My heart is racing… half fear, half excitement. I am on the cusp of a decision that will change our lives and I feel the weight of that. I feel the wonder of that… I feel so much. For the last few weeks I have been drenched in feelings. I am alive with them, I am overwhelmed and entranced by them. I have gone my whole life quenching every emotion… I have carefully controlled my facial expression because to live in my emotions and to let them clearly show on my face and body language felt so dangerous to me… felt suicidal. I lived so much of my life just … just surviving… not REALLY living. I have just waited for death, waited for it all to end. Now pure energy is coursing through my veins in the form of every emotion I have not allowed myself to feel in over 30 years. I am dreaming… I am hoping… I am not worried about every thing I do, I a not afraid to make mistakes any more. So I am going to go with my heart…. This huge decision – this is going to be all heart… Now I just have to figure out what my heart wants.
Latest Entries »
I realized that I was spiraling down … well on my way to depression. I have not done any of my fun hobbies in the last week… I have not practiced the guitar, I have not read, I have not journaled, hiked, taken photos, sketched… I have just been a lump…
I will not let this depression beat me… I will do all the things I love. I will cook… tomorrow I will get out and see something beautiful. I will play guitar… I will live. I have spent enough of my life just surviving. I will break this cycle and live… I will be in my heart… I will live in my feelings…even if that means I spend my days in or near tears… All of my feelings are vital and important… I don’t have to apologize for them anymore.
Heat erupts, consuming…
Raw, dangerous…
Quickening, desperate, gasping…
I ache…craving…
And only you can satisfy.
I think of you a hundred times a day. I think of things to say… thoughts float through my mind and with tears on my cheeks I discard conversation after conversation. I am… adrift. You wander through my mind… your smile, the sound of your voice, the brown of your eyes, the feel of your skin… You occupy my heart.
What is enough? I am always feeling like I am not enough, like I do not have enough to offer… like I am not good enough, like I don’t work hard enough, like I don’t do enough… What is enough? Is it just this ever changing goal line that I can never reach…?? Who decides what ‘enough’ is, anyway?
I have been fighting my tendency to hide from my emotions… I have been fighting to stay in my feelings and stop hiding from them. I have hidden from my heart for so long… I have felt like a chameleon. I have tried to give everyone around me what I thought they wanted… in doing this I have failed to just be myself. I have learned and am still learning that what the people who love me really want from me is for me to just be myself. How can anyone love me if I never give them a chance to know me? What do I do if I never figure out who I am? I am so afraid of this… I feel like I have spent my whole life running away from who I am…I have spent my whole life hiding… I have spent my whole life afraid. I feel like I lost this fight today…. Today I hid in TV… I hid in food.. I hid in entertainment… I buried my feelings and totally failed to sit in my skin. I was all alone and there was no one to please but myself…and I still hid and ran away from my pain, my fear… I sat in numbness… I desperately hope (and plan) to win more battles in the future… I know this one failure is not me losing the war. I can do this. I passionately love… I passionately fear… I am passionately angry and I want to fight injustice. I did not do anything to deserve the abuse and pain I endured – but I do have control and responsibility in how I react to that abuse and pain now. No more running away! I will FIGHT! I am beautiful, I am fierce, I am worthy, I am loved.
I feel so much… My heart quakes within me. I feel so overwhelmed and afraid…I feel so sad and angry… I feel so much love and longing… I feel like I am going to either explode or fall apart… I feel like I am never going to stop crying… but then I will suddenly feel like laughing… I feel like yelling, raging, tearing things…I feel like screaming… I feel so very lost.
I foolishly assumed I would be good at marriage… I thought – through no fault or effort of my own – I would naturally be a good wife. I was so wrong. I have been so lost. I have been broken. I have been arrogant. I have failed so often I sometimes wonder why I try… I have believed lies… I have believed that I was helpless… I have believed that I did not have a choice in how I acted… no choice in how I gave/received love…. I have been so lost… I have been lazy and uncaring. I have been self absorbed. I have been numb. I have been just about the worst wife I could be. I have made my husband feel unseen, unheard, unloved… He has felt abandoned by me… He has felt unlovable and unlovely. I am so lost…
captivatingbitter 