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Therapy Letter #1 – to Eddie

Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments
March 8, 2012

Dear Eddie:

How dare you!  I don’t know what’s wrong with you!  Who would do that to a child?  What kind of sick pervert  would touch a child like that?!?  You are a monster and you don’t deserve to live.  I wish you had never been born.  You are disgusting!  It is never ok to force sex on a child.  Children are not sexually attractive.  You diseased, filth-ridden, deplorable man!  You should suffer for what you did to me, to all of us.  You should be tortured slowly over years for the pain you inflicted on us.  You are not a follower of Christ!  You should never pretend to be…. all those years of preaching while raping little girls… you are disgusting, filthy and an abomination to humanity.  You should not call yourslef a man – that is an insult to masculinity.  True men protect those they love – they do not torture them.  True men do not use their strength to coerce – they use it to liberate.   You do not even deserve to be called human – none of what you did to us was humane.  I hope you rot in prison – know that you belong there!

Sincerely,

No Longer Damaged Goods

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Getting Back to Me

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment
February 19, 2012

This is my plan:

I will dream again.  I will stop this pathetic “safe” settling and fight for my future again.  I will not be afraid of my own success.  I will not hide in the shadows any longer.  I will step into the light and bathe my face in the warmth of a tomorrow with promise.  I will be passionate again.  I will be alive.  I will be that girl who drove across the country alone at the drop of the hat and explored the desert.  I will be the woman who worked two jobs to pay her way through college.   I will be there for my family.   I will be a good mother.  I will love and support my husband and children and woe to anyone who dares to hurt them.  I will protect my loved ones and fight for them.  I will leave this shell behind. 

 I will get back to me.   

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Setback in D Major

Filed under: Healing — Leave a comment
February 18, 2012

The Dream:

I am spending time with my uncle, Eddie, and his 3 daughters.  We’re at my parent’s house listening to some Southern Gospel music and debating on the merits of the old Southern Gospel music vs modern Christian Rock..  We’re all laughing, teasing and so happy.   We’re flipping through CD’s and my MP3 player playlist… It’s a good day and I feel so safe and loved. 

So what makes this a nightmare?

My uncle is a rapist and a child molester and in my dream I don’t know this… in my dream I haven’t remembered what he has done to me and I don’t yet know what he is doing to his beautiful daughters.

The part of me that is always me (no matter what I am dreaming) is terrified and screaming at the dream me to get out of there !  I hate that I can feel so safe and terrified, so innocent and soiled all at the same time.  Most of all I hate how much this dream has set me back.   I hate how vulnerable I suddenly feel.  I hate how I can barely accept touch.  I hate how I want to hide away and not face all of this.  I hate the temptation to morph back into that robot of a woman and pretend that everything is fine even though I can barely breathe.

So what’s the plan?  I am going to breathe in and out.  I am going to face my fears.  I am going to feel this and not be a coward or a zombie.  I am going to admit that I have been hurt – terribly – and it is ok to be afraid for a while.  I am going to allow my husband to comfort me and allow myself some room to be vulnerable.  But most importantly, I am going to go through this.  No short-cuts or detours.  Because that is the only way I am ever really going to find peace. 

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The Windy Day

Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments
February 15, 2012

I went kayaking with some friends on Saturday.  It was blustery and cold and perfect.  We went out to Reed Bingham State Park.  It was gorgeous!  We paddled up river for about 2 hours then turned around and came back.  I love the feeling of being out on the water –  maneuvering between cypress knees and through shallow bogs and narrow passages.  I love the feeling that something unknown and wonderful could await just around the next bend.  I love the beautiful hush of the river passing through the deep woods.  There’s something profoundly healing about being out in nature…something that, as author John Eldridge wrote, let’s you know there is room for your soul.  Every time I get out on a garden path or hike a trail or kayak a river I can fill my chest expand…can feel as though I have room to breathe – to belong.  I’ve decide to do this more often… I am not going to wait until I am so stressed out i can barely function to do something healing and nice for myself.   I am going to have a standing appointment with myself to go out and have a good time…t o surround myself with something beautiful and give myself permission to be…

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Hope

Filed under: Healing — 2 Comments
January 30, 2012

I am going to be ok… I have been working so hard and making so much progress.  I am excited about my future for the first time in as long as I can remember.   I feel so full of hope and promise.  I feel like I’m getting the hang of things.  I know what I want and I know what I need to do with my life.  It’s a nice feeling – I know I don’t have everything together – but I know I will be happy one day.   Strange, this feeling of hope.  I think I’ll just enjoy it for once.

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Thoughts on doing battle

Filed under: Healing — 6 Comments
January 9, 2012

    

   I feel like I am in the fight of my life.  I am up against so much.  Not only am I still coming to terms with my past abuse, I am trying to break my present cycle of self-abuse.  I was feeling all proud of myself thinking I had come so far… and to be fair I have made a lot of progress – but I have a daunting amount of work ahead of me.  I am nearly crippled by this.  I don’t know how to be real.  I am really good at faking it.  I look great on paper – happily married, good career, room for growth and promotion in my field, 2 college degrees, a savings account, pets, friends… We own our home  and cook meals way more than we eat out… we hike when we can on weekends and try to play tennis once a month… The reality is  we don’t have it together.  I don’t have it together.  I don’t even know where “it” is to get it together.  I have no idea where to start.  I’m reading books, doing my devotions, listening to Christian music, going to therapy and yet “it” eludes me. 

    I don’t want to go through the motions, I want to live.  I am fighting to live – to breathe – to have a thought or opinion I don’t feel I have to apologize for.  I am sick to death of being sorry all the time!  What am I sorry for, existing? breathing? being?  I have no idea… I just feel perpetually apologetic and frankly pathetic!  This is not me… every fiber of my being screams and rails against this shell of a person I have become.  I have to defeat her.  She may have served a purpose at one time but those days are long gone and now instead of helping me she is slowly undermining me – turning me into a mindless, whimpering drone.  I am not this woman.  I am passionate and alive.  I am angry and strong and am not going to put up with this any more!  I am fierce and loving and loyal and I get what I want because I fight for it.  I am not this mousey, lay down and die disguise I have been wearing…  I am not this afraid to look you in the eyes broken down woman who I have been pretending to be lately. 

    I am putting on my armor – I am sharpening my weapons – I am stoking this furnace and I will burn off this shell in a wash of heat and light and hope.  I will find myself again and I will not be burdened by all of this fear any longer.  I deserve better.  I am worth fighting for and if any one is going to fight for me I had better start the battle.  I am loved, I am fiercely guarded, I am cherished, I am Captivating.  I will defeat these shackles and melt away these chains and I will rise up.  I am an amazing woman.  I am strong.  You haven’t seen anything yet.

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Little Girl Blue

Filed under: Poetry — Leave a comment
December 25, 2011

Little girl, pigtails and blue-jeans

all muddy and smiling so big!

I love to watch you fling out your arms

and twirl in the sunshine. You see

the world through uniqe eyes that

accept with blind faith the beauty

and wildness of the world was created for you.

You know instinctively that  joy is

your reason for being.  You take delight

everywhere you find it and accept

without question that happiness is yours.

Perhaps I will come twirl with you today –

and you can show me the world through your eyes.

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Father’s Day

Filed under: Healing — 2 Comments
December 24, 2011

Father’s Day came and went this year like every year before it – full of conflicting emotions and empty of truth.  What has ‘father’ meant to me?  Why should I celebrate a day for him?  I’m so confused.  ‘Father’ has been ‘tyrant’, ‘teacher’, diciplinarian’, ‘grouch’,’hateful’…’father’ has also been ‘fun’, ‘companion’, ‘playmate’ and ‘preacher’.    The trouble for me is there are too many faces, none of them consistant… few of them friendly.  One good day is supposed to erase months of yelling, insults, fear and humiliation.  One day spent laughing together is supposed to make me forget being ruled with an iron fist and a sarcastic sneer.  Daddy, I forgive you… I just can’t be the sacrificial lamb anymore… you may find me more lion than you remember me…

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Longing for Freedom

Filed under: Poetry — Leave a comment
December 22, 2011

Fear blossoms in my chest

a familiar rose – black instead of red.

Each petal a knife.

I cannot shake this chill

this fingernails on a chalkboard

vibration in my bones.

I feel the knife twist deeper and

cannot even bring myself

to gasp in pain. 

I am beyond surprise;

beyond shock.  I am simply

accustomed.

Your eyes smile as you lick my

blood from your blade

holding your knife in one hand

and your bible in another.

Scribe, pharisee, hypocrite!

Who has warned you to flee from the wrath to come?

 

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Conversation?

Filed under: Poetry — 3 Comments
November 12, 2011

I watch your Judas lips drip poison

and I smile in polite fascination

pretending to agree.

I nod in the right places,

I make eye contact, I hope

my disgust is well hidden.

I can’t seem to follow this thread

this back and forth

this friendly banter.

I am not sure how this is

supposed to work… this friendship

this conversation. 

I am lost in a sea of political correctness

and cannot convey the thoughts

simmering beneath my surface.

I allow you to lie in my face

and thank you for your

endless unabashed betrayals.

I don’t know why I protect

you from me.  I owe

you nothing.  Nothing!

Yet you take from me…

day after day you diminish me –

rendering me irrelevant.

I will not die here – buried

under the avalanche of

your words…your indifference.

I will shake this off and

find re-birth in the flame

of your disapproval.

 

 

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