It is hard for me when I think about how Eddie’s abuse affected me.  I hate that his actions have had such an influence over my life.  It has tainted how I view people.  It has made it nearly impossible to trust anyone – even myself.  I feel isolated much of the time – afraid that if people really knew me they wouldn’t want anything to do with me.  Because of what Eddie did I feel dirty and broken inside and that is not fair.  I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop – waiting to be abandoned and forgotten.  I grew up feeling invisible – I became the perfect chameleon, it’s how I survived.

I am still affected by his abuse today – I am so broken and so afraid.  I cannot function in a healthy relationship without constant guidance and reassurance.  I am afraid to have sex because I dont’ want my marriage tainted by Eddie’s touches.  I don’t want to think of his hands touching me when I should be enjoying my husband’s caress.  Because of the abuse I suffered as a child I feel powerless and tainted and worthless.  My life is still affected in so many areas.  I struggle in my marriage because I am unable to accept and trust love and affection.  I am affected in my job because I struggle to find my voice.  I am affected in my relationship with my family because I am still so afraid of them and I still feel crazy around them – crazy and so small.

One strength I developed because of the abuse is empathy.  I truly have a heart for the suffering.  I have a strongly developed sixth sense about people and their intentions.  It has helped me survive.  I developed a tender and caring heart and a strong desire to fight for the weak.  I developed and artistic eye and a desire to make the world beautiful.  I developed a rich imagination and a poet’s heart.  I escaped into words, books and dreams.  I found a way to wring pleasure out of almost any small thing – whether it is a gift or just the sight of a butterfly.  I am a strong woman.  I had to be to survive my childhood.  I locked myself away inside the warehouse of my mind and kept myself save in there between the dusty shelves.  If I survived this I can do anything.  I WILL make it out of this.  I WILL get better.  I will heal.  I am worth fighting for.  I can do this.

 

Father, I thank you for the strength You gave me to overcome my past.  I invite you into my heart, into my healing, into my broken places and into my marriage.  Come, Jesus.   Make the broken whole again…