The mist curls softly,
caresses me lovingly,
a cool kiss of death.
I seek the embrace
of skeletal Thanatos
with his grinning skull
and eyeless sockets.
He carefully gathers me
doll-like in his arms,
singing lullabies
to the dying child within.
I cry in the end,
With horror – with pain.
One tear for my funeral.
One tear for my death.
You know, I never would have thought of myself as bad, damaged, or to blame if it had not been implied by my father. After my family found out about that I was molseted by my uncle they treated me like a freak, like a stranger. I don’t think they knew what to say to me or how to act around me. It’s like we were all lost. I will never forget what my father said, though… He had 3 things to say.
1. Are you sure you’re not making this up. Did you just want to fit in with the other girls, is that why you said this?
2. Why didn’t you tell us? Did you like it so much you just didn’t want it to stop, is that why you never said anything?
3. You are no better than a child molester your-self. If you would have said something when it happened you could have saved your cousins.
I will carry these scars the rest of my life. Before this conversation it never crossed my mind that I was to blame for any of this. Before this conversation being molested was just a bad thing that happened to me. Before this I had the illusion that my family would be there for me and support me if the worst happened. This conversation changed my entire life.
With growing interest I watch his hands
gesturing emphatically as he preaches
to the congregation about God and man.
He preaches against the sins of greed and wine;
he tells us how we are to come as a child
unto the Lord for His blessed forgiveness.
With trembling lips I beg for forgiveness.
I take the punishment from hard, cruel hands.
Inwardly, I curse the loss of my child-
hood while I listen to the message my uncle preaches.
Later, in my room, I stifle a whine
while fighting back tears of pain from the man
I have lovingly called uncle. This cheerful man
Hides secrets which are hard to forgive.
He gets high off touches, drinks them like wine
while inflicting embarrassing pain with his hand
up my thigh. Still touching me he preaches
and I can only sit stiff, a scared little child.
He talks about Jesus, who was Mary’s child
and I feel disgusted, afraid of this man.
His message seems the same as the one Jesus preaches,
but his actions are different. Does he ask forgiveness
for the crimes he committed with his holy hands?
Will there ever be a day for him to whine?
It looks thick, red like blood, his wine
of communion. I do not take any, I am a child.
With utmost kindness, he hands
me a towel to cleanse myself of he touch of this man.
I’m so scared of my uncle, who tells of forgiveness
while hurting the child who hears what he preaches
and who loves the Lord, loves the message he preaches,
Who takes what she can, who does not whine,
who longs for comfort, who begs for forgiveness,
who wants to know “Why Her?” His brother’s child.
Why must she suffer the lust of this man?
Why must she endure the touch of his hands?
It is a cool evening. There is a nice breeze billowing the curtains in through the sliding glass door. I am sitting on my uncle’s lap. My cousins are getting their baths and getting ready for bed. My aunt is in the kitchen washing dishes, I can hear the clink of plates and glasses against the metal sink through the doorway behind me. The armchair we are in is near a fireplace and there is a flickering light… like a lantern… somewhere close by. My uncle’s hands are rough and callused and his face needs a shave. He gestures constantly when he talks, like a magician distracting you at the crucial moment of his act. He is talking about God… preaching more than talking, really. There is gospel music playing on an old-fashioned looking radio near by. With one hand he is gesturing while with the other he molests me. I feel his rough hands on my soft thighs and I feel the pain of his penetration while I disappear into the light of the flickering lantern. I stay there until it is all over. I have no words for this… only pain and despair and embarassment. I feel dirty and wrong and confused. I forget it as soon as it happens and for years to come will remember only the light and a feeling of disgust.
captivatingbitter 