I spent most of my life running away from my anger, afraid of it. I thought if I just was careful, if I just suppressed all the seething anger threatening to overtake me I would ‘win’. I thought it would prove that I made it out… prove that despite their best efforts they did not win… I was wrong! My anger only turned inward… poisoning me. It turned into cutting, addiction, apathy, defeat, depression. I am through. I am not doing this anymore. You know what you deserve? You- pretender- the one who tortured me, who abused me, who raped me, who molested me, who slapped me, who beat me… you know what you deserve…??>> You deserve this anger – you deserve this pain – you deserve to feel crazy and out of control! You deserve to be beaten, stoned, tortured. You deserve to be exposed and laid bare for all the world to see. You deserve to be reviled. You deserve to be seen as the disgusting, weak, pervert that you are! And don’t think that you are getting away with anything help-meet… Don’t think I don’t see you in the dark cowering…hiding in his shadow! You are just the same! You are just as bad! Do you think that not helping – that just watching and being the silent partner absolves you of guilt?!? Do you think your hands are any less dirty?! I am here to tell you, you are just as vile! You are just as poisonous! You are GUILTY!! I am DONE feeling crazy because of your choices! I am done twisting myself in knots trying to make sense of your lies! I am not crazy! It was not my fault ~ It is never a child’s fault for being abused and not having anyone to stand up for them! I am done taking the blame for the damage you caused! I am not playing this game anymore! You are nothing and you don’t get a say-so any more!
Tag Archive: child-molestor
Haunted by memories I grasp for you and quickly push you away.
I cannot stomach this closeness yet I desire your touch – crave it – NEED it…
Fear arises as the brush of your hand resurrects ghosts thought long exorcised…
My body trembles, haunted by the abuse that still lives in my skin and in my breast, beating like a second heart.
It is chaos here… shouts, whispers, whimpers, cries…
Locked in the asylum of my mind.
My favorite local kayaking place is Banks Lake in Lakeland, GA. The view is breathtaking and the weather was absolutely perfect today – it was clear and cool and windy. I’m already ready to go again.
Are you part of the club? No, not a popular and fun club… the club of the Rape Survivors… We’re not an official club…but we often recognize each other by our habits, mannerisms and particular needs. Does this sound familiar?
- You don’t close your eyes when you shower – even when you wash your hair.
- You prefer to sit in a restaurant with your back to a wall or corner from which you can see people enter and exit around you.
- You check the house when you are alone at night, searching room by room before you can rest.
- You either leave the shower curtain open or use a clear shower curtain when you shower.
- You do not like people standing behind you and do not like to be touched by all but a very few people.
- You have nightmares about the event – wake up with dried tears on your cheeks, your heart pounding and a pain in your chest that you can scarcely breathe around.
- You have flash-backs that make the event feel like it is constantly current.
There is so much more… so many every day unconscious decisions. It feels so unfair that this one event changes your life so drastically. Some days I feel so angry – I feel cheated. I wonder what path my life would have taken…but then I just breathe… I try to pray… I find peace whenever I can, wherever I can. I find peace in worship, long walks in the woods, kayaking on Banks Lake, reading good books… Where do you find peace?
I hate days like this… I feel twitchy after spending the last 2 days pulling weeds in my gardens and having bugs crawl all over me… I still feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I know I should be used to this by now and I know bugs are no big deal, really, but I still cannot help the way I react. I try so hard to play it cool and to stay calm. I have these huge spiders in my flower beds and when you startle them they run toward you – not away from you. It freaks me out. Not to mention the beetles, ants and roaches that live in the taller weeds and thick grasses that I have to deal with. I hate this feeling… everything that touches me makes me flinch. I’m so jumpy. I think I will just sit calmly the rest of the day and sip tea and watch Netflix.
Taken summer 2013 in my front yard on my Passion Flower Vine
captivatingbitter 