Tag Archive: divorce


Thank you for loving me…

Filed under: Poetry — Leave a comment
October 2, 2025

There are endless

Hours of conversation between us…

Among the laughter, tears… joy

Never far away… but – grief stays close as well…

Knowing you has helped me to know myself…

You have been a guide and a mirror to me

On this strange journey… one

Unlike any I have ever experienced.  I am

Feeling things I thought long dead

Only to see them rise again, full of hope…

Relieved to find that – against all odds

Love is possible for me…

Only you can say you know me as you do…

Vulnerable, hesitant, afraid… yet

Intrigued and embracing fearlessness and

Never giving up hope even when I 

Grasp for bravery, and find it eludes me…

Mesmerized by your steadfast love… I find

Eternity staring back at me. 

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Grief

Filed under: Poetry — Leave a comment
September 28, 2025

Your grief pierces me

and I feel it as acutely

as my own –

this pain…

at first sharp,

breathtaking…

then… settling in

making itself at home.

A duller, but still constant,

ache…

making friends with all

the other grief

all the loss, pain, fear…

finding its spot among

the rubble.

Somehow finding

beauty in finding

a home in me.

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The Land of the Living

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment
September 23, 2025

I feel like I have been in a fog for the last 5 years. I have made so many mistakes on my journey to be whole. I have to live with that. I hate that I abandoned myself, though. I used to believe that I had something to offer…some step on my healing journey that might help someone else. Then… I abandoned all of my former belief in this journey and went dark… I am sorry for that. My mistakes in healing are just as important as my triumphs… maybe more so because they show the honest truth and may make those of you on this broken journey with me feel less alone…less in the dark. I am digging deep, finding my roots, feeling the night without being invaded by the dark… come along, if you wish. I would love to have you on this journey with me… maybe we can help each other heal.

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Been a while…

Filed under: Random — 1 Comment
October 27, 2018

Some days I feel like I don’t exist anymore… and in some ways I suppose I don’t.  I am not the girl I was  years ago… I am not the woman I was a few months ago.  I am changing all the time.  For the longest time I fought that tooth and nail…I thought that was a bad thing.  I thought that changing meant I was losing a piece of myself ~or worse ~ all of myself.  I thought I would not be me anymore.  Turns out – I wasn’t.  But that is ok.  I began this blog to journal my healing journey.  I have been runnin’ a lot lately.  I have been hidin’.  I have been sneakin’ around hidin’ behind syntax and proper grammar.  I have been flowerin’ up my language and tryin’ to be proper.  Truth is, I am so angry.  I am so dang mad I could scream…and have!  I have screamed, cried, prayed… I have felt lost and confused and abandoned.  I have felt needy and weak.   It feels like the deeper I dig the more junk I find and I feel like I will never be ‘done’.  Like I will always find more junk to dig out and toss away.  My current list – well, it’s loooong – but I am working on it.

I found someone in my family decided to throw away a 20 year marriage, he has just thrown it away and utterly failed his wife and son.  He has been cruel and abusive and I am so disappointed in him.  He hurls insults and he is so hateful.  I doubt I would even recognize him anymore.  Not that we are close.  Those days are long over.

I am still working on my trauma therapy, having been beaten, raped, molested, abused…I just want to live, you know?  To really live.  I find myself tiptoeing around – literally.  I find myself trying to make myself small and not to be a bother.  I find myself waiting on the pain to rain down on me.  It is killing me.  It is killing my marriage.  My husband married me, but got this docile, hiding, timid woman instead.  I don’t even know who I am some days.

I am … well, not thriving… but hoping to thrive.  I am tired of living on bread and water when there is steak and wine.  I am ready to have my heart feast instead of hide.  I want to swim in the ocean of emotion … swim, and possibly, drown.  But I am ok with that.  I don’t want control anymore.  I want to be lost.DSC_0167

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Failure

Filed under: Healing, Random — 1 Comment
September 3, 2017

I have been fighting my tendency to hide from my emotions…  I have been fighting to stay in my feelings and stop hiding from them.  I have hidden from my heart for so long…  I have felt like a chameleon.  I have tried to give everyone around me what I thought they wanted… in doing this I have failed to just be myself.  I have learned and am still learning that what the people who love me really want from me is for me to just be myself.   How can anyone love me if I never give them a chance to know me?  What do I do if I never figure out who I am?  I am so afraid of this… I feel like I have spent my whole life running away from who I am…I have spent my whole life hiding… I have spent my whole life afraid.  I feel like I lost this fight today….   Today I hid in TV… I hid in food.. I hid in entertainment…  I buried my feelings and totally failed to sit in my skin.  I was all alone and there was no one to please but myself…and I still hid and ran away from my pain, my fear… I sat in numbness… I desperately hope (and plan) to win more battles in the future… I know this one failure is not me losing the war.  I can do this.  I passionately love… I passionately fear… I am passionately angry and I want to fight injustice.  I did not do anything to deserve the abuse and pain I endured – but I do have control and responsibility in how I react to that abuse and pain now.  No more running away!  I will FIGHT!  I am beautiful, I am fierce, I am worthy, I am loved.

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