You dance across my mind…
strong, graceful, beautiful…
and dangerous.
I inhale you…intoxicated…
breathe you in.
The scent of you pierces me
like lightening
piercing the night sky
in a violent, sensual embrace –
baring my desire…
my hunger – for all to see.
Igniting the very center of me
a flash fire, burning away the years
like dry tinder
leaving me before you
bare
quivering with evident desire
yet somehow unafraid.
She sat quietly in class
Never hearing a word-
Her mind screaming,
Racing, ravaging her thoughts…
She sat calmly, pen in hand;
Honor student….horror filled
And anguished.
Automatically, she made conversation…
She passed tests
She chatted with friends
And longed to die
To escape this pain…
She sat quietly in church
Longing for salvation
Imprisoned by religion
Preached at by her tormentors
Looking for horns
Disguised as halos.
She sat quietly at home
And smiled at the monsters
While cutting the pain
Of her soul out of her skin…
Watching the blood ooze and
Drip…with dry eyes
And emotionless face
Hiding the raging terror
In her heart.
She sat quietly in the therapist’s chair
Giving reassurances to the one
Who was supposed to help –
Praying they see
Behind her stillness
To the utter turmoil within
Not trusting anyone or anything…
Somehow comforting them
For her pain
And living with the hopelessness
That almost felt like a friend.
She stood quietly in the bathroom…
Staring at her calm face
Unwilling to meet her own gaze,
Unable to keep avoiding the horror…
The pain ravaging her from inside
And without warning-
Almost in slow motion
The avalanche began…
All the silence broke
The tears came in a torrent,
The rage, the pain…
The still, quiet girl is gone
Replaced with a woman
With a face full of anguish
Unable to sit quietly any longer –
Not willing to still her face
For the comfort of strangers
Haunted and crumbling
Shattered
Shuttering violently with each
Invasive
Intrusive
Memory.
Stumbling and falling
All along the path
To be whole.
I feel like I have been in a fog for the last 5 years. I have made so many mistakes on my journey to be whole. I have to live with that. I hate that I abandoned myself, though. I used to believe that I had something to offer…some step on my healing journey that might help someone else. Then… I abandoned all of my former belief in this journey and went dark… I am sorry for that. My mistakes in healing are just as important as my triumphs… maybe more so because they show the honest truth and may make those of you on this broken journey with me feel less alone…less in the dark. I am digging deep, finding my roots, feeling the night without being invaded by the dark… come along, if you wish. I would love to have you on this journey with me… maybe we can help each other heal.
captivatingbitter 