So many unspoken words…
I refuse to let them haunt me.
I don’t know what to say here
I have no comfort to offer…
this pain is overwhelming.
Numbness would be nice.
Category: Poetry
She is fierce – eyes blazing
daring the world
to come closer.
She is confident and untouchable
a Norse goddess
destined for Valhalla.
She is expert at battle strategy
and can defend anyone
defeat any foe.
She rescued me.
She became me
She hates me.
I smile politely at you
and let you assume I agree.
In reality I am fuming
at your words.
I hide behind good manners
never letting you see the discord.
I don’t know you anymore
-don’t think I ever did.
It’s all smoke & mirrors anyway
this thing called friendship.
Calmly I offer you
pieces of my heart,
tenderly chosen-
which you accept
with a smile
then toss away,
crumpled.
Just another piece
of unwanted garbage-
for which you spare
no thought.
In a torrrid sea of faces
and voices
I cling to you.
Fighting violently
I resist the pull
of my old life…
of lies and pretending
of repression and unspoken violence.
I don’t want this anymore.
I crave peace,
unending.
So today I figtht
so that tomorrow
I may heal.
3-20-11
The lioness
stalking
cricling, growling
menacing
biting
tearing, rending
shredding
eating
swallowing up
my soul
and passing
stealthily
into the night.
I will spare only one tear for you. I dare not open the floodgates of my emotion lest the onslaught destroy me in a vortex of fear and self-loathing. You are naught but a ghost. I killed you that day. I watched you die. In desperation, I drove the knife home and I watched you writhe in agony with a bitter smile on my face. I strove to destroy you, dear child…but not without reason. I destroyed you to save you, that perhaps some small remnant of the girl you were could survive, pristine.
I was a fool to attempt this. I will never escape you. You are soiled and ugly. You are a protector of wrong, defender of evil. You cause hurt to come upon others. You have no pity. Stupid child. Pitiful creature. To know you is to loathe you. To despise your very existence. Whore that you are, finding joy in your torture, enlisting the pity of others to aid in your healing. You will never be free. You live only to suffer, die only to rot.
I did not bury you that day. I torment myself with the knowledge of my deed. My failure to eradicate you will haunt me forever. You are the ghost that haunts my dreams. You are the demon who terrorizes my waking hours. You are my hell, my prison I have created and I cannot break free. I hate you, unclean thing that you are. I am locked in here with you-my tormentor.
I shed only one tear for you. You will spend my whole life dyeing. I spare only one tear for you because you will rape my soul forever. You will rape my soul forever.
There’s a song by Blue October that just says it better than I can today…. apart from the line about forgiveness, as I believe forgiveness awaits us if we only ask… enjoy. Click to see it on youtube.
“Razorblade”
In the day by day collision
Called the art of growing up
There’s an innocence we look for in the stars
To be taken back to younger days
When there was no giving up
On the people we held closest to our hearts
Yeah it is you that I remember in that glowing
It is you that took my first away from me
It is you I set my standards to… to every walk of life
I haven’t met another you since you were with me.
[Chorus]
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn’t love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I’ve done
In a way, I failed religion
I spit the wine from mouth to cup
And I reached for something more than just your God
Uncle, you spared not your children
And while your praying hands are up
There’s no forgiveness for you! You sick fuck!
It is you that I remember in their bedroom
It is you that took their first away from them
It is you they set their standards to
You wounded them for life
You were a preacher and suppose to be above men
Sing with me
[Chorus]
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn’t love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I’ve done
An unfathomable sadness
has settled over me
blanket-like.
Its pain sears my chest
like a hot knife,
scarring.
I shrink away from words
and faces – I shrink
to you…
You-awaiting me beyond shadows
waiting in secret
my love.
In need of somewhere to settle
my restless emotions
ceaselessly search.
Longing for understanding
I cry out
(in despair)
I cry out silently and hear
my fears echoing
about me.
In an agonizing torment
I realize I am
alone.
Why this sad loneliness
this dull ache
these tears?
I should rejoice in your love –
instead I weep
I weep.
captivatingbitter 
