Strange how when you hold me tight it doesn’t feel invasive and confining anymore.
Strange how quiet and peaceful I feel with you here with me.
Strange how I look toward the future with hope and not doubt or fear.
Strange how your love has changed me.
I am tired of hiding my heart like it is something to be ashamed of. I am tired of being discarded and disregarded like so much garbage. I am tired of being ignored, of being stepped on, of being hurt over and over again. Don’t judge me! Stop telling me I am not enough! Stop telling me I am not thin enough, not smart enough, not ambitious enough, not diligent enough… stop telling me I don’t work hard enough… stop telling me I don’t feel enough… I feel it all! Stop telling me I am not good enough, stop telling me that I will never be enough! Just stop talking! I don’t have to take this any more! I am enough, I do enough, I feel enough, I am smart, I am beautiful, I am strong! I can do this!
I come to you with my offering
arms full – eyes brimming…
but as I pour out my love
it turns to sand… my tears
to dust… and I realize
I have nothing to offer.
No oil, no myrhh…
I come to you empty-
begging to be filled.
Unbidden, thoughts of you crowd my mind…
I cannot elude your smile,
your voice.
I feel myelf slowly consumed by you
as I seek a more intimate
connection.
I wish to bond to you, to mold myself
completely to your skin, your heart
your spirit.
I seek to lose myself in your wonderment
your love, your passion and
wild goodness.
I want at once to be your child, wife,
mother, lover, teacher and
devotee.
I want to worship at your alter in a
pagan ritual of lust and sex
and blood.
I approach idolatry in my
devotion to you. May God
forgive me.
I fear I cannot escape this – but more
still – I fear I shall choose
to abide.
I can feel you slipping away from me
feel your warmth fade to nothing…
please don’t leave me here.
I cannot bear this.
So many unspoken words…
I refuse to let them haunt me.
I don’t know what to say here
I have no comfort to offer…
this pain is overwhelming.
Numbness would be nice.
I felt the temptation to cut again yesterday stronger than I have in years. It’s so frustrating… I thought I was past this… Some days the pain is just too much and I want some relief. The thought of a sharp blade was so comforting and alluring…like a siren’s song. I don’t want to go down this path again. I decide my future, and my future is not drowned in numbness-walking through life like a zombie. I want to feel and be alive and real. I want a life of honestly dealing with my emotions not running from them to booze or blade or drugs or sex or danger. I want to breathe in every second of this precious life – even the parts that are painful or frustrating. I want to be alive. Please, God, help me…
She is fierce – eyes blazing
daring the world
to come closer.
She is confident and untouchable
a Norse goddess
destined for Valhalla.
She is expert at battle strategy
and can defend anyone
defeat any foe.
She rescued me.
She became me
She hates me.
I smile politely at you
and let you assume I agree.
In reality I am fuming
at your words.
I hide behind good manners
never letting you see the discord.
I don’t know you anymore
-don’t think I ever did.
It’s all smoke & mirrors anyway
this thing called friendship.
Calmly I offer you
pieces of my heart,
tenderly chosen-
which you accept
with a smile
then toss away,
crumpled.
Just another piece
of unwanted garbage-
for which you spare
no thought.
captivatingbitter 