Now that I am aware…now that I am awake, I am trying not to be hyper-aware of everything I do I am trying not to over-analyze my thoughts and actions.  I want to be alive in my world, not just drifting slowly through it, but I also want to relax and enjoy the journey.  I want to drink in life and stop being a passive character in my own life story.  I want to be able to recognize and admit to a lifetime of abuse without drowning in this grief.  I want to realize my own self-worth without becoming self-involved.  I want to admit that I need to do things for me that make me happy without alienating the people I love.  I want to give myself permission to be happy without seeking the approval of others.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I want to stop hiding behind the “everything is ok” mentality when things are so obviously broken.  I want to be able to admit to this pain that threatens to overwhelm me without making the people around me uncomfortable.  I am so tired.  So afraid.  So broken.  I am ready to shake off this cloak and lie in the sun.  I am ready… just so afraid…