…so tired of feeling like I can never tell the truth…
…so tired of holding back most of what I think and feel…
…so tired of protecting everyone from myself…
Please let me be free.
Please love me for who I am, not who you expect me to be.
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I can feel the truth just beneath the surface of all my conversations. It waits there, lurks… longs to be released. This truth is a powerful, angry thing… all muscle and sinew… all teeth and scales – like a great dragon – pacing and gnashing its teeth. I could destroy you with my truth. I feel the power of it and know that it would pierce your armor (even if you do not show it). My truth lies in wait… languid and appearing lazy below these calm waters… beautiful and deadly… waiting to pull you to your death.
I have had it caged so long I have forgotten how to let it out from time to time… I fear it will break free from its prison – that it will escape and destroy you before I can contain it.
My husband has coined the phrase wild goodness to describe things that are good in a major way… sometimes even in a dangerous way… like a walk in a storm, sex on the beach in the middle of the day, a large sum of unexpected money… something that touches you on a primal level and speaks to the goodness and wildness that is God’s love for us. We try so hard to fit God into a box, to make him fit within parameters that are comfortable to us and when He doesn’t fit we get discouraged, frustrated and afraid. I know I do. I want God to be predictable and stable and quiet and unobtrusive; but I am glad He is not those things. Deep down, I am glad He is wild and dangerous and good in ways that are beyond my comprehension. I am glad He is a God of Passion, a God of fierceness, a God of untold beauty and strength… a God of storms and sex and roller-coasters… a God of music and art… of lovers and warriors and dancers… a God of grace and peace… I want to live a life of wild goodness… of abandon. God help me to see You as You are.
I hear the rumbling in the distance and it calls to me…
Secrets whisper, then shout to be heard
Wind caresses – then punishes…
So turbulent… so peaceful.
I long to enter the storm and disappear.
I’m not ok, I’m not ok, I’m not ok… all I can think is I am so broken and ruined and worthless.. Life isn’t supposed to be this way. I am in so much pain. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, how to feel. I think I am going crazy! I can’t get my thoughts together. Please help me…
Strange how when you hold me tight it doesn’t feel invasive and confining anymore.
Strange how quiet and peaceful I feel with you here with me.
Strange how I look toward the future with hope and not doubt or fear.
Strange how your love has changed me.
I am tired of hiding my heart like it is something to be ashamed of. I am tired of being discarded and disregarded like so much garbage. I am tired of being ignored, of being stepped on, of being hurt over and over again. Don’t judge me! Stop telling me I am not enough! Stop telling me I am not thin enough, not smart enough, not ambitious enough, not diligent enough… stop telling me I don’t work hard enough… stop telling me I don’t feel enough… I feel it all! Stop telling me I am not good enough, stop telling me that I will never be enough! Just stop talking! I don’t have to take this any more! I am enough, I do enough, I feel enough, I am smart, I am beautiful, I am strong! I can do this!
I come to you with my offering
arms full – eyes brimming…
but as I pour out my love
it turns to sand… my tears
to dust… and I realize
I have nothing to offer.
No oil, no myrhh…
I come to you empty-
begging to be filled.
Unbidden, thoughts of you crowd my mind…
I cannot elude your smile,
your voice.
I feel myelf slowly consumed by you
as I seek a more intimate
connection.
I wish to bond to you, to mold myself
completely to your skin, your heart
your spirit.
I seek to lose myself in your wonderment
your love, your passion and
wild goodness.
I want at once to be your child, wife,
mother, lover, teacher and
devotee.
I want to worship at your alter in a
pagan ritual of lust and sex
and blood.
I approach idolatry in my
devotion to you. May God
forgive me.
I fear I cannot escape this – but more
still – I fear I shall choose
to abide.
I can feel you slipping away from me
feel your warmth fade to nothing…
please don’t leave me here.
I cannot bear this.
captivatingbitter 