Tag Archive: metamorphosis


Two-faced me


I smile politely at you

and let you assume I agree.

In reality I am fuming

at your words.

I hide behind good manners

never letting you see the discord.

I don’t know you anymore

-don’t think I ever did.

It’s all smoke & mirrors anyway

this thing called friendship.

Thoughts on Honesty


  

    There’s so much I don’t understand.   I long to life a life of transparent honesty, but that’s just not practical in our superficial polite society.  It’s all about what’s easy and politically correct instead of what’s real.  When someone ask, “How are you doing?” they expect a positive answer.  If you tell them the truth they are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say.  No one knows what to do with the pain.   As a culture we are not given any tools with which to deal with pain – there’s no etiquette for this.  There’s no precedence for this transparency.  This seems universally true – in work, play, school, church… there’s no room for pain.  No one really wants to know about your pain and no one wants to honestly share their pain.  Everyone wants to pretend to be ok – well-adjusted – happy – but most of us are dealing with some kind of brokenness, some kind of pain, even if we don’t quite have a name for it. 

   How do we break this habit?  Is that even possible?  Will we always be a society of isolation?  We have more methods of connecting now more than ever before – yet we have never been more alone.  All communication have become trivial and the art of sharing reality has been lost.  Gone are the days of love letters… we are in an era of romance via hallmark.  We depend on someone else to communicate our affections or not at all.  If a card or e-mail forward does not contain the feeling we wish to convey we founder – having no words of our own.  Why?  Because we are a society of observers… always watching, reading, listening – not thinking, feeling, sharing.  We surround ourselves with media in lieu of nature, we seek triviality rather than solitude – we spend our energy on status rather than investing it in another.

    Where does this leave us?  It leaves us all lost and lonely.  It leaves us in a home crowded by TV, radio, internet, video games – where two lonely people live who have forgotten how to share what is most important – themselves.

Longing


There’s so much I don’t understand about the healing process. I feel so lost and confused sometimes. I just want to feel whole again… I just want to be me again, whoever that is… For the first time in a long time I long to be whole, I want it so bad I can taste it. I am tired of lingering in the shadows hoping that everything will be ok. I am tired of settling for being broken. I am tired of being resigned to living this half-life where I never expect my life to be any better than it is. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be free. I deserve to feel strong and beautiful. I am done apologizing my way through life. I am done keeping my head down and staying out of everyone’s way. I am done being beaten down and just accepting that that is my fate. I want to live. I want to thrive. I want to twirl in the sunshine with my arms flung out and my head tilted back with the wind in my hair and a laugh on my lips. I want to dance in my livingroom unashamed. I want to play and have fun. I want to revel in every day miracles. I want to blow the seeds off dandelions and make wishes. I want to spoil myself and not feel guilty. I want to pursue health and not fear. I want to be embraced and enjoyed. I want to be safe again. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to allow my husband to love me. I want to give myself permission to be vulnerable and let down my guard. I want to be vibrant and passionate and ALIVE. I want freedom from this pain, this fear that holds me back… I want to more than conquer it I want to stomp it into the ground and take away its power over me. I want to shake off this weight from my shoulders and sing to the sky. I will be happy one day. I will overcome this.

Prayer?


I fall to my knees before you

-Crumple down…

Begging for comfort – not daring to accept your touch.

I cry for you:

In fear.

In pain.

I plead for release

-for solace.

Just let me die here

          that I might be reborn

…..metamorph

…..spread my wings

And fly away.