I am so not okay… I am not going to be okay any time soon. I am broken and lost and hurt and angry… I am lost and confused… I am so very tired… Did I say “fine” when you asked how I was… ? Don’t worry… I just don’t know how to say how I am. I am… not okay. I am… so very… so profoundly broken.
Tag Archive: being afraind
Not okay
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October 13, 2017
Tags: abuse, anger, anxiety, art, beauty, being afraind, being real, child, child abuse, choices, damaged goods, depression, doubt, emotion, faith, family, fear, frustration, future, healing, honesty, hope, incest, longing, memories, metamorphosis, pain, photography, recovery, sexual abuse, survivor, therapy
Feelings
Filed under: Random — 2 Comments
October 8, 2017
I find it so hard to stay in my heart – to stay in my feelings… My default setting seems to be numb. I feel so awkward most of the time. I feel so much – but it is buried so deep I appear vacant. My heart hurts. I am so tired and so broken. I carry this horrible weight that threatens to suffocate me at times. I feel at war. At war with my pain, at war with my heart, at war with the terrible pull of numbness, addiction, alcohol…. at war with my faith and my anger… at war with my passion and my passivity. I can feel in one moment like a giant, like a force to be reckoned with and in the next moment I feel like I am not even real and I give in to my despair. I fear I will drown in it. I know I am all over the place and this may not even make any sense… but there you are. Pieces of me. Broken, fearful, lost, anguished, angry, confused, passionate, apathetic… My heart is a patchwork of pain and pleasure….but honestly, mostly pain. I ache. I feel heavy with the weight of my broken heart…
Tags: abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, choices, damaged goods, death, depression, doubt, dreams, emotion, faith, family, fear, frustration, future, god, healing, honest, honesty, hope, incest, longing, love, memories, metamorphosis, pain, photography, poetry, prayer, rape, recovery, sexual abuse, survivor, therapy, truth
Giving Up
Filed under: Healing — 4 Comments
September 6, 2016
I am giving up on you. Every time I think of you I feel this overwhelming rush of disappointment. I wonder (sometimes) why I ever bothered. It’s not like you felt my love anyway. I tried so hard to love you. I cooked special dinners (which you criticized) I came to visit (which you took for granted) I doted on you and tried so hard to please you… but I give up… You never wanted to know me. You never liked anything that had to do with me. I feel like every time my heart was brought out for you to see it was criticized, judged, not good enough, too emotional, too much of a bleeding heart, not loving enough, not affectionate enough… too depressed, too dark… too sad… too silly… I am tired of it all. I give up…
I am enough. I am enough for me. I am good enough, smart enough, kind enough, loving enough… I am enough. I can do this.
Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, betrayal, bitterness, blessings, broken, child, child molester, child-molestor, choices, cold, cult, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, father, feeling, flowers, free-verse poetry, fun, future, god, grandmother, grief, guilt, healing, home, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, intimacy, ledgends, lonely, longing, loss, love, marriage, memories, metamorphosis, monster, music, nature, pagan, pain, photography, poetry, prayer, preaching, rant, rape, recovery, relationships, sadness, self-mutilation, sex, sexual abuse, suicide, surviving abuse, therapy, truth
Open Letter
Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments
August 22, 2016
***WARNING: This may be triggering***
You know who you are. I knew you thought I wouldn’t remember… or maybe you thought I was too afraid to say anything… Maybe you are so supremely arrogant that you have yourself convinced that you did not do anything wrong… I do not pretend to know your motivations… I do not pretend to know what was on your sick mind. You know what I remember? I remember being held face down bent over a bed with my face pressed into the suffocating softness and thinking that this was how I would die. I remember the pain as you ripped into me – penetrating me harshly – feeling like a knife… I remember rough hands and a harsh voice. I remember longing for death that day and many, many days afterward. I vowed to never be vulnerable again… I vowed to never let you see me hurt… do you remember calling me a touch-me-not? Did you ever wonder why touch made me recoil? Why touch made me feel sick inside? I doubt it… everything was about you, wasn’t it? It was about your needs, your feelings, your ‘right’… I am tired of feeling like this. I am tired of feeling like I am not allowed to feel. Yes, I have a lot of pain – but I am strong enough to feel it. I am strong enough to survive you – I am strong enough to survive anything. I revoke my vow. I can be vulnerable. You will never touch me again, but I will love being touched again. I will not live locked in my solitude. I will feel again and I will make a new life. I will survive you yet…
Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, bitterness, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, choices, cutting, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, fear, frustration, future, god, healing, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, longing, love, memories, metamorphosis, pain, photography, poetry, prayer, rape, recovery, sexual abuse, survivor, therapy, truth
Haunted
November 9, 2015
Haunted by memories I grasp for you and quickly push you away.
I cannot stomach this closeness yet I desire your touch – crave it – NEED it…
Fear arises as the brush of your hand resurrects ghosts thought long exorcised…
My body trembles, haunted by the abuse that still lives in my skin and in my breast, beating like a second heart.
It is chaos here… shouts, whispers, whimpers, cries…
Locked in the asylum of my mind.
Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, betrayal, bitterness, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, child-molestor, choices, cold, cult, cutting, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, farm life, father, fear, feeling, flowers, free-verse poetry, freedom, frustration, fun, future, god, goddess, grandmother, grief, guilt, happiness, healing, help, home, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, incest survivor, intimacy, ledgends, life, lonely, longing, loss, love, marriage, memories, metamorphosis, monster, music, nature, overcoming abuse, pagan, pain, path to healing, photography, poetry, prayer, preaching, rant, rape, recovery, relationships, sadness, self-mutilation, sex, sexual, sexual abuse, stress, suicide, summer, survival, surviving, surviving abuse, surviving incest, surviving rape, survivor, therapy, toxic parents, truth
Feeling Uneasy
Filed under: Random — 4 Comments
November 4, 2015
I hate this feeling… this vague uneasy feeling that something is wrong. I got in a slight accident yesterday and clipped a garbage can knocking my passenger mirror through my passenger side window… there was a loud bang and an explosion of glass flew through the car. It was terrifying… it was dark and foggy and I did not see the garbage can hanging out into the road. Now I cannot shake this. I feel paranoid and worried and really uneasy. It’s ridiculous… All evening with my husband at home I have felt like he was mad at me or unhappy with me… and he’s not – we talked things out and he’s very warm and understanding – it’s just me. I feel like the bottom is about to fall out. I know this is just the accident and the dust will settle soon… but in the mean-time I really want to get back to normal. I hate feeling so raw and vulnerable.
Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, betrayal, bitterness, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, child-molestor, choices, cold, cult, cutting, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, farm life, father, fear, feeling, flowers, free-verse poetry, freedom, frustration, fun, future, god, goddess, grandmother, grief, guilt, happiness, healing, help, home, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, incest survivor, intimacy, ledgends, life, lonely, longing, loss, love, marriage, memories, metamorphosis, monster, music, nature, overcoming abuse, pagan, pain, photography, prayer, preaching, rant, recovery, relationships, sadness, self-mutilation, sex, sexual, sexual abuse, stress, suicide, summer, survival, surviving, surviving abuse, surviving incest, surviving rape, survivor, therapy, toxic parents, truth
A Day Near the Ocean
Filed under: Photography — Leave a comment
October 27, 2015
Unfiltered
October 21, 2015
So many memories have been flooding back to me lately. There is something about the Fall that brings me back to my childhood the experiences I had then. The smell of hay, the crackle of a bonfire, the taste of chili, the crunch of leaves underfoot and the sight of pumpkins appearing on door-steps and front porches. My senses are alive with things remembered. Things forgotten are knocking on the door of my sub-conscience. It is a strange feeling to have so much anger and fear co-mingled with such a sense of nostalgia and contentment. I remember the sound of my grandmother’s voice… the soft touch of her hand on my cheek… and the twinkling blue beauty of her eyes. I also remember the tense atmosphere of my home life and the dread that I grew up feeling. I remember the harsh unpredictability of my father and the anxiety that would flood me when I heard his truck pull in the yard. I would jump up and feel this flood of fear and adrenaline – knowing that there was no way of predicting what we were in for when he walked through the door… not knowing which dad we were going to get. It is strangely amazing to me how so much good and bad can be so intertwined in one life. I know that’s the way it is… that’s life… but it still seems to defy logic. My head is buzzing with memory flashes…
…blood flowing from my wrist after my first suicide attempt and the panic/relief that I had failed… the boisterous joy of family gatherings and playing with my cousins… the humiliating, painful, surprising “smack” of my father’s hand across my face… the anticipation of a hay-ride at dark with story-telling and song… the relief I would feel after cutting myself and watching the blood flow down my legs… the smell of fresh pumpkins and the mess we would create when we carved them… the constant feeling that no matter what I did I would never be more than a disappointment… the thrill of watching for shooting stars in the cool evenings on New Moon nights…
I feel like a merry-go-round a-la Tim Burton. I honestly don’t know what to feel… I just have to continue on this journey to solidify this into one life… and make peace with that life.
Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, betrayal, bitterness, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, child-molestor, choices, cold, cult, cutting, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, farm life, father, fear, feeling, flowers, free-verse poetry, freedom, frustration, fun, future, god, goddess, grandmother, grief, guilt, happiness, healing, help, home, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, incest survivor, intimacy, ledgends, life, lonely, longing, loss, love, marriage, memories, metamorphosis, monster, music, nature, overcoming abuse, pagan, pain, path to healing, photography, poetry, prayer, preaching, rant, rape, recovery, relationships, sadness, self-mutilation, sex, sexual, sexual abuse, stress, suicide, summer, survival, surviving, surviving abuse, surviving incest, surviving rape, survivor, therapy, toxic parents, truth
Banks Lake
Filed under: Photography — 2 Comments
October 18, 2015
My favorite local kayaking place is Banks Lake in Lakeland, GA. The view is breathtaking and the weather was absolutely perfect today – it was clear and cool and windy. I’m already ready to go again.
Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, betrayal, bitterness, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, child-molestor, choices, cold, cult, cutting, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, farm life, fear, feeling, flowers, free-verse poetry, freedom, frustration, fun, future, god, goddess, grandmother, grief, guilt, happiness, healing, help, home, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, incest survivor, intimacy, ledgends, life, lonely, longing, loss, love, marriage, memories, metamorphosis, monster, music, nature, overcoming abuse, pagan, pain, path to healing, photography, poetry, prayer, preaching, rant, rape, recovery, relationships, sadness, self-mutilation, sex, sexual, sexual abuse, stress, suicide, summer, survival, surviving, surviving abuse, surviving incest, survivor, therapy, toxic parents, truth
Birthday Wishes…
Filed under: Random — 2 Comments
October 7, 2015
My husband is amazing… he gives me a fantastic birthday celebration every year and I just love it! I think I’ve written about it before… we celebrate for the entire week… so every day for the week leading up to my actual birthday I get a gift or favor and it makes me feel so loved. I do the same for him when his birthday comes around in the summer… it’s a great tradition and I love it! I am always looking for new family traditions – new ways to celebrate life and new ways to celebrate each other. Do you have any traditions that you’d like to share?
captivatingbitter 