I find it so hard to stay in my heart – to stay in my feelings… My default setting seems to be numb. I feel so awkward most of the time. I feel so much – but it is buried so deep I appear vacant. My heart hurts. I am so tired and so broken. I carry this horrible weight that threatens to suffocate me at times. I feel at war. At war with my pain, at war with my heart, at war with the terrible pull of numbness, addiction, alcohol…. at war with my faith and my anger… at war with my passion and my passivity. I can feel in one moment like a giant, like a force to be reckoned with and in the next moment I feel like I am not even real and I give in to my despair. I fear I will drown in it. I know I am all over the place and this may not even make any sense… but there you are. Pieces of me. Broken, fearful, lost, anguished, angry, confused, passionate, apathetic… My heart is a patchwork of pain and pleasure….but honestly, mostly pain. I ache. I feel heavy with the weight of my broken heart…
Tag Archive: child molester
I’ve got that feeling again… the buzzing of angry bees in my chest. I wonder sometimes how long this struggle with anxiety will last? Will I carry this with me always? Will I ever get to the place where I can feel safe and at home in my own skin? What battle am I fighting today that I feel this way? When do I get to rest? I feel like I have been fighting one battle or another since the day I was born. I guess we all are in some form or fashion. I long for peace. I long for comfort… I long to feel. I have been numb for far too long. I guess I am finally learning where the bees come from… those angry bees that swarm in my chest and make it hard to breathe. I think they are all the emotions I have refused to let myself feel. Now to loose the bees and regain some measure of peace I am choosing to feel all the painful things that I would not (or could not) feel. I am crying and raging and curling up in a ball and allowing myself to feel small and vulnerable… I am fighting for me. I will win.
Haunted by memories I grasp for you and quickly push you away.
I cannot stomach this closeness yet I desire your touch – crave it – NEED it…
Fear arises as the brush of your hand resurrects ghosts thought long exorcised…
My body trembles, haunted by the abuse that still lives in my skin and in my breast, beating like a second heart.
It is chaos here… shouts, whispers, whimpers, cries…
Locked in the asylum of my mind.
My favorite local kayaking place is Banks Lake in Lakeland, GA. The view is breathtaking and the weather was absolutely perfect today – it was clear and cool and windy. I’m already ready to go again.
Are you part of the club? No, not a popular and fun club… the club of the Rape Survivors… We’re not an official club…but we often recognize each other by our habits, mannerisms and particular needs. Does this sound familiar?
- You don’t close your eyes when you shower – even when you wash your hair.
- You prefer to sit in a restaurant with your back to a wall or corner from which you can see people enter and exit around you.
- You check the house when you are alone at night, searching room by room before you can rest.
- You either leave the shower curtain open or use a clear shower curtain when you shower.
- You do not like people standing behind you and do not like to be touched by all but a very few people.
- You have nightmares about the event – wake up with dried tears on your cheeks, your heart pounding and a pain in your chest that you can scarcely breathe around.
- You have flash-backs that make the event feel like it is constantly current.
There is so much more… so many every day unconscious decisions. It feels so unfair that this one event changes your life so drastically. Some days I feel so angry – I feel cheated. I wonder what path my life would have taken…but then I just breathe… I try to pray… I find peace whenever I can, wherever I can. I find peace in worship, long walks in the woods, kayaking on Banks Lake, reading good books… Where do you find peace?
I was watching an episode of Criminal Minds…. heard this quote and had to share…
“Scars only show us where we’ve been – they do not dictate where we’re going”
captivatingbitter 