I feel like I am in the fight of my life. I am up against so much. Not only am I still coming to terms with my past abuse, I am trying to break my present cycle of self-abuse. I was feeling all proud of myself thinking I had come so far… and to be fair I have made a lot of progress – but I have a daunting amount of work ahead of me. I am nearly crippled by this. I don’t know how to be real. I am really good at faking it. I look great on paper – happily married, good career, room for growth and promotion in my field, 2 college degrees, a savings account, pets, friends… We own our home and cook meals way more than we eat out… we hike when we can on weekends and try to play tennis once a month… The reality is we don’t have it together. I don’t have it together. I don’t even know where “it” is to get it together. I have no idea where to start. I’m reading books, doing my devotions, listening to Christian music, going to therapy and yet “it” eludes me.
I don’t want to go through the motions, I want to live. I am fighting to live – to breathe – to have a thought or opinion I don’t feel I have to apologize for. I am sick to death of being sorry all the time! What am I sorry for, existing? breathing? being? I have no idea… I just feel perpetually apologetic and frankly pathetic! This is not me… every fiber of my being screams and rails against this shell of a person I have become. I have to defeat her. She may have served a purpose at one time but those days are long gone and now instead of helping me she is slowly undermining me – turning me into a mindless, whimpering drone. I am not this woman. I am passionate and alive. I am angry and strong and am not going to put up with this any more! I am fierce and loving and loyal and I get what I want because I fight for it. I am not this mousey, lay down and die disguise I have been wearing… I am not this afraid to look you in the eyes broken down woman who I have been pretending to be lately.
I am putting on my armor – I am sharpening my weapons – I am stoking this furnace and I will burn off this shell in a wash of heat and light and hope. I will find myself again and I will not be burdened by all of this fear any longer. I deserve better. I am worth fighting for and if any one is going to fight for me I had better start the battle. I am loved, I am fiercely guarded, I am cherished, I am Captivating. I will defeat these shackles and melt away these chains and I will rise up. I am an amazing woman. I am strong. You haven’t seen anything yet.
captivatingbitter 