…so tired of feeling like I can never tell the truth…
…so tired of holding back most of what I think and feel…
…so tired of protecting everyone from myself…
Please let me be free.
Please love me for who I am, not who you expect me to be.
Archive for August, 2011
I can feel the truth just beneath the surface of all my conversations. It waits there, lurks… longs to be released. This truth is a powerful, angry thing… all muscle and sinew… all teeth and scales – like a great dragon – pacing and gnashing its teeth. I could destroy you with my truth. I feel the power of it and know that it would pierce your armor (even if you do not show it). My truth lies in wait… languid and appearing lazy below these calm waters… beautiful and deadly… waiting to pull you to your death.
I have had it caged so long I have forgotten how to let it out from time to time… I fear it will break free from its prison – that it will escape and destroy you before I can contain it.
My husband has coined the phrase wild goodness to describe things that are good in a major way… sometimes even in a dangerous way… like a walk in a storm, sex on the beach in the middle of the day, a large sum of unexpected money… something that touches you on a primal level and speaks to the goodness and wildness that is God’s love for us. We try so hard to fit God into a box, to make him fit within parameters that are comfortable to us and when He doesn’t fit we get discouraged, frustrated and afraid. I know I do. I want God to be predictable and stable and quiet and unobtrusive; but I am glad He is not those things. Deep down, I am glad He is wild and dangerous and good in ways that are beyond my comprehension. I am glad He is a God of Passion, a God of fierceness, a God of untold beauty and strength… a God of storms and sex and roller-coasters… a God of music and art… of lovers and warriors and dancers… a God of grace and peace… I want to live a life of wild goodness… of abandon. God help me to see You as You are.
captivatingbitter 