Tag Archive: child abuse


Drowning

Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments
April 21, 2012

Lately I feel like I am drowning in pain.  All I can think is, “I don’t know how to do this…”  It’s crippling, really…I feel frozen in this spot and I am afraid to reach for help.  No one can help me through this.  The pain of my past has finally caught up with me and is taking hold of my life… it’s ruining my marriage…it’s permeating my relationships….it’s taking over!  I see every relationship or potential relationship through the filter of my parent’s abuse.  I can’t go on living like this.  It is so terrifying and isolating and maddening.  I want to be free of it all.  I wish I could wash this off… I wish I could dust my ands off and be done with it.  I wish I could change my past and give myself a blank slate – a fresh start… I wish there was a pill for bad memories… I wish…I wish…

Image

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Comment

Therapy Letter #2 – To my parents

Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments
March 16, 2012

Dear Mom & Dad,

     I am so disappointed in you.  I will never understand the way you treated me.  Why didn’t I matter to you?  Why, when you found out I was molested, was your first thought about how you could protect your reputations and not about how you should/could have protected me?  How can you play nice with and spend time with family that treated their daughters like human sacrifices?  Why was it so hard for you to love me?  Mark loves me and he says I am easy to love – so why is it so hard for you?  Why couldn’t you see me?  Was I invisible?  Was I too much?  You always made me feel like I was too much – like loving me would just overload you somehow.  Why wasn’t I ever good enough for you?  Why did you turn on me?  How was it my fault that Eddie raped me and his daughters?  It wasn’t my fault, it was never my fault!  How dare you blame me!  It is so unfair.  you should never have had me – you didn’t want a daughter – you wanted another notch in your belt… another blessing to claim… some other piece of evidence to prove you were a man & woman of God.  You wanted a trophy not a child.  You treated me like a display and when I wasn’t ‘pretty’ when I didn’t display just right you didn’t want me anymore.  You would rather think I was possessed by the devil than to think I didn’t believe like you anymore.  You would rather count me among the lost souls than to consider you may be wrong in you beliefs and there may be more to life and to God than wrath and anger.  It isn’t my fault you  don’t know me (or God.)  It’s yours.  you had plenty of chances to know me and you didn’t bother.  I am worth it.  I don’t deserve your criticism our your disdain.  you don’t know me because you don’t think I am worth it…well, you’re missing out.  I am worth it…I am a good woman.  I am smart, beautiful and loving.  I love God with all my heart and I serve Him.  I love my husband and I am a wife to be proud of.   Being raped by Eddie was not my fault – it was yours and you are not worthy to be parents. 

It was not my fault.  It was not my fault. 

It was not my fault.  It was not my fault.

It will never be my fault.

Love,

No Longer Damaged Goods

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Comment

Setback in D Major

Filed under: Healing — Leave a comment
February 18, 2012

The Dream:

I am spending time with my uncle, Eddie, and his 3 daughters.  We’re at my parent’s house listening to some Southern Gospel music and debating on the merits of the old Southern Gospel music vs modern Christian Rock..  We’re all laughing, teasing and so happy.   We’re flipping through CD’s and my MP3 player playlist… It’s a good day and I feel so safe and loved. 

So what makes this a nightmare?

My uncle is a rapist and a child molester and in my dream I don’t know this… in my dream I haven’t remembered what he has done to me and I don’t yet know what he is doing to his beautiful daughters.

The part of me that is always me (no matter what I am dreaming) is terrified and screaming at the dream me to get out of there !  I hate that I can feel so safe and terrified, so innocent and soiled all at the same time.  Most of all I hate how much this dream has set me back.   I hate how vulnerable I suddenly feel.  I hate how I can barely accept touch.  I hate how I want to hide away and not face all of this.  I hate the temptation to morph back into that robot of a woman and pretend that everything is fine even though I can barely breathe.

So what’s the plan?  I am going to breathe in and out.  I am going to face my fears.  I am going to feel this and not be a coward or a zombie.  I am going to admit that I have been hurt – terribly – and it is ok to be afraid for a while.  I am going to allow my husband to comfort me and allow myself some room to be vulnerable.  But most importantly, I am going to go through this.  No short-cuts or detours.  Because that is the only way I am ever really going to find peace. 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Comment

Thoughts on doing battle

Filed under: Healing — 6 Comments
January 9, 2012

    

   I feel like I am in the fight of my life.  I am up against so much.  Not only am I still coming to terms with my past abuse, I am trying to break my present cycle of self-abuse.  I was feeling all proud of myself thinking I had come so far… and to be fair I have made a lot of progress – but I have a daunting amount of work ahead of me.  I am nearly crippled by this.  I don’t know how to be real.  I am really good at faking it.  I look great on paper – happily married, good career, room for growth and promotion in my field, 2 college degrees, a savings account, pets, friends… We own our home  and cook meals way more than we eat out… we hike when we can on weekends and try to play tennis once a month… The reality is  we don’t have it together.  I don’t have it together.  I don’t even know where “it” is to get it together.  I have no idea where to start.  I’m reading books, doing my devotions, listening to Christian music, going to therapy and yet “it” eludes me. 

    I don’t want to go through the motions, I want to live.  I am fighting to live – to breathe – to have a thought or opinion I don’t feel I have to apologize for.  I am sick to death of being sorry all the time!  What am I sorry for, existing? breathing? being?  I have no idea… I just feel perpetually apologetic and frankly pathetic!  This is not me… every fiber of my being screams and rails against this shell of a person I have become.  I have to defeat her.  She may have served a purpose at one time but those days are long gone and now instead of helping me she is slowly undermining me – turning me into a mindless, whimpering drone.  I am not this woman.  I am passionate and alive.  I am angry and strong and am not going to put up with this any more!  I am fierce and loving and loyal and I get what I want because I fight for it.  I am not this mousey, lay down and die disguise I have been wearing…  I am not this afraid to look you in the eyes broken down woman who I have been pretending to be lately. 

    I am putting on my armor – I am sharpening my weapons – I am stoking this furnace and I will burn off this shell in a wash of heat and light and hope.  I will find myself again and I will not be burdened by all of this fear any longer.  I deserve better.  I am worth fighting for and if any one is going to fight for me I had better start the battle.  I am loved, I am fiercely guarded, I am cherished, I am Captivating.  I will defeat these shackles and melt away these chains and I will rise up.  I am an amazing woman.  I am strong.  You haven’t seen anything yet.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Comment

Father’s Day

Filed under: Healing — 2 Comments
December 24, 2011

Father’s Day came and went this year like every year before it – full of conflicting emotions and empty of truth.  What has ‘father’ meant to me?  Why should I celebrate a day for him?  I’m so confused.  ‘Father’ has been ‘tyrant’, ‘teacher’, diciplinarian’, ‘grouch’,’hateful’…’father’ has also been ‘fun’, ‘companion’, ‘playmate’ and ‘preacher’.    The trouble for me is there are too many faces, none of them consistant… few of them friendly.  One good day is supposed to erase months of yelling, insults, fear and humiliation.  One day spent laughing together is supposed to make me forget being ruled with an iron fist and a sarcastic sneer.  Daddy, I forgive you… I just can’t be the sacrificial lamb anymore… you may find me more lion than you remember me…

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Comment

Conversation?

Filed under: Poetry — 3 Comments
November 12, 2011

I watch your Judas lips drip poison

and I smile in polite fascination

pretending to agree.

I nod in the right places,

I make eye contact, I hope

my disgust is well hidden.

I can’t seem to follow this thread

this back and forth

this friendly banter.

I am not sure how this is

supposed to work… this friendship

this conversation. 

I am lost in a sea of political correctness

and cannot convey the thoughts

simmering beneath my surface.

I allow you to lie in my face

and thank you for your

endless unabashed betrayals.

I don’t know why I protect

you from me.  I owe

you nothing.  Nothing!

Yet you take from me…

day after day you diminish me –

rendering me irrelevant.

I will not die here – buried

under the avalanche of

your words…your indifference.

I will shake this off and

find re-birth in the flame

of your disapproval.

 

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Comment

Toxic Parents

Filed under: Healing — Leave a comment
October 8, 2011

I am reading this book by Susan Forward called Toxic Parents (Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life).  I am really enjoying it so far.  I can see a little of my family in each chapter.  I grew up alternately feeling invisible and feeling conspicuous. There was a part of me that longed to be seen, to be known and accepted… yet – there was another part of me that waned to hide, that wanted to blend into the background as to avoid pain.  It was a mass of confusion.   Having on the one hand parents who gave us gifts and spent time with us and took us on vacations… and on the other hand those same parents systematically broke us into pieces.  My father would call me beautiful, then accuse me of being vain in virtually the same breath.  My mother just stood by and did what-ever he wanted.  My father would get angry with us and whip us and my mother would have us go apologize to the man.   I never did understand what my crime was.  All these years later I still feel pulled apart by it all.  Will I ever be whole?

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Comment

One Single Tear (Part 2)

Filed under: Memories — 2 Comments
March 14, 2011

It is the oldest dance in existence. Hunter and prey. As I walk into your room I recognize the rhythm as the familiar tune blares into my brain.

I am not alarmed. I am not afraid of you. I have come to expect this from you. I love only for one purpose, to fuel your desire, to sate your appetite for dominance. I am meek. I am submissive.
You are a good man, as they all have been and I already have forgiven you for the pain you are about to inflict on me. It’s ok. It’s fine. I know you’ll be gentle if I don’t struggle so I sit here in my self-loathing and let you torment me.
People say we reap what we sow. What seeds have I sewn to reap this harvest of pain and fear? I listen to your words and hear their meaning. I do not despise you, I cannot. you are a good man.
Is it my fault because I am beautiful? Do I pursue beauty because on some subliminal level I desire this maltreatment? Do I feel that I deserve this?
You are a good man. I do not blame you for your torment. You are a good man so it must be me who is wrong.  I am the bad one.  I am wrong.  You are a good man.  People look up to you and respect you.  you give guidance to them.  They depend on you to direct them.  You are a good man.  My punishment must be just.  This is what I am here for here.

Am I wrong because I love you?  Am I bad because in spite of your treatment I admire and obey you.  Obedience is better than sacrifice.  What have I sacrificed in the name of obedience?  Where is the line drawn between obedience to a good man and sacrifice of one’s self?

How important is innocence?  It encompasses our lives and leads us to misery.  The pursuit of wisdom is good… then why does wisdom destroy innocence?

You are a good man…

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Comment