My mother passed away recently as I posted a while back… I am still trying to figure out how I feel about it all, but what I have concluded is this…I lost all hope of having a mother years ago… In many ways I lost my mother long before she died. I lost what it was to have a mother. I lost any concept of being loved by a mother or having a mother to love and celebrate and look up to. Now, here I am at 44 trying to reconcile my aching heart to the loss of a woman who hated me and did so much to crush my heart and who was far more concerned with being a martyr than a mother. I don’t know how to navigate these waters. I loved my mother and I was also so crushed by her and so utterly hurt. Sometimes my heart just aches within my chest and part of me recognizes that ache as the ache for family…for her. I dreamed of having a mother I could say anything to…who I could talk to about anything at any time. Someone I could tell the truth to and who would always tell me the truth in turn. Someone who would help me to know what a Godly woman looked like, what a good wife was, how to be a woman. I wanted someone to demonstrate femininity and not to revile it. Instead I was raised in loveless house of lies and my heart just hurts… I am not sure now how to mourn her, how to mourn myself…
Tag Archive: adult survivor of child sexual abuse
Haunted by memories I grasp for you and quickly push you away.
I cannot stomach this closeness yet I desire your touch – crave it – NEED it…
Fear arises as the brush of your hand resurrects ghosts thought long exorcised…
My body trembles, haunted by the abuse that still lives in my skin and in my breast, beating like a second heart.
It is chaos here… shouts, whispers, whimpers, cries…
Locked in the asylum of my mind.
My favorite local kayaking place is Banks Lake in Lakeland, GA. The view is breathtaking and the weather was absolutely perfect today – it was clear and cool and windy. I’m already ready to go again.
Are you part of the club? No, not a popular and fun club… the club of the Rape Survivors… We’re not an official club…but we often recognize each other by our habits, mannerisms and particular needs. Does this sound familiar?
- You don’t close your eyes when you shower – even when you wash your hair.
- You prefer to sit in a restaurant with your back to a wall or corner from which you can see people enter and exit around you.
- You check the house when you are alone at night, searching room by room before you can rest.
- You either leave the shower curtain open or use a clear shower curtain when you shower.
- You do not like people standing behind you and do not like to be touched by all but a very few people.
- You have nightmares about the event – wake up with dried tears on your cheeks, your heart pounding and a pain in your chest that you can scarcely breathe around.
- You have flash-backs that make the event feel like it is constantly current.
There is so much more… so many every day unconscious decisions. It feels so unfair that this one event changes your life so drastically. Some days I feel so angry – I feel cheated. I wonder what path my life would have taken…but then I just breathe… I try to pray… I find peace whenever I can, wherever I can. I find peace in worship, long walks in the woods, kayaking on Banks Lake, reading good books… Where do you find peace?
I hate days like this… I feel twitchy after spending the last 2 days pulling weeds in my gardens and having bugs crawl all over me… I still feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I know I should be used to this by now and I know bugs are no big deal, really, but I still cannot help the way I react. I try so hard to play it cool and to stay calm. I have these huge spiders in my flower beds and when you startle them they run toward you – not away from you. It freaks me out. Not to mention the beetles, ants and roaches that live in the taller weeds and thick grasses that I have to deal with. I hate this feeling… everything that touches me makes me flinch. I’m so jumpy. I think I will just sit calmly the rest of the day and sip tea and watch Netflix.
Taken summer 2013 in my front yard on my Passion Flower Vine
captivatingbitter 