Heat erupts, consuming…
Raw, dangerous…
Quickening, desperate, gasping…
I ache…craving…
And only you can satisfy.
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I think of you a hundred times a day. I think of things to say… thoughts float through my mind and with tears on my cheeks I discard conversation after conversation. I am… adrift. You wander through my mind… your smile, the sound of your voice, the brown of your eyes, the feel of your skin… You occupy my heart.
What is enough? I am always feeling like I am not enough, like I do not have enough to offer… like I am not good enough, like I don’t work hard enough, like I don’t do enough… What is enough? Is it just this ever changing goal line that I can never reach…?? Who decides what ‘enough’ is, anyway?
I have been fighting my tendency to hide from my emotions… I have been fighting to stay in my feelings and stop hiding from them. I have hidden from my heart for so long… I have felt like a chameleon. I have tried to give everyone around me what I thought they wanted… in doing this I have failed to just be myself. I have learned and am still learning that what the people who love me really want from me is for me to just be myself. How can anyone love me if I never give them a chance to know me? What do I do if I never figure out who I am? I am so afraid of this… I feel like I have spent my whole life running away from who I am…I have spent my whole life hiding… I have spent my whole life afraid. I feel like I lost this fight today…. Today I hid in TV… I hid in food.. I hid in entertainment… I buried my feelings and totally failed to sit in my skin. I was all alone and there was no one to please but myself…and I still hid and ran away from my pain, my fear… I sat in numbness… I desperately hope (and plan) to win more battles in the future… I know this one failure is not me losing the war. I can do this. I passionately love… I passionately fear… I am passionately angry and I want to fight injustice. I did not do anything to deserve the abuse and pain I endured – but I do have control and responsibility in how I react to that abuse and pain now. No more running away! I will FIGHT! I am beautiful, I am fierce, I am worthy, I am loved.
I feel so much… My heart quakes within me. I feel so overwhelmed and afraid…I feel so sad and angry… I feel so much love and longing… I feel like I am going to either explode or fall apart… I feel like I am never going to stop crying… but then I will suddenly feel like laughing… I feel like yelling, raging, tearing things…I feel like screaming… I feel so very lost.
I foolishly assumed I would be good at marriage… I thought – through no fault or effort of my own – I would naturally be a good wife. I was so wrong. I have been so lost. I have been broken. I have been arrogant. I have failed so often I sometimes wonder why I try… I have believed lies… I have believed that I was helpless… I have believed that I did not have a choice in how I acted… no choice in how I gave/received love…. I have been so lost… I have been lazy and uncaring. I have been self absorbed. I have been numb. I have been just about the worst wife I could be. I have made my husband feel unseen, unheard, unloved… He has felt abandoned by me… He has felt unlovable and unlovely. I am so lost…
Do you ever have one of those times when it seems like the world is getting darker and darker and you can scarcely breathe? Do you ever feel like the universe is against you and you start to believe that there is no way out except death? I am so scared right now. So scared and feeling desperate.
I hate those nights when the fear creeps up on you… when you are settling in to sleep and suddenly you find your chest tightening and your thoughts racing… when you find your breath catching and you can’t get enough air into your lungs. 
captivatingbitter 