My mother passed away recently as I posted a while back… I am still trying to figure out how I feel about it all, but what I have concluded is this…I lost all hope of having a mother years ago… In many ways I lost my mother long before she died. I lost what it was to have a mother. I lost any concept of being loved by a mother or having a mother to love and celebrate and look up to. Now, here I am at 44 trying to reconcile my aching heart to the loss of a woman who hated me and did so much to crush my heart and who was far more concerned with being a martyr than a mother. I don’t know how to navigate these waters. I loved my mother and I was also so crushed by her and so utterly hurt. Sometimes my heart just aches within my chest and part of me recognizes that ache as the ache for family…for her. I dreamed of having a mother I could say anything to…who I could talk to about anything at any time. Someone I could tell the truth to and who would always tell me the truth in turn. Someone who would help me to know what a Godly woman looked like, what a good wife was, how to be a woman. I wanted someone to demonstrate femininity and not to revile it. Instead I was raised in loveless house of lies and my heart just hurts… I am not sure now how to mourn her, how to mourn myself…
Tag Archive: adult survivor of child abuse
Dear Mom & Dad,
I am so disappointed in you. I will never understand the way you treated me. Why didn’t I matter to you? Why, when you found out I was molested, was your first thought about how you could protect your reputations and not about how you should/could have protected me? How can you play nice with and spend time with family that treated their daughters like human sacrifices? Why was it so hard for you to love me? Mark loves me and he says I am easy to love – so why is it so hard for you? Why couldn’t you see me? Was I invisible? Was I too much? You always made me feel like I was too much – like loving me would just overload you somehow. Why wasn’t I ever good enough for you? Why did you turn on me? How was it my fault that Eddie raped me and his daughters? It wasn’t my fault, it was never my fault! How dare you blame me! It is so unfair. you should never have had me – you didn’t want a daughter – you wanted another notch in your belt… another blessing to claim… some other piece of evidence to prove you were a man & woman of God. You wanted a trophy not a child. You treated me like a display and when I wasn’t ‘pretty’ when I didn’t display just right you didn’t want me anymore. You would rather think I was possessed by the devil than to think I didn’t believe like you anymore. You would rather count me among the lost souls than to consider you may be wrong in you beliefs and there may be more to life and to God than wrath and anger. It isn’t my fault you don’t know me (or God.) It’s yours. you had plenty of chances to know me and you didn’t bother. I am worth it. I don’t deserve your criticism our your disdain. you don’t know me because you don’t think I am worth it…well, you’re missing out. I am worth it…I am a good woman. I am smart, beautiful and loving. I love God with all my heart and I serve Him. I love my husband and I am a wife to be proud of. Being raped by Eddie was not my fault – it was yours and you are not worthy to be parents.
It was not my fault. It was not my fault.
It was not my fault. It was not my fault.
It will never be my fault.
Love,
No Longer Damaged Goods
captivatingbitter 