I feel so broken and bleeding… I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t get anything right. I feel like a mess…like everything I do wrong is magnified and the things I get right are inconsequential…I feel like everything that breaks or goes wrong around me is my fault and if I were only better they would be ok… I feel like a freak, a failure. Why would any-one want me? I am a disaster.
Tag Archive: pain
…so tired of feeling like I can never tell the truth…
…so tired of holding back most of what I think and feel…
…so tired of protecting everyone from myself…
Please let me be free.
Please love me for who I am, not who you expect me to be.
I can feel the truth just beneath the surface of all my conversations. It waits there, lurks… longs to be released. This truth is a powerful, angry thing… all muscle and sinew… all teeth and scales – like a great dragon – pacing and gnashing its teeth. I could destroy you with my truth. I feel the power of it and know that it would pierce your armor (even if you do not show it). My truth lies in wait… languid and appearing lazy below these calm waters… beautiful and deadly… waiting to pull you to your death.
I have had it caged so long I have forgotten how to let it out from time to time… I fear it will break free from its prison – that it will escape and destroy you before I can contain it.
I’m not ok, I’m not ok, I’m not ok… all I can think is I am so broken and ruined and worthless.. Life isn’t supposed to be this way. I am in so much pain. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, how to feel. I think I am going crazy! I can’t get my thoughts together. Please help me…
I am tired of hiding my heart like it is something to be ashamed of. I am tired of being discarded and disregarded like so much garbage. I am tired of being ignored, of being stepped on, of being hurt over and over again. Don’t judge me! Stop telling me I am not enough! Stop telling me I am not thin enough, not smart enough, not ambitious enough, not diligent enough… stop telling me I don’t work hard enough… stop telling me I don’t feel enough… I feel it all! Stop telling me I am not good enough, stop telling me that I will never be enough! Just stop talking! I don’t have to take this any more! I am enough, I do enough, I feel enough, I am smart, I am beautiful, I am strong! I can do this!
I can feel you slipping away from me
feel your warmth fade to nothing…
please don’t leave me here.
I cannot bear this.
I felt the temptation to cut again yesterday stronger than I have in years. It’s so frustrating… I thought I was past this… Some days the pain is just too much and I want some relief. The thought of a sharp blade was so comforting and alluring…like a siren’s song. I don’t want to go down this path again. I decide my future, and my future is not drowned in numbness-walking through life like a zombie. I want to feel and be alive and real. I want a life of honestly dealing with my emotions not running from them to booze or blade or drugs or sex or danger. I want to breathe in every second of this precious life – even the parts that are painful or frustrating. I want to be alive. Please, God, help me…
She is fierce – eyes blazing
daring the world
to come closer.
She is confident and untouchable
a Norse goddess
destined for Valhalla.
She is expert at battle strategy
and can defend anyone
defeat any foe.
She rescued me.
She became me
She hates me.
I smile politely at you
and let you assume I agree.
In reality I am fuming
at your words.
I hide behind good manners
never letting you see the discord.
I don’t know you anymore
-don’t think I ever did.
It’s all smoke & mirrors anyway
this thing called friendship.
Calmly I offer you
pieces of my heart,
tenderly chosen-
which you accept
with a smile
then toss away,
crumpled.
Just another piece
of unwanted garbage-
for which you spare
no thought.
captivatingbitter 