Tag Archive: anger


Father’s Day

Filed under: Healing — 2 Comments
December 24, 2011

Father’s Day came and went this year like every year before it – full of conflicting emotions and empty of truth.  What has ‘father’ meant to me?  Why should I celebrate a day for him?  I’m so confused.  ‘Father’ has been ‘tyrant’, ‘teacher’, diciplinarian’, ‘grouch’,’hateful’…’father’ has also been ‘fun’, ‘companion’, ‘playmate’ and ‘preacher’.    The trouble for me is there are too many faces, none of them consistant… few of them friendly.  One good day is supposed to erase months of yelling, insults, fear and humiliation.  One day spent laughing together is supposed to make me forget being ruled with an iron fist and a sarcastic sneer.  Daddy, I forgive you… I just can’t be the sacrificial lamb anymore… you may find me more lion than you remember me…

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Longing for Freedom

Filed under: Poetry — Leave a comment
December 22, 2011

Fear blossoms in my chest

a familiar rose – black instead of red.

Each petal a knife.

I cannot shake this chill

this fingernails on a chalkboard

vibration in my bones.

I feel the knife twist deeper and

cannot even bring myself

to gasp in pain. 

I am beyond surprise;

beyond shock.  I am simply

accustomed.

Your eyes smile as you lick my

blood from your blade

holding your knife in one hand

and your bible in another.

Scribe, pharisee, hypocrite!

Who has warned you to flee from the wrath to come?

 

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Conversation?

Filed under: Poetry — 3 Comments
November 12, 2011

I watch your Judas lips drip poison

and I smile in polite fascination

pretending to agree.

I nod in the right places,

I make eye contact, I hope

my disgust is well hidden.

I can’t seem to follow this thread

this back and forth

this friendly banter.

I am not sure how this is

supposed to work… this friendship

this conversation. 

I am lost in a sea of political correctness

and cannot convey the thoughts

simmering beneath my surface.

I allow you to lie in my face

and thank you for your

endless unabashed betrayals.

I don’t know why I protect

you from me.  I owe

you nothing.  Nothing!

Yet you take from me…

day after day you diminish me –

rendering me irrelevant.

I will not die here – buried

under the avalanche of

your words…your indifference.

I will shake this off and

find re-birth in the flame

of your disapproval.

 

 

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Fear

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment
October 31, 2011

Fear is a funny thing…it creeps in and slowly takes over.    I am consumed by fear lately and I don’t know what to do.  My heart alternately races and pounds.  I just want some quiet…some calm…some peace.  I have had all I can take from my crazy job.  My bosses just keep piling it on and piling it on… it’s like they want to see what our breaking point is going to be.  If we get the work done by hook or by crook they just pile more on.  If we don’t get our work done we get in trouble.  If we ask for help or say we’re overwhelmed we are told we should practice better time management.  It really  is disappointing and frustrating and crazy-making.  I used to love my job, now I am consumed with anxiety every day when getting ready for work.  I just don’t know what to do.  I am afraid of losing my job and I am afraid if I stay I will go crazy. 

 

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So broken

Filed under: Healing — 2 Comments
September 10, 2011

I feel so broken and bleeding… I don’t know what to do anymore.  I feel like I can’t get anything right.  I feel like a mess…like everything I do wrong is magnified and the things I get right are inconsequential…I feel like everything that breaks or goes wrong around me is my fault and if I were only better they would be ok…  I feel like a freak, a failure.  Why would any-one want me?  I am a disaster.

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So tired

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment
August 20, 2011

…so tired of feeling like I can never tell the truth…

…so tired of holding back most of what I think and feel…

…so tired of protecting everyone from myself…

Please let me be free.

Please love me for who I am, not who you expect me to be.

 

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Just Beneath the Surface

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment
August 13, 2011

 

I can feel the truth just beneath the surface of all my conversations.  It waits there, lurks… longs to be released.  This truth is a powerful, angry thing… all muscle and sinew… all teeth and scales – like a great dragon – pacing and gnashing its teeth.  I could destroy you with my truth.  I feel the power of it and know that it would pierce your armor (even if you do not show it).  My truth lies in wait… languid and appearing lazy below these calm waters… beautiful and deadly… waiting to pull you to your death. 

I have had it caged so long I have forgotten how to let it out from time to time… I fear it will break free from its prison – that it will escape and destroy you before I can contain it.

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I’m not okay

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment
July 29, 2011

I’m not ok, I’m not ok, I’m not ok… all I can think is I am so broken and ruined and worthless..  Life isn’t supposed to be this way.  I am in so much pain.  I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, how to feel.  I think I am going crazy!  I can’t get my thoughts together.  Please help me…

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Strange…

Filed under: Healing — Leave a comment
July 6, 2011

Strange how when you hold me tight it doesn’t feel invasive and confining anymore.

Strange how quiet and peaceful I feel with you here with me.

Strange how I look toward the future with hope and not doubt or fear.

Strange how your love has changed me.

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Rant

Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments
July 1, 2011

I am tired of hiding my heart like it is something to be ashamed of.  I am tired of being discarded and disregarded like so much garbage.  I am tired of being ignored, of being stepped on, of being hurt over and over again.  Don’t judge me!  Stop telling me I am not enough!  Stop telling me I am not thin enough, not smart enough, not ambitious enough, not diligent enough… stop telling me I don’t work hard enough… stop telling me I don’t feel enough… I feel it all! Stop telling me I am not good enough, stop telling me that I will never be enough!  Just stop talking!  I don’t have to take this any more!  I am enough, I do enough, I feel enough, I am smart, I am beautiful, I am strong!  I can do this!

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