Excerpt from The Courage to Heal pg xxiv ~” Time will dull the pain, but deep healing doesn’t happen uness you consciously choose it”~

John Eldridge says in his book Wild at Heart that “A wound unfelt is a wound unhealed.”  So I have to ask myself – how do I feel?  How has living with this abuse made me feel…?  Following along in the first chapter of Courage I have journaled the following:

How abuse affected my self esteem: 

I feel…..

  • Bad, dirty, ashamed
  • Like there’s something wrong with me
  • Like if people really knew me they would leave me
  • Like I hate myself
  • Immobilized by fear/can’t get motivated
  • Unable to protect myself
  • Self destructive

I don’t know how to….

  • Identify my own needs
  • Feel good
  • Nurture myself
  • Trust myself
  • Recognize my own interests/talents/goals (my heart)

I feel like I can’t accomplish what I set out to do

I feel like I can’t move on with my life.

I feel compelled to be perfect

I feel like I am missing large parts of my childhood…

How this abuse has affected my body:

I have a hard time:

  • Appreciating and accepting my body
  • Feeling at home in my own skin
  • Being fully present in my body
  • experiencing a full rang of feelings in my body.
  • experiencing my body as a unified whole.

I have:

  • Hurt myself ~abused my body
  • Used alcohol and drugs
  • Had an eating disorder
  • Had a physical illness connected to my abuse
  • Felt as though I sometimes leave my body.

Sometimes I:

  • Am not always aware of the messages my body gives me (hunger, fear, tiredness…)
  • Mistrust my body
  • Feel numb or disconnected from physical sensations
  • Startle easily and have a hard time calming down
  • Am unable to relax and feel physically safe.

Relating to intimacy – Sometimes I:

  • Find it difficult to: trust people, make close friends, create/maintain healthy relationships, give or receive nurturing, be affectionate, say no/set appropriate boundaries.
  • I feel I don’t deserve love
  • I am afraid of people
  • I feel alienated/isolated
  • I rarely feel connected to self/others
  • I don’t know how to trust
  • I feel betrayed and taken advantage of
  • I shut down, get nervous, panic when people get too close
  • I cling to people I care about
  • I expect people to leave me.

It is hard to take an honest look at my life – to survey the damage like I am taking inventory.  I don’t exactly know how to feel about all of this…mosty I look over the different aspects of my life and kind of nod to myself and think…”Well this explains a lot.”

Please bear with me dear readers.  I am by far not through this journey yet.

Peace be with you.