Tag Archive: anxiety



Thank you so much SwittersB for nominating me for One Lovely Blog Award.  You are so kind!

The Rules for the Award are as follows

1.  You must thank the person that nominated you

2.  You must list the rules and display the award

3. You must list 7 facts about yourself

4.  You must nominate 10 others

5.  You must display award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you

I cannot tell you how honored and humbled I have been by my readers… It is an amazing feeling to have such love and concern come my way from so many sources… Growing up in a home where kindness and compassion were so rarely displayed I still find myself surprised daily by the kindness shown to me by virtual strangers.

Seven facts about myself:

1.  Without my husband’s constant prayer, encouragement and love I would not have dared to write this blog at all – it was because of his insistence that I deserved a space all my own to express my heart and mind that I started on this journey.

2.  Photography as a form of art therapy has been one of the most important and effective methods by which my heart has begun to heal.

3.  I am a dirt-loving, weed-pulling daylily nursery owner and I spend several hours a week working in my flower beds and welcoming the endless distraction of new blooms, buzzing bees, butterflies and hummingbirds — not to mention the occasional wild baby rabbit who will eye me from under some foliage.

4.  I did not play with Legos until my late (very late :)) twenties… now I have 4 Lego sets – 3 of which are scenes from Harry Potter and I would much rather display them in my China Hutch than actual China… I love whimsy and playing games and my husband and I spend many an evening over a board game or playing poker with mini chocolate bars as the currency.

5.  I have the widest taste in music of anyone I know… right now my collection contains artists varying from Benedictine Monks (which I am listening to at this moment) to Weird Al, to Creed, System of a Down, Crash Test Dummies, John Anderson, John Denver, Journey, Bon Jovi, Goo Goo Dolls, Rainforest Tribal Chants, Jim Croche, Jewel, Delerious?, Johna33, Michael W Smith…the list goes on….  I think ‘eclectic’ is the operative word here.

6.  I am easily distracted… think Dug from the movie UP and his collar that allowed him to “Squirrel!!” talk to people…  This is me, although my husband would likely argue my attention span is even shorter…

7.  Maggots are my kryptonite… I can handle snakes, spiders, beetles, bugs, all manner of reptiles and amphibians – but if I am encountered by a maggot I cannot handle it…. it’s quite pathetic…but I will hug a snake any day of the week – I have even been bitten  by them and know, logically, that they are more dangerous if not treated with proper respect…but this tiny insect larvae will leave me near tears and frozen in terror….

I have been enjoying so many blogs lately…but the blogs I would especially like to nominate are as follows:

The Broken Light Collective

Book of Bokeh

Wild Goodness

Reveling in the Overflowing Grace of God

Simple Pleasures

Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse

Blooming Lotus

Living Shadows

A Victims Journal

Mum..How Much Longer?

My Levels of Not Okayness


I’ve been thinking a lot about Dante’s Divine Comedy…specifically his Inferno and I have decide I have 7 levels of my not-okay-ness…I know this is not grammatically correct 🙂 But it’s the best way I can explain it…  Here’s how it goes…  In this scenario I knock my contact solution off the sink edge due to my infinite clumsiness…

Level One: I have no reaction… I just pick it up and put it back.

Level Two: I take a deep breath, sigh, then put it back.

Level Three: I take  a deep breath, huff, blow, slam it back down.

Level Four: I growl at the contact solution, pick it up, slam it down, huff, mumble and clench my fists…then take a deep breath…

Level Five:  I growl, glare at the contact solution, leave it there, huff, sigh, take a moment to calm myself down and take a deep breath.

Level Six: I yell at the contact solution, I glare at it, I kick it across the room, yell at it some more and pick it up and slam it down.

Level Seven: I yell at the contact solution, sink, mirror and any inanimate object around, I pick up the contact solution and throw it against the mirror, I cry, I pick it up and throw it again.

Does anyone else have days like this filled with irrational emotional craziness?  I hate this rage…this overly emotional out of control feeling….I certainly don’t want to  go through life feeling like this… How do I get a handle on it?

I Hate Anxiety!


I know no one really like anxiety, but I hate the way I feel right now!  My heart is pounding, I am having trouble breathing I cannot think straight… I hate this!!!  I want to scream right now.  I hate this feeling of fear – terror really.  I hate feeling trapped inside my own skin.  I hate the swarm of bees buzzing in my chest, the tightness in my lungs, the crawling in my skin the jangling nerves.  I hate that I feel so helpless to this feeling.  I hate this!  I feel crazy and I feel desperate and I would almost do anything to make it go away….

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Self Portrait


Pain

After years of self-abuse (cutting, drinking, drugs etc) I finally found the strength to cry out for help – that is what has gotten me to where I am today… I could not have made it this far without help and I would not have received help until I got brave enough to ask for it… I nearly waited too late to ask someone to take the knife out of my hand.

 

Help Me

I am finally seeing the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel… and though I still have the occasional flash back, it no longer cripples me nor does it define me.  My past is a part of what made me the woman I am today but it is not all that I am.  I know it does not have to consume me.  I have battled my way through terror, pain, frantic desperation and humiliation but I am here.  I am alive… possibly for the first time in my life I am not just existing…. I am LIVING.

 

Monster-in-Law


My father-in-law is a monster.  No, he’s not a vampire, were-wolf, zombie, mummy kind of monster…but he’s much worse.  He pretends to be kind and loving to the “public” but as soon as we are alone with him he never fails to emotionally attack my husband.  He has flat-out told him that he did not care that he hurt his feelings.  In fact, he informed him that my husband’s feelings do not mater at all to him.  In the mean-time he tells his ‘friends’ that he is just so worried about his son and he does not understand why his son is so distant of late and accuses me of tearing his son away from his family.  He is truly a bully – and  a pathetic one at that.  He disgusts me.  I know there are two-faced people in the world, that does not surprise me.  What surprises me is the number of people he has been able to fool with his “poor little me” sob story.  He is a widower and he plays that up all the time for sympathy extolling his goodness in standing by her side through a prolonged illness when, in truth, he cheated on her for nearly 20 years of their 40+ year marriage.  I am so sick of hypocrites!  I am sick of people who pretend to be family and turn on you as soon as you have an opinion differing from theirs.  Color me DONE!

 

Crumbling Life


There is so much I don’t understand about this life.  It feels like it is crumbling around me.. every time I feel safe – like I might possibly have a chance at being ok, like I might actually be beginning to grasp things and see some glimmer of day-light… it hits.  Life socks me right in the gut and tells me again how worthless I am. How am I supposed to stop believing that I am worthless when the evidence is all around me.  I hurt the people I love.  I am desperate for forgiveness – for absolution.  I pray and I pray… I am doing the work – reading the books… I am trying to get in touch with my heart and find some true peace but I don’t know if I will make it.  I am terrified.  There is one person on this earth who truly knows me and loves me and he can barely stand to be with me because I am so hurtful to him… I am screwing this up!  I am failing all over again and I don’t know what to do.  I can barely function.  I wish I could just die sometimes so I could stop hurting people…stop hurting me.  I wish I had never been born.  I wish I didn’t exist.  I keep praying for God to remake me… maybe I could be better -I don’t know.  I just know that there’s something profoundly wrong with me and I am afraid I’ll  never be right again.

Hope


I am going to be ok… I have been working so hard and making so much progress.  I am excited about my future for the first time in as long as I can remember.   I feel so full of hope and promise.  I feel like I’m getting the hang of things.  I know what I want and I know what I need to do with my life.  It’s a nice feeling – I know I don’t have everything together – but I know I will be happy one day.   Strange, this feeling of hope.  I think I’ll just enjoy it for once.