Fear blossoms in my chest
a familiar rose – black instead of red.
Each petal a knife.
I cannot shake this chill
this fingernails on a chalkboard
vibration in my bones.
I feel the knife twist deeper and
cannot even bring myself
to gasp in pain.
I am beyond surprise;
beyond shock. I am simply
accustomed.
Your eyes smile as you lick my
blood from your blade
holding your knife in one hand
and your bible in another.
Scribe, pharisee, hypocrite!
Who has warned you to flee from the wrath to come?
I watch your Judas lips drip poison
and I smile in polite fascination
pretending to agree.
I nod in the right places,
I make eye contact, I hope
my disgust is well hidden.
I can’t seem to follow this thread
this back and forth
this friendly banter.
I am not sure how this is
supposed to work… this friendship
this conversation.
I am lost in a sea of political correctness
and cannot convey the thoughts
simmering beneath my surface.
I allow you to lie in my face
and thank you for your
endless unabashed betrayals.
I don’t know why I protect
you from me. I owe
you nothing. Nothing!
Yet you take from me…
day after day you diminish me –
rendering me irrelevant.
I will not die here – buried
under the avalanche of
your words…your indifference.
I will shake this off and
find re-birth in the flame
of your disapproval.
Fall always makes me think of home. I have so many good memories of this season… bonfires, roasting marshmallows, the smell of hay and sweet-feed in the barn mingled in with the smell of fresh milk after milking our cow…cool mornings being up before sunrise and looking up at the stars while tending to the animals… long evenings filled with family and music outside with lots of food and laughter and noise. These are the things I miss about my family…my old home. When I think of those cool nights when I would sneak out of the house and go for a walk by moon-light and listen to the call of the whippoorwills, I can’t remember why I was so unhappy there. It’s like these good memories crowd out all the bad ones and I feel stupid for being so miserable. Then I think about all the abuse, all the pain, the feeling that I was unseen, the feeling that I was property meant to serve a purpose in my home… and I remember. I remember how alone I always felt. I remember having to act like a pretty little happy robot just to survive. I remember how no negative emotion was allowed to show in my home. I remember being treated like a servant and not a daughter. I remember being screamed at and berated… I remember. Looking back all the things I loved most about my child-hood had nothing to do with the people and everything to do with the season, the activities, the animals, the sky… and I am determined to recapture that in my adulthood. I am determined to stop… to look around… to enjoy this beautiful world and to recapture my youth.
I’m not ok, I’m not ok, I’m not ok… all I can think is I am so broken and ruined and worthless.. Life isn’t supposed to be this way. I am in so much pain. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, how to feel. I think I am going crazy! I can’t get my thoughts together. Please help me…
So many unspoken words…
I refuse to let them haunt me.
I don’t know what to say here
I have no comfort to offer…
this pain is overwhelming.
Numbness would be nice.
I felt the temptation to cut again yesterday stronger than I have in years. It’s so frustrating… I thought I was past this… Some days the pain is just too much and I want some relief. The thought of a sharp blade was so comforting and alluring…like a siren’s song. I don’t want to go down this path again. I decide my future, and my future is not drowned in numbness-walking through life like a zombie. I want to feel and be alive and real. I want a life of honestly dealing with my emotions not running from them to booze or blade or drugs or sex or danger. I want to breathe in every second of this precious life – even the parts that are painful or frustrating. I want to be alive. Please, God, help me…
She is fierce – eyes blazing
daring the world
to come closer.
She is confident and untouchable
a Norse goddess
destined for Valhalla.
She is expert at battle strategy
and can defend anyone
defeat any foe.
She rescued me.
She became me
She hates me.
Calmly I offer you
pieces of my heart,
tenderly chosen-
which you accept
with a smile
then toss away,
crumpled.
Just another piece
of unwanted garbage-
for which you spare
no thought.
I wish I could snap my fingers and get over this… I wish the world would suddenly make sense. I am haunted by ghosts of my past. Just when I think I am making progress they pop up and frighten me again. I am in the Minotar’s Labrynth stalked by something terrible and unseen. In Medusa’s Lair… with the whispers and hisses at my back that vanish when I turn my head. Constantly seeking a foe I cannot see. How can I possibly defeat my enemy and escape? I fear I will not survive this.
In a torrrid sea of faces
and voices
I cling to you.
Fighting violently
I resist the pull
of my old life…
of lies and pretending
of repression and unspoken violence.
I don’t want this anymore.
I crave peace,
unending.
So today I figtht
so that tomorrow
I may heal.
3-20-11
captivatingbitter 