There is so much I don’t understand about this life.  It feels like it is crumbling around me.. every time I feel safe – like I might possibly have a chance at being ok, like I might actually be beginning to grasp things and see some glimmer of day-light… it hits.  Life socks me right in the gut and tells me again how worthless I am. How am I supposed to stop believing that I am worthless when the evidence is all around me.  I hurt the people I love.  I am desperate for forgiveness – for absolution.  I pray and I pray… I am doing the work – reading the books… I am trying to get in touch with my heart and find some true peace but I don’t know if I will make it.  I am terrified.  There is one person on this earth who truly knows me and loves me and he can barely stand to be with me because I am so hurtful to him… I am screwing this up!  I am failing all over again and I don’t know what to do.  I can barely function.  I wish I could just die sometimes so I could stop hurting people…stop hurting me.  I wish I had never been born.  I wish I didn’t exist.  I keep praying for God to remake me… maybe I could be better -I don’t know.  I just know that there’s something profoundly wrong with me and I am afraid I’ll  never be right again.