captivatingbitter

Yesterday was a day filled with Wild Goodness (a phrase I stole from my husband.) First, let me explain what Wild Goodness means to me, without getting too “preachy”. Wild Goodness is the way I interpret the manifestation of God’s unfailing love for me. My heart is soothed by the natural world…by thunder-storms, by seeing animals in the wild, by flowers blooming, by shapes in clouds, by the surprise of a passionate kiss… by things that are beautiful and wild and possibly even dangerous. I feel wooed by God in unlikely ways… I feel His love for me in lightening (even though the thunder makes me jump every-single-time!) I feel it in butterflies, in sweat on my brow when I am pulling weeds, in the arms of my passionate husband, in orgasms, in the throbbing pulsing beats of my favorite hard rock songs, in the thrill of danger when you happen upon a snake or wild animal, in the wind on my skin… you catch my drift…

My day begins with squirrels.

These guys were playing outside my office.

Ok, ok…I know squirrels are often viewed as pests and rightly so, they can be very damaging…but let’s put all that aside for the moment and be purely emotional about them… no rational thinking allowed! Looking out of my office window I saw a mama squirrel carrying her baby in her mouth.  It was astonishing considering the ‘baby’ squirrel was nearly as large as the mother.  She was climbing the pillar of the building next door carrying her young one in her mouth.  Their nest was apparently under the cap of the corner of the building’s aluminum roofing.  Navigating the roof looked difficult…the pillars are rough and could be climbed with apparent ease – but getting to the nest required a clever jump onto a smooth surface with almost no purchase.  The mother squirrel had perfected this maneuver but the baby hesitated and would not make the jump.  The mother squirrel tried to carry the young one all the way but she could  not do it – they both nearly fell…it was time to change tactics.  The mother, with her young following closely on her tail, climbed the pillar, made the leap and went into the nest where she immediately poked her head back out waiting on the baby to follow.  After it was apparent the infant was not following the mother climbed down to the ground (followed by her baby) where she fussed over him and groomed him and allowed him to groom her… I interpreted it as reassurance… then they tried again… this happened over and over and after each failed attempt there was the time spent on the ground – fussing over her young with deliberate affection and reassurance.  Watching all of this… it reminded me of God’s patience for us.  It made me think of how He shows us the way over and over again and each time we fail he comes back for us, tells us we are loved and forgives us…then show us the way all over again.

From squirrels to snakes…

This little guy tried so hard to be fierce…

After work I decided to go to Phinizy Swamp Park to hike, read, journal, take photos, to commune with nature…I spied some picnic tables when I arrived and gathered my books, journal and camera and headed that way.  On my way over I spied a family – mother, father, 2 small blond boisterous boys and a large golden dog on a leash – all gathered around a spot on the ground making excited exclamations and gestures.  I could not resist, so I went to see what the fuss was about.   There on the ground, trying for all his worth to appear threatening, was a baby cotton-mouth.  This was a beautiful snake, about 5-6 inches long and a perfect example of Wild Goodness.  My photo hardly does him justice.  I know many would not find such pleasure in this encounter but to me it was God whispering his love directly to my wild heart.  The heart that has been broken, beaten, rejected, tossed aside… the part of my heart that feels dangerous and alone… I don’t know if you can understand, but I hope you can.  After meeting the snake I sat in the shade at a picnic table and read for a while (Currently working through Life After Trauma – if you are a survivor I would strongly recommend this book)  Ironically enough, I was spending time alone – while my current excercise in the book was about how trauma affects our ability to be alone and that is something worth reclaiming.  Again, I felt love enter into my soul, as though the timing of this outing and the material I was reading were orchestrated.  After I put away my things I took my trusty camera down a trail… the light by this time was beginning to take on a golden hue and the filtered light coming down to the forest floor turned my world a golden green, like a magical gateway.  I felt like I was being drawn, invited, allured into the heart of my creator… and deeper into my own heart as well.

I turned a corner on the foot-path and happened upon a man with a large camera with a telephoto lens that I must admit a great deal of envy for… he was very still and silent … he was snapping photos of a very large river otter swimming up-stream.  (sad to say I could not get a clear shot of him)  I felt overwhelmed and grateful to witness such a beautiful creature.  The other photographer hiked on and disappeared around another bend in the trail and I was alone at the river side.  I felt overcome and grateful and happy.  I sank to my knees by the bank of the river and bowed my head and just let the feeling of thankfulness wash over and through me.  I let my guard down and allowed myself to feel deeply loved and humbled.  I lost myself in the moment alone in the woods.

After I left the riverside I found a trail that was closed for repairs – so, naturally I took that path!  It was a broken-down board walk going deeper into the silent woods and I loved the thrill of the aloneness and the (mostly imagined) danger.  Now, I am not advocating risky behavior, so let me explain that the board walk was not up off the ground but built directly on top of the ground – so I was not in danger of falling or anything… This broken trail lead me to a lake that was surrounded by a picket fence.  The lake was lush and filled with turtles and minnows.  As I was walking around the lake I was feeling impatient…wanting the next thing… the next wildlife encounter, the next thrill…I was there surrounded by beauty and was seriously tempted to stop and scroll back through the photos of the snake I had already taken.  It was at this moment that I felt like my creator was speaking to my heart… I felt like He was saying to me that this is a problem for me… I often see, hear, experience something wonderful…and I want to stop and stay in that moment.  I think this is natural and occurs with many people.  What I feel in my heart is that this is not what we are meant for.  These wonderful things are not our destination – they are land-marks.  There is nothing wrong with stopping to enjoy a landmark but it is not where you want to build your home.  I too often want to stop or go back to the last blessing, the last break-through, the last revelation, to the last time I felt that I was on the “right” path.  This is foolish thinking… What we are called to and what we are created for is the journey whose final destination is far better than any we can imagine and more beautiful than any landmark we may see along the way.  I felt like God was calling me to His heart in a way that He designed just for me… that is the wonderful thing about the Lover of our Soul… He knows just how to romance you.  How he next romanced me was through the sighting of a Monarch.  I know that these are probably not the most beautiful butterflies in the whole of creation, but for some reason they are very special to me and I have fixated on them for years… I have seen photos and read about them but I had actually never seen one in the wild until this day.  Even though it is a simple, small thing I cannot adequately express how happy it made me and how loved I felt witnessing this beautiful creature.

I walked on and came out of the woods into a flat land dotted with large ponds populated by several birds… I saw Snowy Egrets, Great Herons, Wood Ducks and water fowl that I could not identify… I watched Purple Martins swirl and dive and perform aerial acrobatics I would hardly thought possible – a beautiful aerial display!  As I as walking along one of these ponds  I heard some owls calling to each other in the distance… it was like listening to a conversation… I would hear one off to my left, then a reply very close to me (but out of sight) then another reply off to my left.  Their cries were beautiful and melodious and a bit chilling.

By now the sun-light was all golden and the sky was turning pink and orange with the dying light.  It was then that I saw the first of 3 alligators.  He was swimming along and when he noticed me he first sank low in the water – since I did not want him to disappear – I knelt down by the water’s edge so I would not be taller than the grass growing at the bank.  He seemed just as curious about me as I was about him… he swam up to the bank and stopped about 3 feet out and we just stared at each other for a few minutes.  It was  beautiful and again I felt that wild, dangerous love wash over me.  The lessening light reminded me that I needed to head out and find my way to civilization again.  In one of the last ponds I passed I had one more treat waiting for me… a large alligator was swimming lazily along and I again stopped and knelt and watched as this gator swam close to me too….about 2 feet away this time and we studied each other in the stillness of the growing shadows.

Since I was rapidly running out of light, I reluctantly got up and picked my way down the gravel path back to the woods where cardinals lead my way to the boardwalk.  They were like brilliant red beacons landing in my path and guiding me home.  I wish I could share every fine detail, every nuance of this day with you…I wish I could adequately describe to you the feeling of love that I allowed myself to be swept into on this day.  I also wish I could hold onto this moment forever – but I am now aware that this is a landmark – not a home… so I will record this day for you and for myself and I will look forward with hope to the wonder that is in store for me.