captivatingbitter

I feel like I am about to go completely crazy.  Have you ever wanted something…wished so hard for it you thought your heart would break?  I feel that way right now.  I am longing for healing, longing for freedom, longing for wholeness… longing so deeply that I can scarcely breathe.  I want to run away – start a new life somewhere far away where no one knows my name, where my past will not haunt me.  I want to feel safe in my own skin again.  I want to dream and dare.  I am tired of that anxious feeling…that bees buzzing in my chest feeling…that sense of impending doom that pervades my life.  I know that every day is not this bad.  I know that I am healing steadily every day.  I know that my life is better today than it has ever been and I know the best is yet to come.  But despite all of that – I still have days like this… days when I cannot calm down… days when I feel so fragile – like my feelings are barely beneath the surface and the least unkind work, look, gesture will bring me to tears.  I hate days like this…I hate feeling so vulnerable around perfect strangers.  Sanity feels elusive on days like this.  Like it is draining like sand from an hour glass… and I am running out of time.