ever again
Think of a life without love…
Immediately and irrevocably
Forever changed….
Undone and remade by
Love HIMSELF….Jesus Christ
captivatingbitter 