She sat quietly in class

Never hearing a word-

Her mind screaming,

Racing, ravaging her thoughts…

She sat calmly, pen in hand;

Honor student….horror filled

And anguished.

Automatically, she made conversation…

She passed tests

She chatted with friends

And longed to die

To escape this pain…

She sat quietly in church

Longing for salvation

Imprisoned by religion

Preached at by her tormentors

Looking for horns

Disguised as halos.

She sat quietly at home

And smiled at the monsters

While cutting the pain 

Of her soul out of her skin…

Watching the blood ooze and

Drip…with dry eyes

And emotionless face

Hiding the raging terror

In her heart.

She sat quietly in the therapist’s chair

Giving reassurances to the one

Who was supposed to help – 

Praying they see 

Behind her stillness

To the utter turmoil within

Not trusting anyone or anything…

Somehow comforting them

For her pain

And living with the hopelessness

That almost felt like a friend.

She stood quietly in the bathroom…

Staring at her calm face

Unwilling to meet her own gaze,

Unable to keep avoiding the horror…

The pain ravaging her from inside

And without warning-

Almost in slow motion

The avalanche began…

All the silence broke

The tears came in a torrent,

The rage, the pain…

The still, quiet girl is gone

Replaced with a woman

With a face full of anguish

Unable to sit quietly any longer – 

Not willing to still her face

For the comfort of strangers

Haunted and crumbling

Shattered

Shuttering violently with each 

Invasive

Intrusive

Memory.

Stumbling and falling

All along the path

To be whole.