There’s so much I don’t understand about the healing process. I feel so lost and confused sometimes. I just want to feel whole again… I just want to be me again, whoever that is… For the first time in a long time I long to be whole, I want it so bad I can taste it. I am tired of lingering in the shadows hoping that everything will be ok. I am tired of settling for being broken. I am tired of being resigned to living this half-life where I never expect my life to be any better than it is. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be free. I deserve to feel strong and beautiful. I am done apologizing my way through life. I am done keeping my head down and staying out of everyone’s way. I am done being beaten down and just accepting that that is my fate. I want to live. I want to thrive. I want to twirl in the sunshine with my arms flung out and my head tilted back with the wind in my hair and a laugh on my lips. I want to dance in my livingroom unashamed. I want to play and have fun. I want to revel in every day miracles. I want to blow the seeds off dandelions and make wishes. I want to spoil myself and not feel guilty. I want to pursue health and not fear. I want to be embraced and enjoyed. I want to be safe again. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to allow my husband to love me. I want to give myself permission to be vulnerable and let down my guard. I want to be vibrant and passionate and ALIVE. I want freedom from this pain, this fear that holds me back… I want to more than conquer it I want to stomp it into the ground and take away its power over me. I want to shake off this weight from my shoulders and sing to the sky. I will be happy one day. I will overcome this.
captivatingbitter 
Hi captivatingbitter, I read your post, and regarding the healing process, of course it differs individually. Each person approaches, experiences the stages of healing in different ways. I agree whole heartedly that you should have everything you want. The first step toward healing you have gained, “ACKNOWLEDEGMENT.”
Pursue your passions make your dreams real, this can be only done by you. Yes, you deserve happiness; you deserve to not feel broken; you deserve to feel beautiful and free. YOU DESERVE TO BE EMBRACED AND ENJOYED.
Naturally, letting one’s guard down is risky, and though one terribly wants something, often it is difficult to accept the chances one faces. That said, still, you should never settle for an unjust fate.
I say, and though it may be difficult, learn to shake the weight from your shoulders, day by day, slowly become the person you FEEL inside. We all have crosses to bear, and must learn to carry them while LEARNING to heal.
I too have sadness in my life, and each day move through the process of healing. Truly, and while we live, healing is never fully acquired. We must learn to accept this fact and move on, we must LIVE.
Be Well. (If you care to, visit me at: http://delbertdelbert.wordpress.com/2011/02/23/he-is-hurting-my-mother/).