I hear the rumbling in the distance and it calls to me…
Secrets whisper, then shout to be heard
Wind caresses – then punishes…
So turbulent… so peaceful.
I long to enter the storm and disappear.
Tag Archive: fear
I’m not ok, I’m not ok, I’m not ok… all I can think is I am so broken and ruined and worthless.. Life isn’t supposed to be this way. I am in so much pain. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, how to feel. I think I am going crazy! I can’t get my thoughts together. Please help me…
I come to you with my offering
arms full – eyes brimming…
but as I pour out my love
it turns to sand… my tears
to dust… and I realize
I have nothing to offer.
No oil, no myrhh…
I come to you empty-
begging to be filled.
Unbidden, thoughts of you crowd my mind…
I cannot elude your smile,
your voice.
I feel myelf slowly consumed by you
as I seek a more intimate
connection.
I wish to bond to you, to mold myself
completely to your skin, your heart
your spirit.
I seek to lose myself in your wonderment
your love, your passion and
wild goodness.
I want at once to be your child, wife,
mother, lover, teacher and
devotee.
I want to worship at your alter in a
pagan ritual of lust and sex
and blood.
I approach idolatry in my
devotion to you. May God
forgive me.
I fear I cannot escape this – but more
still – I fear I shall choose
to abide.
I can feel you slipping away from me
feel your warmth fade to nothing…
please don’t leave me here.
I cannot bear this.
She is fierce – eyes blazing
daring the world
to come closer.
She is confident and untouchable
a Norse goddess
destined for Valhalla.
She is expert at battle strategy
and can defend anyone
defeat any foe.
She rescued me.
She became me
She hates me.
Calmly I offer you
pieces of my heart,
tenderly chosen-
which you accept
with a smile
then toss away,
crumpled.
Just another piece
of unwanted garbage-
for which you spare
no thought.
I used to be a self-mutilator. I don’t know why that is so hard for me to admit to when I have no problem talking openly about my abuse… it seems silly to me that I can tell someone that I was abused and raped but ignore the effects it had on me. I had over 60 scars on my body from cutting at one time… many of which are completely healed over. I cut for many reasons… mostly to escape the pain that tormented me daily… sometimes to escape the utter numbness that was the only alternative I had to the pain.
Now I seek a healthier alternative… I allow myself to feel the pain and to process the anger. I allow myself to be broken and in that find surcease. I look at my scars now and do not feel shamed by them, rather, I feel honored. Honored that I survived this and I can survive still.
I wish I could snap my fingers and get over this… I wish the world would suddenly make sense. I am haunted by ghosts of my past. Just when I think I am making progress they pop up and frighten me again. I am in the Minotar’s Labrynth stalked by something terrible and unseen. In Medusa’s Lair… with the whispers and hisses at my back that vanish when I turn my head. Constantly seeking a foe I cannot see. How can I possibly defeat my enemy and escape? I fear I will not survive this.
In a torrrid sea of faces
and voices
I cling to you.
Fighting violently
I resist the pull
of my old life…
of lies and pretending
of repression and unspoken violence.
I don’t want this anymore.
I crave peace,
unending.
So today I figtht
so that tomorrow
I may heal.
3-20-11
captivatingbitter 