Tag Archive: feeling


My Levels of Not Okayness


I’ve been thinking a lot about Dante’s Divine Comedy…specifically his Inferno and I have decide I have 7 levels of my not-okay-ness…I know this is not grammatically correct 🙂 But it’s the best way I can explain it…  Here’s how it goes…  In this scenario I knock my contact solution off the sink edge due to my infinite clumsiness…

Level One: I have no reaction… I just pick it up and put it back.

Level Two: I take a deep breath, sigh, then put it back.

Level Three: I take  a deep breath, huff, blow, slam it back down.

Level Four: I growl at the contact solution, pick it up, slam it down, huff, mumble and clench my fists…then take a deep breath…

Level Five:  I growl, glare at the contact solution, leave it there, huff, sigh, take a moment to calm myself down and take a deep breath.

Level Six: I yell at the contact solution, I glare at it, I kick it across the room, yell at it some more and pick it up and slam it down.

Level Seven: I yell at the contact solution, sink, mirror and any inanimate object around, I pick up the contact solution and throw it against the mirror, I cry, I pick it up and throw it again.

Does anyone else have days like this filled with irrational emotional craziness?  I hate this rage…this overly emotional out of control feeling….I certainly don’t want to  go through life feeling like this… How do I get a handle on it?

Summer Days


Manarda (Bee Balm) blooming against the sky

Manarda (Bee Balm) blooming against the sky

 

This guy landed on me while I was pulling weeds.

This guy landed on me while I was pulling weeds.

 

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Coming out of the Shadows


I used to be a self-mutilator.  I don’t know why that is so hard for me to admit to when I have no problem talking openly about my abuse… it seems silly to me that I can tell someone that I was abused and raped but ignore the effects it had on me.  I had over 60 scars on my body from cutting at one time… many of which are completely healed over.  I cut for many reasons… mostly to escape the pain that tormented me daily… sometimes to escape the utter numbness that was the only alternative I had to the pain. 

Now I seek a healthier alternative… I allow myself to feel the pain and to process the anger.  I allow myself to be broken and in that find surcease.  I look at my scars now and do not feel shamed by them, rather, I feel honored.  Honored that I survived this and I can survive still.