captivatingbitter

I’ve noticed lately that I am getting more comfortable in my sadness.  I am so often sad but I generally hide it behind a mask of fake polite smiles and small talk or jokes.  Lately I just allow myself to sit in the sadness… to allow the emotion to wash through me…to wash over me and pass on.  I have found that by allowing myself to actually feel the emotion it can run its natural course and I am free to feel other things, like joy, anger, passion, fear… I’ve been numb for so long – numb and lost and I’m ready for that part of my life to be over.  I am ready to feel… to feel everything – even if it hurts.  Live is too precious to miss.  I am tired of running – tired of hiding – tired of protecting bullies and abusers.  I will not live my life in fear.  I will not hide and pretend that I do not see the evil in the world.  I want to do it all… I want to sing, to run, to fight, to dance, to paint, to play, to make a big mess and laugh… I do not want to spend the rest of my life in stasis.  I’m ready to rise up.  I want to twirl in the yard with my arms flung out and my face to the sky.  I want to sword fight with sticks and I want to seek out beauty every day – in every place I am.  I want to take long walks by moonlight again and not be afraid…  I want to live my life again… and to think… it all began with me allowing myself to be sad… allowing myself to be.