When you have a painful history you are often tempted to avoid anything that reminds you of your past… to throw it all away and to vehemently deny your past. I am tempted all the time to just think of the future and shove thoughts of my past aside and pretend they did not change me drastically. When something comes up that takes me back in time – a smell, a song, a taste – I cringe away from those encounters. Today I embraced my past. I was 20 years old and invincible again. I put on my dark wash jeans, black tank top, black eye-liner and drove down the road with the windows down and the radio so loud I could feel the base line in my chest. I sang along to the songs and let my hand trail out the window catching the wind in my open palm. I went alone to the movies and had a great time. I recaptured a lost piece of myself and had so much fun and felt so free…free and not afraid. I don’t have many days like that – and this one was certainly special. I know every day is different and what gives me hope is thinking there are more days like today in my future… and knowing that I can take pieces of my past and bring them with me – I don’t have to abandon all of me back there. I don’t have to leave those parts of me behind. I feel invincible today… invincible and wild and something approaching healthy.
Category: Healing
After years of self-abuse (cutting, drinking, drugs etc) I finally found the strength to cry out for help – that is what has gotten me to where I am today… I could not have made it this far without help and I would not have received help until I got brave enough to ask for it… I nearly waited too late to ask someone to take the knife out of my hand.
I am finally seeing the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel… and though I still have the occasional flash back, it no longer cripples me nor does it define me. My past is a part of what made me the woman I am today but it is not all that I am. I know it does not have to consume me. I have battled my way through terror, pain, frantic desperation and humiliation but I am here. I am alive… possibly for the first time in my life I am not just existing…. I am LIVING.
Yesterday was a day filled with Wild Goodness (a phrase I stole from my husband.) First, let me explain what Wild Goodness means to me, without getting too “preachy”. Wild Goodness is the way I interpret the manifestation of God’s unfailing love for me. My heart is soothed by the natural world…by thunder-storms, by seeing animals in the wild, by flowers blooming, by shapes in clouds, by the surprise of a passionate kiss… by things that are beautiful and wild and possibly even dangerous. I feel wooed by God in unlikely ways… I feel His love for me in lightening (even though the thunder makes me jump every-single-time!) I feel it in butterflies, in sweat on my brow when I am pulling weeds, in the arms of my passionate husband, in orgasms, in the throbbing pulsing beats of my favorite hard rock songs, in the thrill of danger when you happen upon a snake or wild animal, in the wind on my skin… you catch my drift…
My day begins with squirrels.
These guys were playing outside my office.
Ok, ok…I know squirrels are often viewed as pests and rightly so, they can be very damaging…but let’s put all that aside for the moment and be purely emotional about them… no rational thinking allowed! Looking out of my office window I saw a mama squirrel carrying her baby in her mouth. It was astonishing considering the ‘baby’ squirrel was nearly as large as the mother. She was climbing the pillar of the building next door carrying her young one in her mouth. Their nest was apparently under the cap of the corner of the building’s aluminum roofing. Navigating the roof looked difficult…the pillars are rough and could be climbed with apparent ease – but getting to the nest required a clever jump onto a smooth surface with almost no purchase. The mother squirrel had perfected this maneuver but the baby hesitated and would not make the jump. The mother squirrel tried to carry the young one all the way but she could not do it – they both nearly fell…it was time to change tactics. The mother, with her young following closely on her tail, climbed the pillar, made the leap and went into the nest where she immediately poked her head back out waiting on the baby to follow. After it was apparent the infant was not following the mother climbed down to the ground (followed by her baby) where she fussed over him and groomed him and allowed him to groom her… I interpreted it as reassurance… then they tried again… this happened over and over and after each failed attempt there was the time spent on the ground – fussing over her young with deliberate affection and reassurance. Watching all of this… it reminded me of God’s patience for us. It made me think of how He shows us the way over and over again and each time we fail he comes back for us, tells us we are loved and forgives us…then show us the way all over again.
From squirrels to snakes…
This little guy tried so hard to be fierce…
After work I decided to go to Phinizy Swamp Park to hike, read, journal, take photos, to commune with nature…I spied some picnic tables when I arrived and gathered my books, journal and camera and headed that way. On my way over I spied a family – mother, father, 2 small blond boisterous boys and a large golden dog on a leash – all gathered around a spot on the ground making excited exclamations and gestures. I could not resist, so I went to see what the fuss was about. There on the ground, trying for all his worth to appear threatening, was a baby cotton-mouth. This was a beautiful snake, about 5-6 inches long and a perfect example of Wild Goodness. My photo hardly does him justice. I know many would not find such pleasure in this encounter but to me it was God whispering his love directly to my wild heart. The heart that has been broken, beaten, rejected, tossed aside… the part of my heart that feels dangerous and alone… I don’t know if you can understand, but I hope you can. After meeting the snake I sat in the shade at a picnic table and read for a while (Currently working through Life After Trauma – if you are a survivor I would strongly recommend this book) Ironically enough, I was spending time alone – while my current excercise in the book was about how trauma affects our ability to be alone and that is something worth reclaiming. Again, I felt love enter into my soul, as though the timing of this outing and the material I was reading were orchestrated. After I put away my things I took my trusty camera down a trail… the light by this time was beginning to take on a golden hue and the filtered light coming down to the forest floor turned my world a golden green, like a magical gateway. I felt like I was being drawn, invited, allured into the heart of my creator… and deeper into my own heart as well.
I turned a corner on the foot-path and happened upon a man with a large camera with a telephoto lens that I must admit a great deal of envy for… he was very still and silent … he was snapping photos of a very large river otter swimming up-stream. (sad to say I could not get a clear shot of him) I felt overwhelmed and grateful to witness such a beautiful creature. The other photographer hiked on and disappeared around another bend in the trail and I was alone at the river side. I felt overcome and grateful and happy. I sank to my knees by the bank of the river and bowed my head and just let the feeling of thankfulness wash over and through me. I let my guard down and allowed myself to feel deeply loved and humbled. I lost myself in the moment alone in the woods.
After I left the riverside I found a trail that was closed for repairs – so, naturally I took that path! It was a broken-down board walk going deeper into the silent woods and I loved the thrill of the aloneness and the (mostly imagined) danger. Now, I am not advocating risky behavior, so let me explain that the board walk was not up off the ground but built directly on top of the ground – so I was not in danger of falling or anything… This broken trail lead me to a lake that was surrounded by a picket fence. The lake was lush and filled with turtles and minnows. As I was walking around the lake I was feeling impatient…wanting the next thing… the next wildlife encounter, the next thrill…I was there surrounded by beauty and was seriously tempted to stop and scroll back through the photos of the snake I had already taken. It was at this moment that I felt like my creator was speaking to my heart… I felt like He was saying to me that this is a problem for me… I often see, hear, experience something wonderful…and I want to stop and stay in that moment. I think this is natural and occurs with many people. What I feel in my heart is that this is not what we are meant for. These wonderful things are not our destination – they are land-marks. There is nothing wrong with stopping to enjoy a landmark but it is not where you want to build your home. I too often want to stop or go back to the last blessing, the last break-through, the last revelation, to the last time I felt that I was on the “right” path. This is foolish thinking… What we are called to and what we are created for is the journey whose final destination is far better than any we can imagine and more beautiful than any landmark we may see along the way. I felt like God was calling me to His heart in a way that He designed just for me… that is the wonderful thing about the Lover of our Soul… He knows just how to romance you. How he next romanced me was through the sighting of a Monarch. 
I know that these are probably not the most beautiful butterflies in the whole of creation, but for some reason they are very special to me and I have fixated on them for years… I have seen photos and read about them but I had actually never seen one in the wild until this day. Even though it is a simple, small thing I cannot adequately express how happy it made me and how loved I felt witnessing this beautiful creature.
I walked on and came out of the woods into a flat land dotted with large ponds populated by several birds… I saw Snowy Egrets, Great Herons, Wood Ducks and water fowl that I could not identify… I watched Purple Martins swirl and dive and perform aerial acrobatics I would hardly thought possible – a beautiful aerial display! As I as walking along one of these ponds I heard some owls calling to each other in the distance… it was like listening to a conversation… I would hear one off to my left, then a reply very close to me (but out of sight) then another reply off to my left. Their cries were beautiful and melodious and a bit chilling.
By now the sun-light was all golden and the sky was turning pink and orange with the dying light. It was then that I saw the first of 3 alligators. 
He was swimming along and when he noticed me he first sank low in the water – since I did not want him to disappear – I knelt down by the water’s edge so I would not be taller than the grass growing at the bank. He seemed just as curious about me as I was about him… he swam up to the bank and stopped about 3 feet out and we just stared at each other for a few minutes. It was beautiful and again I felt that wild, dangerous love wash over me. The lessening light reminded me that I needed to head out and find my way to civilization again. In one of the last ponds I passed I had one more treat waiting for me… a large alligator was swimming lazily along and I again stopped and knelt and watched as this gator swam close to me too….about 2 feet away this time and we studied each other in the stillness of the growing shadows.
Since I was rapidly running out of light, I reluctantly got up and picked my way down the gravel path back to the woods where cardinals lead my way to the boardwalk. They were like brilliant red beacons landing in my path and guiding me home. I wish I could share every fine detail, every nuance of this day with you…I wish I could adequately describe to you the feeling of love that I allowed myself to be swept into on this day. I also wish I could hold onto this moment forever – but I am now aware that this is a landmark – not a home… so I will record this day for you and for myself and I will look forward with hope to the wonder that is in store for me.
I feel like I am about to go completely crazy. Have you ever wanted something…wished so hard for it you thought your heart would break? I feel that way right now. I am longing for healing, longing for freedom, longing for wholeness… longing so deeply that I can scarcely breathe. I want to run away – start a new life somewhere far away where no one knows my name, where my past will not haunt me. I want to feel safe in my own skin again. I want to dream and dare. I am tired of that anxious feeling…that bees buzzing in my chest feeling…that sense of impending doom that pervades my life. I know that every day is not this bad. I know that I am healing steadily every day. I know that my life is better today than it has ever been and I know the best is yet to come. But despite all of that – I still have days like this… days when I cannot calm down… days when I feel so fragile – like my feelings are barely beneath the surface and the least unkind work, look, gesture will bring me to tears. I hate days like this…I hate feeling so vulnerable around perfect strangers. Sanity feels elusive on days like this. Like it is draining like sand from an hour glass… and I am running out of time.
My father-in-law is a monster. No, he’s not a vampire, were-wolf, zombie, mummy kind of monster…but he’s much worse. He pretends to be kind and loving to the “public” but as soon as we are alone with him he never fails to emotionally attack my husband. He has flat-out told him that he did not care that he hurt his feelings. In fact, he informed him that my husband’s feelings do not mater at all to him. In the mean-time he tells his ‘friends’ that he is just so worried about his son and he does not understand why his son is so distant of late and accuses me of tearing his son away from his family. He is truly a bully – and a pathetic one at that. He disgusts me. I know there are two-faced people in the world, that does not surprise me. What surprises me is the number of people he has been able to fool with his “poor little me” sob story. He is a widower and he plays that up all the time for sympathy extolling his goodness in standing by her side through a prolonged illness when, in truth, he cheated on her for nearly 20 years of their 40+ year marriage. I am so sick of hypocrites! I am sick of people who pretend to be family and turn on you as soon as you have an opinion differing from theirs. Color me DONE!
It’s been a rough couple of years… my life has taken so many unexpected turns and I have fought so many battles. Now I find myself feeling a little adrift. I’ve been forging ahead and fighting for my life, my marriage, my sanity. I know the war is far from over and there are battles still to come, but I seem to be enjoying a brief reprieve. I don’t know whether to be grateful or worried by the seemingly sudden stillness in my life. Balance seems to be an ongoing theme in this chapter of my life. Balance between work and play … between striving and rest … between busyness and focus. I feel constantly torn between two worlds. I know I am learning more at each pass… spiraling toward a destination rather than circling to nowhere, and that gives me some hope. I wish I could know the end result of all this. Oh for a glimpse of the future. So many hopes and dreams that are still out of reach…but I choose to believe that they are getting closer all the time.
To the person who refuses to get it
To the person who cannot see me through the mask of his own making
To the person who calls ME the monster
To the person who thinks this blog was written to hurt HIS family
You know who you are –
You Repel Me (to quote Sherlock)
You disappoint me.
You are not my judge – you are not my jury – you are not fit to judge me and you have no freaking idea what you are talking about. Don’t act all wounded and expect me to buy it. Don’t pretend righteous outrage and expect me to pity you or to cower before you. Don’t be surprised when I fight back. I’m not the person you knew. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you know me or that you have ANY right to my life…. any right to know me, to speak to me or to comment on my life in any medium. You lost any right – any claim you may have had on my life – years ago. You think Dad is so wonderful? Where were you when he was talking about testifying on Eddie’s behalf as a character witness? You think Mom is a victim? How many times have you heard her stand up for herself but allow him to bull-doze over us? You think you know me? Think again. I am no going to go along with you and pretend our family was this happy family. I am not going to pretend that Dad saying “I’m sorry if I did anything to hurt you.” is an actual apology. I am not going to pretend that Mom playing the role of the weak wounded woman is going to move me in the face of the life I’ve lived through. You do not know me. You have no idea what I am capable of. You are not welcome here. You do not want to know my heart, my thoughts? Then don’t ever come back – don’t read another word. Just walk away – it’s what you are good at.
Taken summer 2013 in my front yard on my Passion Flower Vine
I’ve noticed lately that I am getting more comfortable in my sadness. I am so often sad but I generally hide it behind a mask of fake polite smiles and small talk or jokes. Lately I just allow myself to sit in the sadness… to allow the emotion to wash through me…to wash over me and pass on. I have found that by allowing myself to actually feel the emotion it can run its natural course and I am free to feel other things, like joy, anger, passion, fear… I’ve been numb for so long – numb and lost and I’m ready for that part of my life to be over. I am ready to feel… to feel everything – even if it hurts. Live is too precious to miss. I am tired of running – tired of hiding – tired of protecting bullies and abusers. I will not live my life in fear. I will not hide and pretend that I do not see the evil in the world. I want to do it all… I want to sing, to run, to fight, to dance, to paint, to play, to make a big mess and laugh… I do not want to spend the rest of my life in stasis. I’m ready to rise up. I want to twirl in the yard with my arms flung out and my face to the sky. I want to sword fight with sticks and I want to seek out beauty every day – in every place I am. I want to take long walks by moonlight again and not be afraid… I want to live my life again… and to think… it all began with me allowing myself to be sad… allowing myself to be.
I’ve been gone from here for over a year… and it’s been a tumultuous year. I’ve been hunkered down in severe self-protection mode hiding from the world and afraid to put my heart back out there…but I cannot live this way. I was never meant to. I was meant to live a life of passion. An old therapist of mine once told me that when he met me two words immediately sprang to mind…. “Sleeping Giant” Well…this giant is waking up… and I refuse to remain in this state of fear. So look out, world… I’m awake and ready to stretch my legs once more.
I took this photograph of a Blue Morpho this year….broken and beautiful still
captivatingbitter 