captivatingbitter

I find it so hard to stay in my heart – to stay in my feelings… My default setting seems to be numb.  I feel so awkward most of the time.  I feel so much – but it is buried so deep I appear vacant.  My heart hurts.   I am so tired and so broken.  I carry this horrible weight that threatens to suffocate me at times.  I feel at war.  At war with my pain, at war with my heart, at war with the terrible pull of numbness, addiction, alcohol…. at war with my faith and my anger… at war with my passion and my passivity.  I can feel in one moment like a giant, like a force to be reckoned with and in the next moment I feel like I am not even real and I give in to my despair.  I fear I will drown in it.  I know I am all over the place and this may not even make any sense… but there you are.  Pieces of me.  Broken, fearful, lost, anguished, angry, confused, passionate, apathetic… My heart is a patchwork of pain and pleasure….but honestly, mostly pain.  I ache.  I feel heavy with the weight of my broken heart…