There is so much I don’t understand about this life. It feels like it is crumbling around me.. every time I feel safe – like I might possibly have a chance at being ok, like I might actually be beginning to grasp things and see some glimmer of day-light… it hits. Life socks me right in the gut and tells me again how worthless I am. How am I supposed to stop believing that I am worthless when the evidence is all around me. I hurt the people I love. I am desperate for forgiveness – for absolution. I pray and I pray… I am doing the work – reading the books… I am trying to get in touch with my heart and find some true peace but I don’t know if I will make it. I am terrified. There is one person on this earth who truly knows me and loves me and he can barely stand to be with me because I am so hurtful to him… I am screwing this up! I am failing all over again and I don’t know what to do. I can barely function. I wish I could just die sometimes so I could stop hurting people…stop hurting me. I wish I had never been born. I wish I didn’t exist. I keep praying for God to remake me… maybe I could be better -I don’t know. I just know that there’s something profoundly wrong with me and I am afraid I’ll never be right again.
Archive for March, 2012
Dear Mom & Dad,
I am so disappointed in you. I will never understand the way you treated me. Why didn’t I matter to you? Why, when you found out I was molested, was your first thought about how you could protect your reputations and not about how you should/could have protected me? How can you play nice with and spend time with family that treated their daughters like human sacrifices? Why was it so hard for you to love me? Mark loves me and he says I am easy to love – so why is it so hard for you? Why couldn’t you see me? Was I invisible? Was I too much? You always made me feel like I was too much – like loving me would just overload you somehow. Why wasn’t I ever good enough for you? Why did you turn on me? How was it my fault that Eddie raped me and his daughters? It wasn’t my fault, it was never my fault! How dare you blame me! It is so unfair. you should never have had me – you didn’t want a daughter – you wanted another notch in your belt… another blessing to claim… some other piece of evidence to prove you were a man & woman of God. You wanted a trophy not a child. You treated me like a display and when I wasn’t ‘pretty’ when I didn’t display just right you didn’t want me anymore. You would rather think I was possessed by the devil than to think I didn’t believe like you anymore. You would rather count me among the lost souls than to consider you may be wrong in you beliefs and there may be more to life and to God than wrath and anger. It isn’t my fault you don’t know me (or God.) It’s yours. you had plenty of chances to know me and you didn’t bother. I am worth it. I don’t deserve your criticism our your disdain. you don’t know me because you don’t think I am worth it…well, you’re missing out. I am worth it…I am a good woman. I am smart, beautiful and loving. I love God with all my heart and I serve Him. I love my husband and I am a wife to be proud of. Being raped by Eddie was not my fault – it was yours and you are not worthy to be parents.
It was not my fault. It was not my fault.
It was not my fault. It was not my fault.
It will never be my fault.
Love,
No Longer Damaged Goods
Dear Eddie:
How dare you! I don’t know what’s wrong with you! Who would do that to a child? What kind of sick pervert would touch a child like that?!? You are a monster and you don’t deserve to live. I wish you had never been born. You are disgusting! It is never ok to force sex on a child. Children are not sexually attractive. You diseased, filth-ridden, deplorable man! You should suffer for what you did to me, to all of us. You should be tortured slowly over years for the pain you inflicted on us. You are not a follower of Christ! You should never pretend to be…. all those years of preaching while raping little girls… you are disgusting, filthy and an abomination to humanity. You should not call yourslef a man – that is an insult to masculinity. True men protect those they love – they do not torture them. True men do not use their strength to coerce – they use it to liberate. You do not even deserve to be called human – none of what you did to us was humane. I hope you rot in prison – know that you belong there!
Sincerely,
No Longer Damaged Goods
captivatingbitter 