I am so afraid… I am embarking on yet another chapter of my life and I don’t know if I can do this. I am finally coming to terms with how abusive my parents were. Even though they did not molest me, they didn’t protect me and not only did they not protect me they treated me like a freak when they found out. They blamed me, they buried the whole thing under the rug and went on pretending that everything in our family was perfect. I have been surrounded by this attitued of ‘everything is ok’ my whole life. No matter how twisted or painful things were in our home we all pretended to be a happy family. I don’t want to pretend anymore. My life was pain… intense, bitter pain… and I am not ok with that anymore. I will not bow down to this cult of secrets and lies anymore. I will approach my life with honesty, even if that means I cry every day until this mourning period has passed… at least I will be real.
Books I recommend
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Daily Rambles
captivatingbitter 
Hello captivatingbitter,
Although we don’t know one another, we are kindred spirits. I understand how you feel, for my life has traveled the same road. There were monsters everywhere, and no one to protect me. The biggest monster of all was my mother – by way of betrayal.
Even though the characters are different in our life’s stories, the pain, confusion, anger, shame, blame and devastation are the same. We both come from dysfunctional families – I had to learn to apply this word to my family – and accept it. I still don’t quite understand it – but it takes the weight off of my shoulders. I was born into it – I didn’t create it – it was NOT MY FAULT! And I certainly cannot fix it.
Even so, we carry a burden that we should not have to bear. It is difficult, but I try to use the pain, embrace the pain, and face the pain to change my life. You see, we can’t run from it, wish it away, or pretend those ugly things never happened. But we can emerge victors in spite of the evil things we endured. We can and should allow ourselves to be angry – but not at ourselves. We can still give and receive love – share and promote love – and learn what real love is all about. God is love.
The devil meant the harm to kill me, but God is using the maltreatment to strengthen me, fashion me a warrior for His Kingdom. I can choose to hide in my bed, as I sometimes feel like doing. But who would share “Me” with the world? Who would use my gifts and talents to be an instrument of change? Who would leave my mark in this dark world? Who would shine my light for me? Who would trample on evil and stand tall, wounded yet undefeated for me?
In this life, we may never know the answer to “Why?” Therefore, I focus on this journey with an expected end – heaven. This world and all within is passing away. I have one chance to leave my legacy, and that I will not let anyone take away from me. To me, it would be a shame to leave this world and not have shared my soul. My pain, struggles, fears, and whatever plagues me – as I overcome them with God’s grace – I reach out and assist another struggling soul. This is love – this is my life – to love – in spite of.
May God Bless you with His everlasting Peace
Be strong and courageous!
Terry
http://adultchildren.org/
Alcoholism may have been absent from your family dynamics, however, dysfunction often plays out the same.
http://ssofdv.wordpress.com/
Thanks so much for your kind words and thanks for the link… I will definately check it out…
Very welcome. I purchased the big red book and the workbook when I was attending online sessions. Both helped me to get in touch with much of what I was feeling inside. The workbook was a little difficult, for I had to search deep within and locate specific feelings that I didn’t want to think about. But once I did, I was able to understand the dynamics of family dysfunction much clearer.
In fact, I didn’t know we were “dysfunctional” until my participation. I just thought the adults were crazy alcoholics.
This was a place where I could anonymously let out my pain, and a safe place to cry. I was amazed over how many people shared similar issues and hurt. While listening to “shares” I was able to get in touch with feelings I had forgotten about. Which means they are no longer buried, but exposed. I believe God led me to ACOA, and I became stronger in many ways.
Is it a “cure all?” No, for you never forget. But it can help you to make sense of things if you are open to have that happen. Along with the help of God, and guidance of the Holy Spirit, I write freely about what is on my heart. Before the meetings, not so. I didn’t believe in my gift, and now I do.
Give it a try. It may be what you are needing.
Peace
This is the link for online meetings based on Eastern time:
http://www.stepchat.com/