I don’t know how to navigate this… How do I prepare myself for pain? How do I mourn what I have not yet lost? I can feel the emptiness threaten me already and I don’t know how to prepare myself for this agonizing ache… this absence of you… I keep trying to tell myself that I am ready for this, that this is inevitable and that I should stop mourning…that I should just be ok… Move on… I want to close my heart and stop feeling this way. I have been through enough. I have done enough. I have mourned enough. I am tired… so very tired… Can I just quit now? Please? I don’t want to keep putting my heart through the ringer. I don’t want to keep hoping only to feel like I could be put on a shelf at any time. What do I do when my heart refuses to listen to me and loves you despite all my warnings? What do I do when I find myself – again – alone at the end of the day? I was just getting the hang of alone… or so I thought… Now I FEEL lonely.. that is new. I wasn’t lonely before… I was just relieved… Now the weight of the silence and the absence of the voice I long to hear weighs on me and just hurts. Please show me the way out of here… I don’t know how much more I can take.
Category: Healing
Cool invisbile
fingers of wind gently stroke
the tears from my face
All I see is you
your once familiar face
now ever pain-blurred
How to control this
deep ache felt with every beat
of a heart – once loved?
I have found such unexpected joy lately. I am not ready to get into it yet…but it has been a very long time since I felt beautiful, since I felt joyous, since I felt like I had something to offer. I have had someone walk back into my life recently that reminded me who I was… and who I can and will be again.. Such an unexpected joy. I feel powerful and passionate and alive and beautiful and full of potential. I am awash in my hobbies and pleasures and passions and interests… I feel like I am coming back to life. This person has showered me in compliments, in passion, in adoration, in teasing and humor and has brought me back to myself… the me I was years ago… I left myself behind so long ago that I was lost in my pain and anger and confusion and I forgot who I was. I forgot who I was created to be. I am starting to remember. I am coming alive again… adrift and awash in Joy… finding a love I thought I had lost… finding the me I thought I had lost… Thank you my dear, wonderful, unexpected love… thank you for bringing me back to life.
It is a strange thing to me….to be known… It is often easier to write these thoughts out and put them in the ether knowing that they are going out to strangers who do not know me and who I will, likely, never meet… It is another thing entirely for someone who knows me (and who I know) to read them… It makes me feel laid bare…exposed… And I carry the burden of knowing that my life has been what it was and it makes me afraid to meet their eyes…lest I find there the pity and the pain echoing in their gaze… I find myself tempted to edit…to temper the tempest within my breast to make those who have to look me in the eyes more comfortable with the rumble of thunder behind my smile… Then, sometimes, something so profound, so beautiful happens…. Someone discovers my tempest, rides out my storm, feels my pain…and meets my gaze unflinchingly – unafraid and with such compassion, such acceptance… it is truly humbling. And to those sacred few… thank you. Thank you for allowing me this. Thank you for being willing to see beyond the surface and to stare into the dark with me…. for being willing to listen for the sound of the storm and be unafraid of the lightening.
I feel like I have been in a fog for the last 5 years. I have made so many mistakes on my journey to be whole. I have to live with that. I hate that I abandoned myself, though. I used to believe that I had something to offer…some step on my healing journey that might help someone else. Then… I abandoned all of my former belief in this journey and went dark… I am sorry for that. My mistakes in healing are just as important as my triumphs… maybe more so because they show the honest truth and may make those of you on this broken journey with me feel less alone…less in the dark. I am digging deep, finding my roots, feeling the night without being invaded by the dark… come along, if you wish. I would love to have you on this journey with me… maybe we can help each other heal.
Who mourns the death of a tyrant? Do you mourn the loss of the person who caused you unimaginable pain? I recently found out that my mother died. Apparently she died back in May. I didn’t know how to feel… mostly because I kept waiting to feel all the things you are supposed to feel when your mother dies… I kept waiting for tears, for mourning, for pain, for confusion… What I mostly felt was … relief. The world felt a little safer to me… Don’t get me wrong, I felt pain… but it was largely the pain of my life…of every time I was abused, neglected, insulted, criticized, misunderstood, raped, hit… The pain of everything she could have been but wasn’t.
It feels scandalous to say out loud that I was relieved when I found out my mother died…but that is the ugly truth of it. I wonder if everyone that is abused feels the same… is this a truth that we all just don’t say out loud? We face polite society and cower in the face of judgement from others. I did. Honestly, I have been judged my entire life. I have lived in pain all my life and been judged for saying I hurt… been judged harshly for saying what you did hurt me… I have been flat out told that I had no reason to hurt. When I confronted my parents with the truth of my pain I was ignored, told that there was nothing wrong with me… when I asked for therapy I was told I don’t need it… I was told over and over that in so many ways that I was crazy…. So now…when I know she is gone – I feel relieved…. I feel like there is one less person trying to gaslight me. One less narcissist to go around pretending like we had this perfect little family.
I will not remain silent… I have been quiet for years – I backed into the shadows… This has brought me back into the light… this had made me feel a little safer in the world, a little more at home. The world with one less monster in it feels like a better world to live in… a safer place for my heart, my memories, my thoughts, my anger, fear, pain, triumph, hope…. safer for me.
I felt for the last several years like I just wanted to hide from everyone, from my past, from the world at large… learning about my mother’s death makes me feel invited back out into the sun…. I belong here. I am not going anywhere and just because the truth makes people uncomfortable doesn’t mean that I will ever stop speaking it and putting it out there. I realized that me shutting up doesn’t protect me – it just makes the monsters more comfortable and that is not the way I want to live anymore.
So…. I am accepting the invitation. I am going to walk in the sun and tell the truth and put my heart back out there… hiding it was not protecting my heart – it was only protecting their reputation… So here I am. In pain, broken, hurt, angry – but full of hope and enjoying the sunlight and not afraid of my own heart anymore.
Hi, my name is Becka and I am codependent. I got a chip at my first CoDA meeting and I am taking things one day at a time. I am step by step journeying back into my life ~ breaking free of this disease and learning to be healthy and whole. I know I have a long uphill battle ahead. I know this won’t be easy. This codependency has seeped its way into nearly every aspect of my life and the depths of my mental illness has permeated me to my very core. I go days, sometimes, feeling nothing at all.
Numb…such a hateful four-letter word. I used to think it equated to safety but now I see it for what it is. The destroyer of all my humanity. My empathy, compassion, warmth, silliness, passion, anger… all faded to apathy and numbness until my world was all grey and I forgot what color looked like… what color felt like. I forgot what love felt like, what warmth felt like… I even forgot the fierce red heat of anger, I forgot the beautiful blues of sadness and all the vibrant hues of desire.
I found the stair-case…now I am climbing out… Becka-Dragon Girl… hear me roar…
I have been fighting my tendency to hide from my emotions… I have been fighting to stay in my feelings and stop hiding from them. I have hidden from my heart for so long… I have felt like a chameleon. I have tried to give everyone around me what I thought they wanted… in doing this I have failed to just be myself. I have learned and am still learning that what the people who love me really want from me is for me to just be myself. How can anyone love me if I never give them a chance to know me? What do I do if I never figure out who I am? I am so afraid of this… I feel like I have spent my whole life running away from who I am…I have spent my whole life hiding… I have spent my whole life afraid. I feel like I lost this fight today…. Today I hid in TV… I hid in food.. I hid in entertainment… I buried my feelings and totally failed to sit in my skin. I was all alone and there was no one to please but myself…and I still hid and ran away from my pain, my fear… I sat in numbness… I desperately hope (and plan) to win more battles in the future… I know this one failure is not me losing the war. I can do this. I passionately love… I passionately fear… I am passionately angry and I want to fight injustice. I did not do anything to deserve the abuse and pain I endured – but I do have control and responsibility in how I react to that abuse and pain now. No more running away! I will FIGHT! I am beautiful, I am fierce, I am worthy, I am loved.
I feel so much… My heart quakes within me. I feel so overwhelmed and afraid…I feel so sad and angry… I feel so much love and longing… I feel like I am going to either explode or fall apart… I feel like I am never going to stop crying… but then I will suddenly feel like laughing… I feel like yelling, raging, tearing things…I feel like screaming… I feel so very lost.
I foolishly assumed I would be good at marriage… I thought – through no fault or effort of my own – I would naturally be a good wife. I was so wrong. I have been so lost. I have been broken. I have been arrogant. I have failed so often I sometimes wonder why I try… I have believed lies… I have believed that I was helpless… I have believed that I did not have a choice in how I acted… no choice in how I gave/received love…. I have been so lost… I have been lazy and uncaring. I have been self absorbed. I have been numb. I have been just about the worst wife I could be. I have made my husband feel unseen, unheard, unloved… He has felt abandoned by me… He has felt unlovable and unlovely. I am so lost…
captivatingbitter 