Tag Archive: anger



Thank you so much SwittersB for nominating me for One Lovely Blog Award.  You are so kind!

The Rules for the Award are as follows

1.  You must thank the person that nominated you

2.  You must list the rules and display the award

3. You must list 7 facts about yourself

4.  You must nominate 10 others

5.  You must display award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you

I cannot tell you how honored and humbled I have been by my readers… It is an amazing feeling to have such love and concern come my way from so many sources… Growing up in a home where kindness and compassion were so rarely displayed I still find myself surprised daily by the kindness shown to me by virtual strangers.

Seven facts about myself:

1.  Without my husband’s constant prayer, encouragement and love I would not have dared to write this blog at all – it was because of his insistence that I deserved a space all my own to express my heart and mind that I started on this journey.

2.  Photography as a form of art therapy has been one of the most important and effective methods by which my heart has begun to heal.

3.  I am a dirt-loving, weed-pulling daylily nursery owner and I spend several hours a week working in my flower beds and welcoming the endless distraction of new blooms, buzzing bees, butterflies and hummingbirds — not to mention the occasional wild baby rabbit who will eye me from under some foliage.

4.  I did not play with Legos until my late (very late :)) twenties… now I have 4 Lego sets – 3 of which are scenes from Harry Potter and I would much rather display them in my China Hutch than actual China… I love whimsy and playing games and my husband and I spend many an evening over a board game or playing poker with mini chocolate bars as the currency.

5.  I have the widest taste in music of anyone I know… right now my collection contains artists varying from Benedictine Monks (which I am listening to at this moment) to Weird Al, to Creed, System of a Down, Crash Test Dummies, John Anderson, John Denver, Journey, Bon Jovi, Goo Goo Dolls, Rainforest Tribal Chants, Jim Croche, Jewel, Delerious?, Johna33, Michael W Smith…the list goes on….  I think ‘eclectic’ is the operative word here.

6.  I am easily distracted… think Dug from the movie UP and his collar that allowed him to “Squirrel!!” talk to people…  This is me, although my husband would likely argue my attention span is even shorter…

7.  Maggots are my kryptonite… I can handle snakes, spiders, beetles, bugs, all manner of reptiles and amphibians – but if I am encountered by a maggot I cannot handle it…. it’s quite pathetic…but I will hug a snake any day of the week – I have even been bitten  by them and know, logically, that they are more dangerous if not treated with proper respect…but this tiny insect larvae will leave me near tears and frozen in terror….

I have been enjoying so many blogs lately…but the blogs I would especially like to nominate are as follows:

The Broken Light Collective

Book of Bokeh

Wild Goodness

Reveling in the Overflowing Grace of God

Simple Pleasures

Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse

Blooming Lotus

Living Shadows

A Victims Journal

Mum..How Much Longer?

My Levels of Not Okayness


I’ve been thinking a lot about Dante’s Divine Comedy…specifically his Inferno and I have decide I have 7 levels of my not-okay-ness…I know this is not grammatically correct 🙂 But it’s the best way I can explain it…  Here’s how it goes…  In this scenario I knock my contact solution off the sink edge due to my infinite clumsiness…

Level One: I have no reaction… I just pick it up and put it back.

Level Two: I take a deep breath, sigh, then put it back.

Level Three: I take  a deep breath, huff, blow, slam it back down.

Level Four: I growl at the contact solution, pick it up, slam it down, huff, mumble and clench my fists…then take a deep breath…

Level Five:  I growl, glare at the contact solution, leave it there, huff, sigh, take a moment to calm myself down and take a deep breath.

Level Six: I yell at the contact solution, I glare at it, I kick it across the room, yell at it some more and pick it up and slam it down.

Level Seven: I yell at the contact solution, sink, mirror and any inanimate object around, I pick up the contact solution and throw it against the mirror, I cry, I pick it up and throw it again.

Does anyone else have days like this filled with irrational emotional craziness?  I hate this rage…this overly emotional out of control feeling….I certainly don’t want to  go through life feeling like this… How do I get a handle on it?

Gift from my Husband


This was written for me by my husband…  He is such a gift!

 

My heart weeps for all your tears.

Your words convey your pain.

I ache to sing solace amidst your fears.

And brush away your rain.

I grieve with you each ill received.

Your voice cries out lost years.

Your plastered smile did not deceive.

I yearn to hold you near.

Your heart was buried amidst the shame.

Twas hidden among the scars.

You did not deserve an ounce of blame,

For untold lashes left to mar.

Voices maligned your every thought.

Mean words dashed your heart.

Cruel lessons were branded and severely taught,

And dark horrors did they impart.

To be raised by loathsome beasts at best,

And savage gods at worst,

I long to see your soul enjoy rest,

And all your wounds be nursed.

Each scar and tear is precious to me.

Your pain does not repel.

I chase each lingering shadow to flee,

And make the dark dispel.

Until your heart finds rest in my love,

Your head against my chest,

I’ll embrace you in mine arms my dove,

till serenity do you possess

You were punished for your sire’s sin.

Sacrificed to lust and pride.

You and your cousins given to perverse men,

While your childhood died.

You were offered up to protect their lies.

Innocence suffered mortal blows.

While they puff and guff and claim alibis,

Their children they laid low.

Their children used as human shields

Wounded youth left to die

How foolishly they abused the power they yield,

For their infants they did not even cry.

What cruelty seethes from lifeless eyes?

lips drip poison to their chins.

Injuries more upon your back now lie

you lost so they might win.

How willingly they strap you to the stake.

Your mother sheds not one tear.

Your father preaches to the mob so fake,

while they cling to his words as dear.

Vacant eyes stare as babies are sacrificed alive,

Cries rend the night.

Innocence voices are silenced by inhuman drives,

beautiful children see no more light.

The God they think they blameless serve,

will one day cast them out,

They will find the place that he reserved,

for monsters who acted devout.

God is merciful and loving and kind it’s true,

but one day time will end.

Justice will have His say and into hell will He spew,

those who did only pretend.

God saw each cut and bruise and lash,

which they willfully hid.

Their image would be fit for the trash,

if ever exposed what they did.

You were effectively silenced for many a year,

Your heart was left to die

Malevolent parents deceive all who give ear,

and you thought you were the lie.

My heart weeps for wrongs you have wearily bourne,

by callous hearts and dead eyes.

I pray I may care for the places you were savagely torn,

and weep with you while you cry.

No one deserves abuse and neglect.

least of all one so pure.

God tenderly caught each tear to collect,

forever in His arms He will assure.

I Hate Anxiety!


I know no one really like anxiety, but I hate the way I feel right now!  My heart is pounding, I am having trouble breathing I cannot think straight… I hate this!!!  I want to scream right now.  I hate this feeling of fear – terror really.  I hate feeling trapped inside my own skin.  I hate the swarm of bees buzzing in my chest, the tightness in my lungs, the crawling in my skin the jangling nerves.  I hate that I feel so helpless to this feeling.  I hate this!  I feel crazy and I feel desperate and I would almost do anything to make it go away….

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Worst Birthday Ever


I turned 35 today…  Well… as it is after midnight I guess I turned 35 yesterday, technically.  I spent the day alone apart for a one hour supervised visit with my husband.  I miss him so much and I am ready for him to be home with me.  Usually we have a huge birthday celebration… I started the tradition when we started dating – I would celebrate my husband’s birthday for the entire week — I gave him a gift every day for the week leading up to his birthday and then had a big gift, balloons, cake, etc on his birthday.  Now it is what we do for each other every year..  He went into the hospital on Wednesday and today was the first time I’ve been able to see him since.  Looks like he won’t get out until Monday at the earliest.  I love him so much and I feel so lost with him away.  I cannot stand not being able to see him or talk to him whenever I want…  He wants to come home so badly and I want him here with me.

 

Feeling Despirate


I don’t know what to do… my husband called me again this morning begging me to get him out of the hospital and I have spoken to crisis counsellors, the hospital, different facilities, my insurance and no one can help me… I get the same answer – Only the doctor can release him… I can’t even see him until tomorrow at 5:30….I feel so helpless.  I want to go get him and bring him home… I wat to take care of him and I can’t help him.  I don’t know what to do and I am so afraid…

Beauty ~ Dew Covered Rose


I snapped this the other morning and bled the color nearly out of it… hope you enjoy…Today is one of those days I feel like the color is draining from my life… so I thought this photo would be appropriate.

 

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I feel my world crumbling around me. I have never been this frightened in my entire life – including during my abuse… My husband was taken by ambulance to the hospital and admitted… they say he will be in there for 3-4 days and I feel so helpless… I can’t see him except for strict visiting hours and can only talk to him for 10 minutes at a time. I feel so helpless. I talk to him on the phone and he wants to come home so badly and I want to rush to his rescue. I want to help him. I want to make all this ugliness go away. I want to make him all better…. and to make the whole ordeal worse we had a fight last night… an age-old fight that we’ve had over and over… one that we had been working through and moved past recently… I thought we were doing so well… but last night we were looking at some of my old family photographs and I just lost it… I went back to that place, mentally and when he was just trying to help me I snapped at him and the evening quickly spiraled out of control. I hurt his feelings so badly… made him feel like the enemy… made him feel invisible, rejected and unimportant…. and I don’t know if it is possible for me to live long enough to do enough good to this man to ever make that up to him. Time and time again in our relationship he has reached out to help me and I have hurt him over and over by going into my automatic defense mode. I don’t mean to do this and I am working so hard to undo all of these defenses… I don’t need them anymore… but I can’t seem to get them disarmed. I feel like my heart is a mine-field and he keeps trying to reach me there and just when we think the land-mines are clear he steps on one and I hurt him all over again. I am so scared. I feel like this is all my fault… I’ve stressed him to the point of hospitalization. I am the straw that broke the camel’s back. I am terrified. I am desperately trying to stave off the ‘what ifs’… What if he hates me now? What if I can’t recover from this? What if this is the thing that leads him to leave me? What if I am just toxic and he never wants to see me again? What if I have just ruined our marriage that we have worked so very hard to save? What if he gets home from the hospital and is so traumatized by me he just doesn’t want me to touch him anymore? Is yesterday the last day I will ever touch his face? Kiss his lips? See his special -just for me- smile? Is it the last day I will ever hear his voice telling me he loves me? Did I just ruin both of our lives? Have I finally become the monster I have always feared I would? I am so afraid… Please, God, help me. Anyone out there…. if you pray…. please pray for us….

Invincible


When you have a painful history you are often tempted to avoid anything that reminds you of your past… to throw it all away and to vehemently deny your past. I am tempted all the time to just think of the future and shove thoughts of my past aside and pretend they did not change me drastically. When something comes up that takes me back in time – a smell, a song, a taste – I cringe away from those encounters. Today I embraced my past. I was 20 years old and invincible again. I put on my dark wash jeans, black tank top, black eye-liner and drove down the road with the windows down and the radio so loud I could feel the base line in my chest. I sang along to the songs and let my hand trail out the window catching the wind in my open palm. I went alone to the movies and had a great time. I recaptured a lost piece of myself and had so much fun and felt so free…free and not afraid. I don’t have many days like that – and this one was certainly special. I know every day is different and what gives me hope is thinking there are more days like today in my future… and knowing that I can take pieces of my past and bring them with me – I don’t have to abandon all of me back there. I don’t have to leave those parts of me behind. I feel invincible today… invincible and wild and something approaching healthy.

The Little Things


Little ThingsSome days I just don’t know how to keep from being distracted by all the little things… How do I focus on the big picture? How do I block out all the noise and all the things that try for my attention? How do I de-clutter my thoughts? Some days I feel hopeless… just hopeless. I walk around most days feeling pretty ok but days like today life feels like it is crumbling around me. I think sometimes I allow myself to be sucked into the little details so I don’t have to realize how broken and afraid I feel.