Tag Archive: broken



Thank you so much SwittersB for nominating me for One Lovely Blog Award.  You are so kind!

The Rules for the Award are as follows

1.  You must thank the person that nominated you

2.  You must list the rules and display the award

3. You must list 7 facts about yourself

4.  You must nominate 10 others

5.  You must display award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you

I cannot tell you how honored and humbled I have been by my readers… It is an amazing feeling to have such love and concern come my way from so many sources… Growing up in a home where kindness and compassion were so rarely displayed I still find myself surprised daily by the kindness shown to me by virtual strangers.

Seven facts about myself:

1.  Without my husband’s constant prayer, encouragement and love I would not have dared to write this blog at all – it was because of his insistence that I deserved a space all my own to express my heart and mind that I started on this journey.

2.  Photography as a form of art therapy has been one of the most important and effective methods by which my heart has begun to heal.

3.  I am a dirt-loving, weed-pulling daylily nursery owner and I spend several hours a week working in my flower beds and welcoming the endless distraction of new blooms, buzzing bees, butterflies and hummingbirds — not to mention the occasional wild baby rabbit who will eye me from under some foliage.

4.  I did not play with Legos until my late (very late :)) twenties… now I have 4 Lego sets – 3 of which are scenes from Harry Potter and I would much rather display them in my China Hutch than actual China… I love whimsy and playing games and my husband and I spend many an evening over a board game or playing poker with mini chocolate bars as the currency.

5.  I have the widest taste in music of anyone I know… right now my collection contains artists varying from Benedictine Monks (which I am listening to at this moment) to Weird Al, to Creed, System of a Down, Crash Test Dummies, John Anderson, John Denver, Journey, Bon Jovi, Goo Goo Dolls, Rainforest Tribal Chants, Jim Croche, Jewel, Delerious?, Johna33, Michael W Smith…the list goes on….  I think ‘eclectic’ is the operative word here.

6.  I am easily distracted… think Dug from the movie UP and his collar that allowed him to “Squirrel!!” talk to people…  This is me, although my husband would likely argue my attention span is even shorter…

7.  Maggots are my kryptonite… I can handle snakes, spiders, beetles, bugs, all manner of reptiles and amphibians – but if I am encountered by a maggot I cannot handle it…. it’s quite pathetic…but I will hug a snake any day of the week – I have even been bitten  by them and know, logically, that they are more dangerous if not treated with proper respect…but this tiny insect larvae will leave me near tears and frozen in terror….

I have been enjoying so many blogs lately…but the blogs I would especially like to nominate are as follows:

The Broken Light Collective

Book of Bokeh

Wild Goodness

Reveling in the Overflowing Grace of God

Simple Pleasures

Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse

Blooming Lotus

Living Shadows

A Victims Journal

Mum..How Much Longer?

My Levels of Not Okayness


I’ve been thinking a lot about Dante’s Divine Comedy…specifically his Inferno and I have decide I have 7 levels of my not-okay-ness…I know this is not grammatically correct 🙂 But it’s the best way I can explain it…  Here’s how it goes…  In this scenario I knock my contact solution off the sink edge due to my infinite clumsiness…

Level One: I have no reaction… I just pick it up and put it back.

Level Two: I take a deep breath, sigh, then put it back.

Level Three: I take  a deep breath, huff, blow, slam it back down.

Level Four: I growl at the contact solution, pick it up, slam it down, huff, mumble and clench my fists…then take a deep breath…

Level Five:  I growl, glare at the contact solution, leave it there, huff, sigh, take a moment to calm myself down and take a deep breath.

Level Six: I yell at the contact solution, I glare at it, I kick it across the room, yell at it some more and pick it up and slam it down.

Level Seven: I yell at the contact solution, sink, mirror and any inanimate object around, I pick up the contact solution and throw it against the mirror, I cry, I pick it up and throw it again.

Does anyone else have days like this filled with irrational emotional craziness?  I hate this rage…this overly emotional out of control feeling….I certainly don’t want to  go through life feeling like this… How do I get a handle on it?

I Hate Anxiety!


I know no one really like anxiety, but I hate the way I feel right now!  My heart is pounding, I am having trouble breathing I cannot think straight… I hate this!!!  I want to scream right now.  I hate this feeling of fear – terror really.  I hate feeling trapped inside my own skin.  I hate the swarm of bees buzzing in my chest, the tightness in my lungs, the crawling in my skin the jangling nerves.  I hate that I feel so helpless to this feeling.  I hate this!  I feel crazy and I feel desperate and I would almost do anything to make it go away….

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Weathered


Weathered

I spent the day at the beach a few weeks ago… I am often drawn to the broken, the weathered, the things textured and made beautiful by time, wind, sand, rain… I feel connected to the beautiful and broken.

Stained


Stained

Taken at Savannah Lock and Dam Park… I took this picture to capture the way I feel… stained, tainted, broken, polluted…but still strong – and worthy of redemption. Somehow strong and beautiful in spite of the damage.

Toxic Parents


I am reading this book by Susan Forward called Toxic Parents (Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life).  I am really enjoying it so far.  I can see a little of my family in each chapter.  I grew up alternately feeling invisible and feeling conspicuous. There was a part of me that longed to be seen, to be known and accepted… yet – there was another part of me that waned to hide, that wanted to blend into the background as to avoid pain.  It was a mass of confusion.   Having on the one hand parents who gave us gifts and spent time with us and took us on vacations… and on the other hand those same parents systematically broke us into pieces.  My father would call me beautiful, then accuse me of being vain in virtually the same breath.  My mother just stood by and did what-ever he wanted.  My father would get angry with us and whip us and my mother would have us go apologize to the man.   I never did understand what my crime was.  All these years later I still feel pulled apart by it all.  Will I ever be whole?