Category: Healing


Therapy Letter #2 – To my parents

Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments
March 16, 2012

Dear Mom & Dad,

     I am so disappointed in you.  I will never understand the way you treated me.  Why didn’t I matter to you?  Why, when you found out I was molested, was your first thought about how you could protect your reputations and not about how you should/could have protected me?  How can you play nice with and spend time with family that treated their daughters like human sacrifices?  Why was it so hard for you to love me?  Mark loves me and he says I am easy to love – so why is it so hard for you?  Why couldn’t you see me?  Was I invisible?  Was I too much?  You always made me feel like I was too much – like loving me would just overload you somehow.  Why wasn’t I ever good enough for you?  Why did you turn on me?  How was it my fault that Eddie raped me and his daughters?  It wasn’t my fault, it was never my fault!  How dare you blame me!  It is so unfair.  you should never have had me – you didn’t want a daughter – you wanted another notch in your belt… another blessing to claim… some other piece of evidence to prove you were a man & woman of God.  You wanted a trophy not a child.  You treated me like a display and when I wasn’t ‘pretty’ when I didn’t display just right you didn’t want me anymore.  You would rather think I was possessed by the devil than to think I didn’t believe like you anymore.  You would rather count me among the lost souls than to consider you may be wrong in you beliefs and there may be more to life and to God than wrath and anger.  It isn’t my fault you  don’t know me (or God.)  It’s yours.  you had plenty of chances to know me and you didn’t bother.  I am worth it.  I don’t deserve your criticism our your disdain.  you don’t know me because you don’t think I am worth it…well, you’re missing out.  I am worth it…I am a good woman.  I am smart, beautiful and loving.  I love God with all my heart and I serve Him.  I love my husband and I am a wife to be proud of.   Being raped by Eddie was not my fault – it was yours and you are not worthy to be parents. 

It was not my fault.  It was not my fault. 

It was not my fault.  It was not my fault.

It will never be my fault.

Love,

No Longer Damaged Goods

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Therapy Letter #1 – to Eddie

Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments
March 8, 2012

Dear Eddie:

How dare you!  I don’t know what’s wrong with you!  Who would do that to a child?  What kind of sick pervert  would touch a child like that?!?  You are a monster and you don’t deserve to live.  I wish you had never been born.  You are disgusting!  It is never ok to force sex on a child.  Children are not sexually attractive.  You diseased, filth-ridden, deplorable man!  You should suffer for what you did to me, to all of us.  You should be tortured slowly over years for the pain you inflicted on us.  You are not a follower of Christ!  You should never pretend to be…. all those years of preaching while raping little girls… you are disgusting, filthy and an abomination to humanity.  You should not call yourslef a man – that is an insult to masculinity.  True men protect those they love – they do not torture them.  True men do not use their strength to coerce – they use it to liberate.   You do not even deserve to be called human – none of what you did to us was humane.  I hope you rot in prison – know that you belong there!

Sincerely,

No Longer Damaged Goods

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Getting Back to Me

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February 19, 2012

This is my plan:

I will dream again.  I will stop this pathetic “safe” settling and fight for my future again.  I will not be afraid of my own success.  I will not hide in the shadows any longer.  I will step into the light and bathe my face in the warmth of a tomorrow with promise.  I will be passionate again.  I will be alive.  I will be that girl who drove across the country alone at the drop of the hat and explored the desert.  I will be the woman who worked two jobs to pay her way through college.   I will be there for my family.   I will be a good mother.  I will love and support my husband and children and woe to anyone who dares to hurt them.  I will protect my loved ones and fight for them.  I will leave this shell behind. 

 I will get back to me.   

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Setback in D Major

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February 18, 2012

The Dream:

I am spending time with my uncle, Eddie, and his 3 daughters.  We’re at my parent’s house listening to some Southern Gospel music and debating on the merits of the old Southern Gospel music vs modern Christian Rock..  We’re all laughing, teasing and so happy.   We’re flipping through CD’s and my MP3 player playlist… It’s a good day and I feel so safe and loved. 

So what makes this a nightmare?

My uncle is a rapist and a child molester and in my dream I don’t know this… in my dream I haven’t remembered what he has done to me and I don’t yet know what he is doing to his beautiful daughters.

The part of me that is always me (no matter what I am dreaming) is terrified and screaming at the dream me to get out of there !  I hate that I can feel so safe and terrified, so innocent and soiled all at the same time.  Most of all I hate how much this dream has set me back.   I hate how vulnerable I suddenly feel.  I hate how I can barely accept touch.  I hate how I want to hide away and not face all of this.  I hate the temptation to morph back into that robot of a woman and pretend that everything is fine even though I can barely breathe.

So what’s the plan?  I am going to breathe in and out.  I am going to face my fears.  I am going to feel this and not be a coward or a zombie.  I am going to admit that I have been hurt – terribly – and it is ok to be afraid for a while.  I am going to allow my husband to comfort me and allow myself some room to be vulnerable.  But most importantly, I am going to go through this.  No short-cuts or detours.  Because that is the only way I am ever really going to find peace. 

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The Windy Day

Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments
February 15, 2012

I went kayaking with some friends on Saturday.  It was blustery and cold and perfect.  We went out to Reed Bingham State Park.  It was gorgeous!  We paddled up river for about 2 hours then turned around and came back.  I love the feeling of being out on the water –  maneuvering between cypress knees and through shallow bogs and narrow passages.  I love the feeling that something unknown and wonderful could await just around the next bend.  I love the beautiful hush of the river passing through the deep woods.  There’s something profoundly healing about being out in nature…something that, as author John Eldridge wrote, let’s you know there is room for your soul.  Every time I get out on a garden path or hike a trail or kayak a river I can fill my chest expand…can feel as though I have room to breathe – to belong.  I’ve decide to do this more often… I am not going to wait until I am so stressed out i can barely function to do something healing and nice for myself.   I am going to have a standing appointment with myself to go out and have a good time…t o surround myself with something beautiful and give myself permission to be…

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Hope

Filed under: Healing — 2 Comments
January 30, 2012

I am going to be ok… I have been working so hard and making so much progress.  I am excited about my future for the first time in as long as I can remember.   I feel so full of hope and promise.  I feel like I’m getting the hang of things.  I know what I want and I know what I need to do with my life.  It’s a nice feeling – I know I don’t have everything together – but I know I will be happy one day.   Strange, this feeling of hope.  I think I’ll just enjoy it for once.

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Thoughts on doing battle

Filed under: Healing — 6 Comments
January 9, 2012

    

   I feel like I am in the fight of my life.  I am up against so much.  Not only am I still coming to terms with my past abuse, I am trying to break my present cycle of self-abuse.  I was feeling all proud of myself thinking I had come so far… and to be fair I have made a lot of progress – but I have a daunting amount of work ahead of me.  I am nearly crippled by this.  I don’t know how to be real.  I am really good at faking it.  I look great on paper – happily married, good career, room for growth and promotion in my field, 2 college degrees, a savings account, pets, friends… We own our home  and cook meals way more than we eat out… we hike when we can on weekends and try to play tennis once a month… The reality is  we don’t have it together.  I don’t have it together.  I don’t even know where “it” is to get it together.  I have no idea where to start.  I’m reading books, doing my devotions, listening to Christian music, going to therapy and yet “it” eludes me. 

    I don’t want to go through the motions, I want to live.  I am fighting to live – to breathe – to have a thought or opinion I don’t feel I have to apologize for.  I am sick to death of being sorry all the time!  What am I sorry for, existing? breathing? being?  I have no idea… I just feel perpetually apologetic and frankly pathetic!  This is not me… every fiber of my being screams and rails against this shell of a person I have become.  I have to defeat her.  She may have served a purpose at one time but those days are long gone and now instead of helping me she is slowly undermining me – turning me into a mindless, whimpering drone.  I am not this woman.  I am passionate and alive.  I am angry and strong and am not going to put up with this any more!  I am fierce and loving and loyal and I get what I want because I fight for it.  I am not this mousey, lay down and die disguise I have been wearing…  I am not this afraid to look you in the eyes broken down woman who I have been pretending to be lately. 

    I am putting on my armor – I am sharpening my weapons – I am stoking this furnace and I will burn off this shell in a wash of heat and light and hope.  I will find myself again and I will not be burdened by all of this fear any longer.  I deserve better.  I am worth fighting for and if any one is going to fight for me I had better start the battle.  I am loved, I am fiercely guarded, I am cherished, I am Captivating.  I will defeat these shackles and melt away these chains and I will rise up.  I am an amazing woman.  I am strong.  You haven’t seen anything yet.

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Father’s Day

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December 24, 2011

Father’s Day came and went this year like every year before it – full of conflicting emotions and empty of truth.  What has ‘father’ meant to me?  Why should I celebrate a day for him?  I’m so confused.  ‘Father’ has been ‘tyrant’, ‘teacher’, diciplinarian’, ‘grouch’,’hateful’…’father’ has also been ‘fun’, ‘companion’, ‘playmate’ and ‘preacher’.    The trouble for me is there are too many faces, none of them consistant… few of them friendly.  One good day is supposed to erase months of yelling, insults, fear and humiliation.  One day spent laughing together is supposed to make me forget being ruled with an iron fist and a sarcastic sneer.  Daddy, I forgive you… I just can’t be the sacrificial lamb anymore… you may find me more lion than you remember me…

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Fear

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October 31, 2011

Fear is a funny thing…it creeps in and slowly takes over.    I am consumed by fear lately and I don’t know what to do.  My heart alternately races and pounds.  I just want some quiet…some calm…some peace.  I have had all I can take from my crazy job.  My bosses just keep piling it on and piling it on… it’s like they want to see what our breaking point is going to be.  If we get the work done by hook or by crook they just pile more on.  If we don’t get our work done we get in trouble.  If we ask for help or say we’re overwhelmed we are told we should practice better time management.  It really  is disappointing and frustrating and crazy-making.  I used to love my job, now I am consumed with anxiety every day when getting ready for work.  I just don’t know what to do.  I am afraid of losing my job and I am afraid if I stay I will go crazy. 

 

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Siren

Filed under: Healing, Poetry — Leave a comment
October 15, 2011

There’s something out there that is calling to me. 

I hear the voice clearly – haunting – chilling-alluring.

I long to follow… but I am so afraid.

It whispers, teases, shouts – and still I stand-

frozen and impotent.

When I break free of this I will run blindly

into that tantalizing music of freedom

and find my laughter waiting for me there.

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