I snapped this one dewy morning – the yard was full of dew covered spider webs and I had a fantastic time photographing them. I hope you enjoy viewing them as much as I loved taking them. Spider webs have always fascinated me, and I especially love the way the dew looks like diamonds.
I turned 35 today… Well… as it is after midnight I guess I turned 35 yesterday, technically. I spent the day alone apart for a one hour supervised visit with my husband. I miss him so much and I am ready for him to be home with me. Usually we have a huge birthday celebration… I started the tradition when we started dating – I would celebrate my husband’s birthday for the entire week — I gave him a gift every day for the week leading up to his birthday and then had a big gift, balloons, cake, etc on his birthday. Now it is what we do for each other every year.. He went into the hospital on Wednesday and today was the first time I’ve been able to see him since. Looks like he won’t get out until Monday at the earliest. I love him so much and I feel so lost with him away. I cannot stand not being able to see him or talk to him whenever I want… He wants to come home so badly and I want him here with me.
I don’t know what to do… my husband called me again this morning begging me to get him out of the hospital and I have spoken to crisis counsellors, the hospital, different facilities, my insurance and no one can help me… I get the same answer – Only the doctor can release him… I can’t even see him until tomorrow at 5:30….I feel so helpless. I want to go get him and bring him home… I wat to take care of him and I can’t help him. I don’t know what to do and I am so afraid…
I snapped this the other morning and bled the color nearly out of it… hope you enjoy…Today is one of those days I feel like the color is draining from my life… so I thought this photo would be appropriate.
I feel my world crumbling around me. I have never been this frightened in my entire life – including during my abuse… My husband was taken by ambulance to the hospital and admitted… they say he will be in there for 3-4 days and I feel so helpless… I can’t see him except for strict visiting hours and can only talk to him for 10 minutes at a time. I feel so helpless. I talk to him on the phone and he wants to come home so badly and I want to rush to his rescue. I want to help him. I want to make all this ugliness go away. I want to make him all better…. and to make the whole ordeal worse we had a fight last night… an age-old fight that we’ve had over and over… one that we had been working through and moved past recently… I thought we were doing so well… but last night we were looking at some of my old family photographs and I just lost it… I went back to that place, mentally and when he was just trying to help me I snapped at him and the evening quickly spiraled out of control. I hurt his feelings so badly… made him feel like the enemy… made him feel invisible, rejected and unimportant…. and I don’t know if it is possible for me to live long enough to do enough good to this man to ever make that up to him. Time and time again in our relationship he has reached out to help me and I have hurt him over and over by going into my automatic defense mode. I don’t mean to do this and I am working so hard to undo all of these defenses… I don’t need them anymore… but I can’t seem to get them disarmed. I feel like my heart is a mine-field and he keeps trying to reach me there and just when we think the land-mines are clear he steps on one and I hurt him all over again. I am so scared. I feel like this is all my fault… I’ve stressed him to the point of hospitalization. I am the straw that broke the camel’s back. I am terrified. I am desperately trying to stave off the ‘what ifs’… What if he hates me now? What if I can’t recover from this? What if this is the thing that leads him to leave me? What if I am just toxic and he never wants to see me again? What if I have just ruined our marriage that we have worked so very hard to save? What if he gets home from the hospital and is so traumatized by me he just doesn’t want me to touch him anymore? Is yesterday the last day I will ever touch his face? Kiss his lips? See his special -just for me- smile? Is it the last day I will ever hear his voice telling me he loves me? Did I just ruin both of our lives? Have I finally become the monster I have always feared I would? I am so afraid… Please, God, help me. Anyone out there…. if you pray…. please pray for us….
Manarda (Bee Balm) blooming against the sky
This guy landed on me while I was pulling weeds.
I was cleaning some weeds out of my flower bed when the storm blew in… first the darkening sky, then the wind that felt so good against my flushed skin… covered in sweat from the effort and humidity… then the storm crashed over me… it was like the opening of a faucet… no gentle rain, this… this was angry, stinging, fat drops of rain that were punishing as they hit. I refused to be swayed and defiantly knelt in the now-mud, pulling weeds and trying to resist the temptation to shake my fist angrily at the sky in some clichéd move. Soon, soaked to the skin and nearly blinded by the water running over my face I gave in… driven in by the lightning and thunder popping all around me. I almost dared the storm to strike me… feeling angry and spoiling for a fight – not that a fight against nature is one I am likely to win… Still…. the storm darkened sky did not disappoint – nor did the wet leaves in the soft after-storm light… Hope you enjoy these pictures as much as I enjoyed taking them… storm-weary and muttering at the sky.
Some days I just don’t know how to keep from being distracted by all the little things… How do I focus on the big picture? How do I block out all the noise and all the things that try for my attention? How do I de-clutter my thoughts? Some days I feel hopeless… just hopeless. I walk around most days feeling pretty ok but days like today life feels like it is crumbling around me. I think sometimes I allow myself to be sucked into the little details so I don’t have to realize how broken and afraid I feel.
This has been an emotional and triumphant week for me. I never imagined that I would be in this particular place. On Wednesday I was asked to be a guest speaker for a small group. I was asked to simply share my story and was told that many of the women attending would benefit from this. I spoke to a group of women (and 2 men) and told them my story. I told them about this life, this pain, this fear and this healing. It was terrifying to speak to strangers so openly…to lay my heart open to them and trust that they would handle it with loving-kindness. The response was over-whelming. I was so moved by their compassion… and so much more… they seemed so genuinely touched by my words… they were moved to share their own stories and we hugged and cried and prayed together. These wonderful people opened their homes, lives and hearts to me and trusted me with their truth. There are no words for how powerful and moving it was. On Sunday we stopped half-way home and visited my aunt and uncle – the first family I have had contact with in over two years. I was able to open up to them and to share my heart with them as well… and they received me without rejection or criticism. After so many years of silence I am finding my voice and I feel like a new woman. I am not saying that I am suddenly healed after years of abuse, fear, anger etc… but I feel a new strength… This week brought so many surprises… so much hope… and for the first time in a long time I feel that my recovery WILL one day be complete. I know life is a journey and I have far yet to go, but I know I will be ok… I am no longer focused on surviving my life… I am finding ways to live my life and to help others do the same.
captivatingbitter 